I never thought I’d write something like this, but here it is. I’ve been married for years, and I genuinely love my wife. She was my first ever girlfriend — my first kiss, my first everything. But she had a brief romantic history with a guy before me, who’s also a family friend and, honestly, that’s been a sore point in my heart for a long time.
She once kissed him during a short dating phase before I proposed to her. He wasn’t serious about her, had a girlfriend at the time, and yet he let her kiss him. When I kissed her for the first time as a boyfriend, I later found out that I wasn’t her first. That stayed with me in ways I still can’t shake off, even after all these years.
Fast forward to today, I recently saw she’s still in touch with this guy. He’s now a dad, but they chat like old friends, and she opens up to him about things — like how she’s feeling drained due to lack of sleep with our toddlers — in a tone she doesn’t always use with me. And it hurts. I feel second to a guy who was just a moment in her past. She says they’re just friends. But I can’t help but feel betrayed all over again.
To make things more complicated… part of me, sexually, sometimes fantasizes about her being desired by someone else — even kissing him. I know how it sounds. It’s not something I want in real life. But the contrast between that fantasy and the real pain of her emotional connection to him is messing me up.
I don’t want to be controlling. I just want emotional honesty and exclusivity in my marriage. I don’t want to feel like a placeholder in her life while she escapes emotionally into someone else — especially someone who once didn’t choose her but still lingers.
I’m not sure what I’m asking here. Maybe just to get it off my chest. Or maybe to hear from someone who has walked this same emotional tightrope — loving your partner, hurting quietly, and feeling torn between trust, pain, and desire.
Comments
Emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship, especially someone tied to a sensitive past can cut deep, even if there’s no intent to cross boundaries. The fact that you’re not trying to control her but just want clarity and emotional honesty says a lot. It might help to have an open, vulnerable conversation with her, not just about the past, but about how you’re feeling now, and what emotional boundaries matter to you.
Man, I really feel for you. You’re not crazy or overreacting emotional connection outside the marriage, especially with someone from the past, can hit way deeper than most people realize. It’s not just about trust, it’s about feeling like your spot in her heart is being shared, even if unintentionally.
You’re allowed to feel hurt, and you’re allowed to want a stronger emotional bond with your wife without feeling like you’re competing with anyone. Maybe it’s worth sitting down with her and having an honest talk, not accusing, but just sharing how this is making you feel. Real intimacy needs that honesty.
You’re doing the right thing by thinking this through instead of acting out of anger. You deserve peace in your marriage too.
Damn, she should know by now not to disrespect you. Ex is an ex for a reason. You should speak up and let her know how you feel. If she cares about you, she will cut him out