Wife is trying to get pregnant without my consent – thinking about urgent vasectomy and I need advice? -I 35M, wife, 42F, have been married for roughly 15 years.

Throwaway for obvious reason, false name and various difference. sorry for grammar, English is not mother tongue

Sorry for long post but I need help and I’m not sure how much context is needed.

I 35M, wife, 42F, have been married for roughly 15 years.

3 kids, Alexandra, 12F, Ben, 11M and Carla, 8F

How do I start. My wife wanted kids early in marriage for health reason, the sooner the most healthy, I agreed because kids was totally on my list. After the the first one was born, she insisted on getting the second right after. I was kinda scared to still have a new born and making a second baby but my wife was insistent. Anyway 15 month later we had Ben. then about 1 year later she asked for a third. then I put my foot down and said no, our finance wasn´t ready for it and both our careers were really in the dirt, it was in the latter part of the 2008 recession and job market was a mess.

After 6 month of back and forth, she finally agreed that, indeed, our finance weren´t good for 4 people, much less ready for a fifth. About 6 month latter, she got sick with a stomach flu and missed her birth control pill, so Carla came about. By then my career took of and never stopped growing since.

Things stabilized before covid and we had some good time. She never worked after the first pregnancy.

This time last year she had a miss carriage. Her doctor swapped her birth control due to age and hormones and she got pregnant. It was a difficult time and we shed a lot of tears, me right after and her thorough until yearly this year.

Anyway, we had our biggest fight yearly this year because of finance and spending, and, after a long period of nearly a month of nearly not talking and sorting our emotion separately, we patched things after stopping her’s shopping spree and actually apologizing. For the past 6 month I had the best relationship ever with my wife.

After the miscarriage we talked about permanent birth control. I proposed both for myself and for her, but this shut that down with no concrete explanation. I asked her if she got pregnant again what she would she do and got no straight answer.

Onto the issue. She’s inviting me everyday lately, and in 15 and some more of girlfriend before, we never made sex more than 2/3 day in a row. More, before our fight early this year, she wold almost never tell me, verbally or not, for sex, it was almost always me seducing her into it.

I got suspicious and searched her birth control pill and sure enough, her tablet don’t match her menstruation cycle. She have a 21 days style table, (VS the 28 day’s she had before she switched and had the miscarriage) and her last tablet is still there, empty, and the new one didn’t begun yet. There is the possibility that she took that tablet to a another location and I can be way off mark, blowing everything off for no reason.

I’m not absolutely certain also that it’s impossible she’s not just in between tablet. I have a strong memory of her menstruation about a week and half ago, so she should be about 5 to 13 day in, not in between, if that make sense. Sunday she should begging another tablet if I’m wrong, so i’m getting answer soon anyway.

To the post question, I already, and strongly considered doing a vasectomy before all this, exactly for fear of her forgetting, or “forgetting”, and she vehemently disagree. Condom is not an option without a full on confrontation, so secret vasectomy look like a the only option where I get to respect my choice and don’t rock the boat.

Addressing the elephant in the room: what about direct confrontation, just asked her with with birth control medication on hand -> If i’m wrong and ask her, I’m possibly destroying my relationship and my life for nothing, If I’m right, I’m doing a (basically) risk free operation that get me where I want without blowing everything.

Apart from the obvious if I should do it or not, how can I do it without her noticing it. The way things are going, if she’s not already pregnant form the sex earlier this week, how can I say to my wife with who I almost never refused sex, I’m not doing it for a week. Already tried saying that I was sore and she love bombed me until I gave in. I’m at a loss.

TL;DR Wife know I choose no more kids but may be trying for a baby without my knowledge