Myself 38(M) with my wife 35(F) have a son of 6 years. He goes to first standard in school. I am dependent on medications for depression and anxiety. I also have a decent job at a fast growing startup, they pay is above average and I have ESOPS vesting, I work from home so most of my time is spent at home and with family. Start of this summer my doctor suggested to find an activity outside of work, I decided to start piano lessons, my son also showed interest so I booked both of us for piano classes. After his school resumed I have had the responsibility to get him ready for school, drop him off and pick him up from school. Every other day take him to piano lessons with me and back. Wife leaves for work very early so she can’t help with my kid’s morning routine. Now two weeks back she decided to put my kid in private tuition, timing of which clashed with our piano lessons. So I had to schedule piano lessons two hours early, (btw I do not think that a 6 years old should attend school and private tutor classes, but to avoid passive aggression from my wife I went with it.) Now that the piano lessons are two hours before the original time, I pick up my son from school, he comes home has a snack and immediately we leave for piano lessons (less than 30 mins between coming home from school and piano). Then we come home and after an hour he has private tuition classes. And I end up balancing my work with driving him 6 times a day in different parts of the city. Last saturday I crashed in bed, I was so burned out and exhausted mentally and physically that I just rested and slept whenever I could. Sunday I told my wife that we will drop out of piano classes and rejoin when we have more favorable circumstances, the activity was meant to boost my mental health not stress me more. She snapped at me saying I should atleast attend the remainder of the classes that I have paid for (which is by my own money btw, I provide for all of us, and even though she earns I never ask her to contribute anything monetarily). I got very upset and I told her that I feel she doesn’t show any compassion towards me or my kid. She just keeps pushing both of us until we break down and burn out, and I disagree with her decision to force a 6yo to spend more than 9 hours a day studying while there should be balance in his life between study and other activities. I got very angry and even yelled at her. Idk if that was right or not on my part. I feel like apologizing but I’m worried that that may boost her ego further as she never apologizes or accept anything wrong on her part, while I always do and that keeps boosting her more.
Wife forcing 6yo kid to study >9 hours a day and I lost my cool on her
r/AITAH
Comments
If she feels so strongly about it, she should be happy to do the driving to lessons.
NTA, but also, you have a responsibility to set boundaries and communicate effectively with your partner before you’re pushed to the breaking point.
NTA. Dont get me wrong its great to want to give your child the chance to experience these things. Extra tutoring is always helpful and piano classes are brilliant but you are totally right. Both you and the child will burn out. Physically and mentally. If its draining you, imagine the impact on a little 6 year old. Stand up for yourself and your child. I get wanting your child to achieve…but this needs to be balanced. Even 2 extra hours of tuition a week in a weekend is more than enough for this age group.
First of all, why are you going to piano lessons every other day? Once a week is all you need at this level. Cut back to once a week.
Secondly, that poor lamb. He is under far too much pressure. Let him be a kid for a while.
Thirdly…I think you and your wife need couples’ counselling.
I suspect NAH but you need to work out a way of life which doesn’t stress everyone out, and where everyone is pulling their weight (eg wife contributing financially).
NTA. I was a kid who got 9+ of studying non-stop, it does burnt you out, maybe not right away, but once you reach certain age? Sucks. Also your kid is probably gonna grow up with the mentality that grades are the only thing that matters if your wife doesnt let him have recreational hobbies. It is SO IMPORTANT that your kid has recreational hobbies.
Your wife has no consideration for the time, well being and mental health of both you and your kid. If anything she should be the one apologizing for not being more empathetic towards both of you. Please, stand up for your kid, it is seriously important that you two have those piano lessons as something to share
It is important to maintain ones boundaries.
It is critical that it is done in a particular way.
Find a suitable time to address concerns when everyone is calm and collected.
Tell the person how you feel, but don’t get angry and don’t make accusations.
If something is violating a boundary , you need to calmy “draw a line in the sand” and stick to it. If you get angry, you give your power away, and the focus goes off the issue to your behavior.
If you haven’t been maintaining your boundaries, it make take other people some time to get used to the “new you”.
PS I agree, kids should be allowed to be kids.
Good luck
Your kid trumps everyone and everything. When they come home from school, that’s their time. Don’t let her add more studying. She’s sacrificing his mental for academics. Unless its something like the piano where the kid actually wants to do it, he shouldn’t be taking tutoring unless he needs it because he’s falling behind in school.
Put your foot down on this, man. Don’t matter if wife is mad. Kid first, always. Nta
Drop the piano lessons and get some assertiveness training.
NTA, 6 is far too young for private tuition. If money is good, could you consider buying a piano and having a tutor come to you? Once a week is enough. You are doing too much and your kid needs time to rest and play too.
my wife is head of academics at a highschool with over 20 decades of teaching experience. I’m semi-retired after a few exits and burnout, doing an MBA, our kid is also 6.
i do homework with him every night no more than 30minutes. Taekwondo on Fridays.
you absolutely do NOT need 9 hours of additional tutoring at that age, nor do you need regular 2 hour long daily piano lessons at that age. – this is backed my my wifes experiences and documented peer-review research in education field.
additional context – my wife is Caucasian british, i’m Chinese from a chinese family where i did like your kid 2-3 hours a day additional tution plus weekends, plus (Fucking) Kumons, and swimming classes, getting caned for not doing well at school… so that was a lot of caning.
Cut out the extra tutoring, cut the piano down to once a week for both of you and stand up to your wife. She will destroy both yours and your son’s mental and physical health. You say she will be passive aggressive if you say anything but things will only get worse for you and your son if you don’t speak up now. Some counselling might help, if you can get her to go. I also don’t understand why you pay for everything while she works but doesn’t contribute to anything. Honestly she sounds kinda abusive.
NTA. People ask if I’m putting my kid in daycare or classes, and I say no. They think I’m weird, but do they not realize kids are in school forever? Preschool, grade school, high school, college, maybe more. Add extracurriculars on top of that, and it never stops. They’re only little once. People act like kids need to be in school and structured activities 24/7. Why? They’ll have years of that. They need time to just exist. Forcing a 6-year-old to study all day isn’t ambitious, it’s damaging.
And when exactly does this kid just.. play? Get bored? Get dirty? Chill out? ..Be a kid?
What is going on here?! Piano is once a week, not every other day. How would one even have time to practice between lessons? Private tutoring multiple days a week at age 6 is just crazy, what is the tutor even teaching? Surely two capable parents can meet any 6 year old’s need for learning outside of school.
I’m not sure if your kiddo is struggling and needs extra help or is highly gifted and needs extra challenges, if so, maybe this could make sense. But I get the sense your wife is trying to turn her clever and motivated kid into a child genius who burns out at age 8. You need to have a serious conversation about this ASAP.
NTA. I was your kid. I was plagued with both suicidal and homicidal idealizations until I realized I shouldn’t destroy my life when all I’ve done is slave away studying. I planned my great escape and counted the days until I turned 18. Moved far away and never looked back. I’m in my thirties now and very very low contact with my parents (maybe a brief phone call every 4 months or so). Oh, and I haven’t touched the piano since I left either. It very quickly becomes something you hate when it’s just another chore you’re forced to do instead of having any time to yourself. Stand up to your wife and save your son.
Don’t apologize, you have nothing to apologize for. You need to prioritize and take care of your mental health and your son’s, because clearly your wife has zero intention of doing so. She seems perfectly fine having you and the child run yourselves ragged. Don’t be a pussy just to “keep the peace”, stick up for your kid when necessary. If you feel she is putting too much on his plate at SIX YEARS OLD then say so.
Playing a musical instrument is one of the best ways to nurture a child’s ability to learn. It helps to create neural pathways which are beneficial in reading, mathematics, language, etc. Too much of anything can be hard for a six-year-old. Try to find a balance for the entire family.
When parents try to live through their child🙄
This makes me so sad for your son. Are you in Asia somewhere? Those crazy study hours would be very very rare where I live. In New Zealand we believe children should have free play for multiple hours per day – get bored, get creative, run around outside. Many parents here refuse for their kids to do any kind of homework ever – which might be taking it too far the other way but tuition at 6 seems like it’s stealing his precious childhood. If he wants to study like a demon when he’s a teenager or university student so be it but childhood is precious and irreplaceable. If he WANTS to play piano or a sport once or twice a week that’s enriching but he does not need extra study time. I am amazed your son is so cooperative to be honest, there is no possible way my kids could handle that schedule without having total emotional breakdowns.
NTA / F42 here. Have your wife work more, change her job, to be more satisfied with herself. She seems to be pushing both of you for achieving what she cannot. I am so sorry for your child.
You need to grow a spine for the sake of your kid and stop catering to your wife’s obsession and avoiding her “passive aggression”. This feels abusive to me – to make a kid spend basically their entire day studying. What exactly is she hoping to achieve? Because it won’t be a well rounded, healthy child. She’s not going to push you to a break down. She’s going to push you to a divorce and to a kid that hates her.
If your wife works, why isn’t she contributing to the household expenses? What does she do with “her” money? If you are married and partners, why aren’t you pooling resources and working towards achieving a successful life together as a family? If her earnings do not go towards the household and all of yours do, and you provide all of the care for your son and you are exhausted and stressed…how is she contributing?
Perhaps your son would be best served if your wife worked only half time and spent time with your son daily, incorporating tutoring him herself with daily life lessons. Spacial awareness by building things. Chemistry by baking bread. Math by having him add all the costs of the shopping.
I think you could benefit from marriage counseling.
Genuinely, how does the child focus for >9 hours a day that too studying? I am Asian so I’m guilty of trying to ensure that my child isn’t struggling with things they are supposed to know. But there is a mixture of non academic classes which my kid attends to balance things out. Maybe you should speak to your wife and find out the reason behind her needing the child to have such rigouress academic schedule for a 6 year old.
If you and your child are both attending piano lessons it might be great to have a teacher come over. It will reduce the stress you face in traveling back and forth.
But please, being a parent of a 6 year old myself there is really no need to traumatize them with so much of academic tuition. An hour a week or so is acceptable if you both feel the child could benefit from additional coaching which you both are unable to assist with. You really need to speak with your wife and both of you might need to scale alot of things down. Comparison is the thief of joy, I hope your wife isn’t putting such pressure on your child coz she is comparing against the kind of things other kids of his/her age group are able to do.
Why are you dropping the Piano lessons??
You make it sound like your child doesn’t need the Private tutoring so drop that for your son and for your mental health
NTA, you shouldnt have yelled and you can and should apologise for that. But just explain that this came from a place of exhaustion and frustration and that your point still stands and you feel is valid. So you want to apologize for yelling, so you can then have a normal conversation about the rest.
If she then weaponizes the yelling as the main topic of conversation that will tell you a lot.
So only when you broke down did you finally push back? You’ve been an asshole to yourself AND your child for allowing this to happen. If you fear your wife so much that you wouldn’t say no to something that’s bad for both of you, that should be a giant red clue.
Protect your damn child.
NTA you mention you try to avoid passive aggression from your wife. She sounds exhausting to be around