I don’t even know where to start. I am so in love with my wife, but I don’t feel like she shares the same feelings. She says she does, but her actions speak louder and its crushing my heart because now she is bringing up divorce more and more. She always assumes the worst about me, always accuses me of doing things I’m not doing, goes through my phone behind my back when I’m sleeping or in the shower, and she constantly calls or texts me while I’m working to tell me about all of our relationship problems and how unhappy she is. But when we talk things out and makeup, she says, “never give up on me! I never want to leave you and I say mean things when I’m angry, but please never leave me.”
I don’t want to leave her and I never did, but I just don’t know how to make her happy. It seems to me that she would be happier without me, but I don’t want to give up on the relationship. I can’t believe that she would throw the towel in so quickly over such small arguments and I feel like I’m the only one fighting to make this work.
Ladies, do you go through your husband’s phone every chance you get? She says its normal and all girls do it, but I have never been in a relationship where that happened. Yes, I understand its common to do it while you’re dating, but does it continue forever?? I have no problem with her going through my phone and I have nothing to hide, but it hurts me when she does it behind my back and makes me feel like she will NEVER trust me.
Do you contact your husband via pages and pages of texts or calls multiple times a day? Do you allow him to work in peace and support the family the way he can? Do you complain to him while hes working about every problem or do you wait until he gets home from work?
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she says, “never give up on me! I never want to leave you and I say mean things when I’m angry, but please never leave me.”
Then that’s something she should be actively trying to address. It sounds like she has a number of different things that she needs to work on. If she’s serious about staying in the relationship, she should get started.
No, this isn’t normal.
It’s also not going to stop. Not without a lot of therapy and self-effort on her part.
Change is a lot of work, and this is somebody who would rather excuse their behavior than work on it.
She servery lacks self-awareness.
NTA
The behavior is definitely not normal. Going through your phone all the time and not trusting is serious trust issues or other mental stuff going on.
She needs therapy asap and so do you cause you put up with a lot of
She doesnt trust or respect you.
Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? It sounds like you have invested a lot into your relationship and you love what it used to be, but it’s changed and you’re hoping if you keep investing it’ll change back. Have you brought up marriage counseling?
Your girl is manipulating you and abusing you. She doesnt trust you. It is not normal to go through your SO’s phone. You are not responsible for her happiness so quit beating yourself up because she is not. Her actions speak louder than words.
she’s either super insecure and very mentally unwell or she’s guilty of possible adultery and that is why she’s constantly going through your phone and treating you the way she does.
I know this because I have lived through it. Cheaters will often project their guilt of what they have done, leading to behavior as such.
I hope you can find the answers you need and I hope things get better for you. This kind of mental torture is something no one should have to go through from someone they love
Had an ex who behaved similarly, turned out to be hitting on the minors at the fast food place he managed.
This lack of responsibility for her behavior “I get mean when angry “ is but one of the red flags she waves. She has you on a road trip to misery.
Healthy boundaries mean you can respect and care for yourself and the other person equally. Clarity, consistency, and accountability to self are super important in relationships.
I suggest telling her to step up, or get out. Feelings are important, but so is having honesty and accountability to self and others. Without both you have an uneven relationship.
Her insecurity is hers to manage, therapy or self help or both can help her, but she needs to be engaged in change for her own sake or it doesn’t work.
First off, it’s impossible to make someone happy if they don’t want to be made happy: it doesn’t matter what you do, it will never be enough for your wife. Secondly, actions speak louder than words and what she’s screaming at you is that she doesn’t love you. It’s not normal to go through someone else’s phone, whether that is once a year or daily: if you do that it means you don’t trust the other person and if you don’t trust the other person, why are you married to them? Your wife does not want to make it work, but apparently she does not want to get a divorce either. Her strategy might be making your life so miserable that you start divorce proceedings so that she can pretend to be the victim. If she threatens divorce again, just tell her to go ahead and see what happens. If you don’t, there’s a real risk that she will wear you down and then leave you after all. Better to resolve this while you are still standing.
She’s probably cheating and is going crazy trying to tell you while keeping it a secret
This is not okay. This is abuse – signed a 60 yo married woman.
My husband , children and I would never go through each others phones
I have never once gone through my husband’s phone. No, it is not common even while dating. At least, it shouldn’t be common.
When he’s at work, short of some sort of serious emergency, I leave him the hell alone and let him focus on his job.
I do not threaten to leave him, ever. If there’s some problem, I ask him if we can sit down and talk about it like rational, caring adults.
If I know he’s dealing with a lot of stress at work, I’ll even wait until the weekend or until things calm down before bringing up whatever said problem might be. There’s usually not much to be gained by adding personal problems on top of stressful work times.
Your wife is emotionally & mentally abusive, my friend. She needs some serious help and therapy and/or you need to get the hell out of this marriage.
Edit – As for judgment, you are NTA but your wife sure is.
She brings up divorce because she knows you’ll immediately back off and do/give her what she wants.
Call her bluff. She threatens to leave, agree to it. Pack a bag for her and hand it to her, then hold the door open for her to leave.
You handed her this weapon to hurt you.. You’re the only one who can take it away from her.
Very abnormal. Marriage counseling asap. If she won’t go there is your answer.
It’s called projection, she is doing everything she’s accusing you of.
You are an idiot if you think you can fix this. Respectfully.
Have you tried marrying her and bringing 8 kids into the world?
Cmon what planet are we even living on nowadays. Just break up with the psycho.
I do not go through my husband’s phone. My husband also doesn’t give me a reason to not trust him. Has she been cheated on? Does she have past trauma she hasn’t worked through? Threatening divorce over little things is insane too. In all of these instances, I would recommend therapy to address whatever is going on in her head to address the underlying issues. And couples therapy if you are wanting to stick around
Is she doing this because she is guilty of what she says you are doing?
This is not normal. You might think you live her but i guarantee you put that person in your rear view you will be much happier. Been there. Moved on from my psycho 26 years so ago married my soulmate 22 years ago
NTA.. well not to anyone but yourself for putting up with this abusive and manipulative behaviours anyway.
It’s the emotional equivalent of the guy that punches his wife and then cries and promises it will never happen again.
Your wife sounds mentally unwell.
She has psychological issues she needs addressed. If you really love her and want to see it through, you can stick by her side while she gets the help she needs but it’s not going to be easy in the slightest. Regardless, she needs help. If she refuses, leave her. And no, I don’t constantly go through my partners phone. I’ve done it once before with a man who was insanely anal about his phone but was okay with opening mine, there was other context involved and he was in fact cheating but i wouldn’t use that as an excuse to continue to go through anybody else’s phone. Even then i felt weird doing it. You aren’t her child.
She could be projecting. Next time she asks to go thru your phone. Ask for hers.
You can’t make her happy because she won’t let herself be happy. She’d rather complain and gripe and keep you hopping trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong.
You deserve better, but unfortunately, you won’t find it with her.
NTA.
First, this is manipulation 101. It’s a similar approach to when people say “I’ll off myself if you ever leave me.” It’s designed to invoke panic and guilt you into only doing things their way. It’s also a complete and total lack of respect for who you are as a person.
Second, checking up on you, going through your phone, falsely accusing you of doing things you’re not – those are all classic signs of her doing something inappropriate and assuming you’re doing the same. Yes, that could also include cheating and is a pretty common outcome on the relationship subs when OP’s start mentioning behavior like that.
I’ve been married 30 years, together 36 years. My wife has never gone through my phone. I’ve never gone through hers. We simply don’t need to because we respect one another, we respect our relationship, and we communicate about issues in a respectful way. Do we argue? Sure, we have the occasional disagreement and every once in a while they may get heated (maybe once a year, if that), but we work it out.
I know you say you love her, but I also think you’re fooling yourself. I think you love the memory you have of her from the start of the relationship when things were good and are assuming you can get that person back some day. Do you love the version of her that you have now that doesn’t trust you, that manipulates you, that doesn’t respect you? You should take some time to look up “sunk cost fallacy” and do some serious reflecting on the current state of your relationship along with what your future looks like if something doesn’t change.
Personally, I’d call her bluff by meeting with a lawyer, getting papers drawn up, and handing them over next time she says she wants to divorce.
None of what you said is “normal”.
I’ve been married almost 16 years and we have never went through each other’s phones, even though we both have the same passcode and could whenever.
Even earlier in the marriage, my wife knows I’m usually busy at work and doesn’t expect to hear from me all throughout day, we don’t need to talk every second. If I have time to text then that’s a bonus, but it would never be about anything serious.
At some point her words and actions will need to get on the same page, as this is not sustainable or healthy.
This sounds like two 15 year olds, relationships shouldn’t be this hard.
Do you really think this is what everyone does?
This is far from normal. This is emotional abuse on her part. If you want to stay in this marriage, insist on therapy. But it really helps with manipulative abusers like her. But at some point you will be done and leave, because it is not a wat to live.
NTA. No I never went thru his phone. With hindsight, I believe the things my now ex screamed at me in anger were things he really meant & that he felt comfortable saying when he was raging (which was often). He would scream that he wanted a divorce at me weekly & was horrified when he did it one time too often & I followed through – wish I’d done it when he first started. Life is too precious to waste with an angry, cruel & miserable person.
I’ve never gone through my husband’s phone. He doesn’t go through mine. I also have never gone through his wallet like he doesn’t go through my purse or the landline as he calls it. It is about trust, the most essential thing in a relationship. Do you go through her phone? What is fair for one is fair for the other. It seems to me that she up to something, feeling guilty and projecting it on you. If she keeps asking for a divorce give her one. Obviously she is not mature enough to handle an adult relationship
I have never gone through another person’s phone. Its a violation. You trust someone or you don’t.
I could not live the way you are currently living. My peace is important to me.
Your wife would benefit from therapy.
Call her bluff, time to stand up for yourself.
NTA- this is not normal. I have been married 32 years and I don’t go through my husband phone, I don’t call or text him at work unless it is an emergency like when we took his mother to the hospital. And we don’t talk about divorce or say the words. Your wife is toxic and very insecure. She needs professional help and if she doesn’t get that you might need to move on. I cannot imagine living my whole life like this.
Have there been cases of infidelity between you two? Has something happened for you to lose her trust?
She doesn’t trust you because she doesn’t trust herself. Possible Explanations:
She experienced betrayal growing up, her parents or past relationship(s), and can’t trust anyone, even herself.
She is betraying/cheating on you. Because she’s capable of doing this, she’s thinking you must also be capable of doing this.
She is thinking of betraying you and is mad at herself for those thoughts and end up lashing out on you. Similar to 2.
2 and #3 is unforgivable, but she needs therapy because most likely #1 is the root cause even if she is #2 or #3. Her stress and anger is abnormal. It can turn into bipolarism and/or depression. She might already be that. Mood swings would be wild and up and down within the day, within an hour. That’s what we call a real crazy lady.
I really think she needs therapy. Something is broken in her that she is not aware of. At first I was going to suggest you prepare for divorce, but the way she says she never wants to leave indicates to me that she needs help.
I suggest you calmly sit her down and talk with her about how it makes you feel when she shows this level of insecurity in your relationship. And suggest she get herself therapy to understand why she does this. Tell her, in a calm, resolved manner, that if she doesn’t seek the help she needs to stop reacting the way she does, that you’ll have to take her at her word and proceed with a divorce.
I think she threatens divorce to feel in control. She’s probably only used to toxic relationships and doesn’t know how to react in a healthy communicative way.
NTA. The next time she threatens to leave you, tell her “ok,” and help her pack her shit.
NTA.
Her behaviour is not normal. I know how to access my husbands phone and vice versa but I never feel the need to check it.
I do occasionally message my husband when he’s working but not constant walls of text.
She needs therapy and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Sounds exhausting.
If she’s going through your phone and accusing you of things I’d worry she’s doing those things her self. The only ex I had that accused me of cheating and being shady was in fact cheating & being shady
People tend to project their own behavior outwards
It could be that she is cheating. Cheaters have a tendency to project their guilt onto the one they’re doing wrong. If they are looking or doing they assume you are looking and doing.
You are fighting a losing battle. No you are not the anus. You will be the dumb dumbass if you remain in the relationship.
i have no idea why you love this manipulative, self centered, person who has no boundaries. You job probably doesn’t appreciate her phone calls pulling you away from
work. You can’t have peace of mind. Ask yourself if this relationship mirrors any other relationship you have had- with an unstable parent, etc. This could very well be a pattern.
She’s very obviously manipulating you, and this’ll never stop. Tell her to get therapy for her issues and paranoia or you only have two options; stay in a relationship with a cruel prison warden that makes you constantly on edge, or leave and find someone who actually makes you feel settled and happy.
NTA but it sounds like she’s needing some help you’re not able to give. She needs therapy, for whatever is driving this behaviour.
Speaking as someone who used to behave in a similar fashion, this is not about you, this is about her and she needs to do the work to figure out the why behind it.
My husband was the one to threaten to leave anytime fights got intense. It was a pattern he saw growing up, as his parents would do this everytime they fought. I told him to never threaten me with that again, unless he planned on following through with it. That just because we fought, it didn’t mean that I didn’t love him and wanted to break things off.
My behaviour as well stemmed from experiences in childhood and trauma as an adult. I have been in trauma therapy for almost 5 years now and that behaviour is long gone. I worked and I’m still working on healing those parts of me.
There is more going on with your wife and you can’t help her through that, only a mental health professional can.
Sounds like she’s not into you, and very possibly cheating (projection, being nasty)
None of this is normal. I’ve never gone through a partner’s phone. Ever. With or without permission. If I text my partner while he’s at work, it’s to tell him something that happened in my day, to plan what we’re doing after work, or to send him a meme.
My first thought was that she might be cheating and projecting, but even if not, consider whether you want to continue like this. This doesn’t sound like a comfortable situation.
not the a**hole, its not normal and decent odds shes cheating herself, do yourself a favor and take the advice here, put your foot down and stand up for yourself in these cases of abuse and dont let her gaslight you with threats of divorce. divorce threats are often used by women to make men fall in line like games of trying to make men chase them. hole thing is covered in red flags
I have plenty of insecurities and baggage, but I have never once gone through anyone’s phone.
There are words, and there are actions. Actions are louder and truer than words. Constantly threatening to leave you is blatant manipulation.
This woman needs a lot of work, and she’s the only one who can do it. It doesn’t sound like she’s willing to.
By the way, my ex used to threaten divorce all the time. I finally said, “okay,” and my life’s been so much lighter since I waved at his surprised Pikachu face in my rear view mirror.
Was she in a previous relationship where she was cheated on? Does she have a mental health diagnoses? Is she young? Abandonment history/issues? Tell her to get therapy. These could be some reasons for her behavior.
Is this my dad bc my mom did this all my life and probably still does lol
She is being manipulative and abusive. You deserve better than this.
I had an ex who would threaten to leave every time we argued.
It really really upset me until I realized he wasn’t going to leave he just wanted to hurt me.
So I kicked his ass out
Sounds like you both need to communicate properly, theres something each of you seem to not understand about the other. She sounds insecure wanting to feel loved and that you are loyal, she may have been through cheating with an ex etc. I think the best option would be marriage counselling as specially if the topic of divorce comes up. She may even be saying she’ll divorce you to ‘scare’ you into changing something about you or the relationship better. Reassure her you love her and show it too she also needs to learn to trust you since it sounds like you aren’t hiding anything, you aren’t the ah but this could become very toxic if something isnt done soon
Had a wife displaying this same behavior, turns out she was cheating. Hope this is not the case for you and she just needs some therapy, good luck.
Woman here, I haven’t gone through my S/O’s phone once in the 12 years we’ve been together. And no, I am not constantly trying to talk to him throughout the day.
Your wife is controlling and manipulative. You’ll be emotionally/mentally exhausted with this song and dance in a few years if something doesn’t change.
She’s acting like she doesn’t trust you to throw you off because she has something to hide. You need to check HER phone! I bet you when you do you will find something she is projecting on YOU! And I bet you she will absolutely flip out when she finds out you did it!
NTA! My have and I have been together 24 years. Shes been a psychologist for 10 and she deals with the LGBTQ community and Couples. Of hearing stories etc much,much like these your wife is cheating/ wants to. Shes wanting you to abide by her BS and/or you to divorce her while it not being her “fault”. Get counseling,work on it. If not tell her to pound sand.
Go online a find narcassist test and fill it out to see if she is this. It’s easy and free. If she is that will explain a lot.
Counseling or get out. Hell get your own counselor,speak with them and let them help you navigate these waters. It will help your mental health as well and most importantly.
Nah hate to say it but she just dropped hella red flags on you. Your whole post is a major red flag. This coming from a guy who dated a girl for 4 years, had my best friend come live with us when he was down, and then ended up cheating with him. Girls will never tell you the truth whether they’re satisfied or not in a relationship, women will. Girls get to a point where they “mentally check out” (their words not mine). Women work through problems.
Not excusing her behavior but does she have BPD?
Offer to swap phones and see what happens
Throw her the fuck out, JFC. You’ve normalized this behavior by accepting it, and only you can decide that it’s unacceptable. Make no mistake- you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
She sounds completely batshit.
If my husband threatened to leave me I would tell him to go. I will not be manipulated like that.
In fact, he did once leave like he was leaving me, but came back an hour later. We talked it through. Then he did it again a month later. I went ballistic and told him if he pulled that again I would not be there when he returned. I will not be treated that way, period.
Luckily he has never done it again.
Sounds to me your wife was never mature enough to even be dating, let alone married.
This is NOT normal & the issues are hers to handle, not hers to project onto you because SHE feels insecure & distrusting.
I would talk to her about her behavior, how it makes you feel generally & let her know that this behavior will not be conducive to a healthy, long-term marriage & if she wants to STAY married, she needs to seek out therapy to address where her lack of emotional maturity & trust issues are coming from
She does this because you have taught her to treat you this way. She knows that she can do it with no consequences. I would tell her that it isn’t acceptable behavior and the threat of Divorce needs to stop ASAP.
One warning, second warning, third time book a.consult.with an attorney…and tell her. Just out of.curiousity…have you done a deep dive into her phone? I.would.sooner than later tell her don’t ask her for her phone.
Your wife’s behavior is abusive. You need to get out.
This is something a teenage couple go through, not a married man and woman.
NTA. You know deep down that this won’t end well. Get couples counselling.
This sounds like unmedicated and unmitigated mental health issues.
Very much screams Borderline Personality Disorder.
You’re NTA, but I think you’re deeply in an emotionally abusive relationship, and mental health professionals should be involved. If you haven’t left anything important out of the story (for example, you had cheated in the past or something), then this is completely unwarranted behaviour.
No, I don’t go through my partners phone.
I don’t think he’s cheating when he has no reception at work.
I don’t wonder if he’s breathed near a woman other than myself.
Because he hasn’t displayed behaviour like that, and I’m not paranoid.
Please seek help of a professional… or just get the fuck out.
OP I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you. You’re NTA and she’s being abusive as hell. I know it hurts, but that push pull she’s doing, where she threatens to leave and then begs you to stay, that’s part of the cycle of abuse. Going through your phone, controlling what you do and who you’re with, disrupting you energy time you’re not around her and bombarding you with contact, all of those things are abusive, especially all together.
You deserve to feel safe at home. Your voice, your feelings, and your needs matter. In a healthy relationship, divorce doesn’t come up. Bringing it up in an argument means either the person who brings it up wants to leave or wants to manipulate their partner. It’s not something that comes up “in the moment” if the relationship is healthy. Please, for your own well-being, take her up on that threat of divorce and leave
This sounds like BPD
I think you guys might need therapy.
I’m not married; however, no I don’t go through my partners phone. It’s not common at the beginning of dating. I’ve never gone through his phone. I trust him. I also think it’s disrespectful to your personal conversations with friends/family that they don’t expect others to see.
And I barely talk to him when he’s at work. I’m also working. He sometimes will go me because he drives to various clients, but we generally discuss dinner/afternoon plans. We don’t fight all day.
Not normal at all, and not the sign of a healthy relationship. The reality is that neither you nor anyone else in the world can make your wife happy until she decides to take the steps to work on herself first
NTA. I agree with a lot of the others here. It’s possible she’s cheating and projecting.
I’ve never had any desire to go through my husband’s phone, nor has he through mine. Neither of us have passcodes on our phones and leave them lying in the open around the house. We trust each other 100%. OP, I hope you can find a good, trusting relationship, but I’m afraid it’s not going to happen with your current wife.
She should start w/therapy.. seriously. It seems that she has these obsessions she can’t let go of, in spite of proof to the contrary.
You say that you love her do much, but which part, this person who thinks the worst of you?
Give her an ultimatum on therapy, because otherwise she’ll break you.
Does she work?
You’re BTA for staying in this toxic dynamic.
But, why didn’t you include whether or not she’s always been like this or if there were events that altered how she is in the relationship? Why didn’t you include whether or not she’s in a position where she can leave you or if the dynamics of your relationship have put her in the position where she’s now dependent on you? Is she a crazy abuser or is she struggling to survive under impossible conditions?
NTA and it’s not normal. It will also never stop unless you put your foot down. She needs to do some inner work.
Im trying to not read too much into this or give her too much of a benefit for the doubt but Im wondering what she is missing from the relationship that is making her feel so insecure or unhappy? It took me threatening to leave to get my husband to agree to couples counseling – and I really think that before counseling if people had asked if we were happy, he’d have said yes, but that I overreact or get emotional about stuff sometimes (FYI we’re in a much better place now – therapy really worked). So I guess I’m just wondering what she would have to say about why she gets upset. Maybe she isn’t feeling seen by you or maybe there are aspects of your relationship that bother her that you don’t notice or care about. Or maybe it isn’t anything to do with you – she’s just personally feeling unfulfilled in someway and it’s causing her to lash out at the person closest to her.
If she’s aware that she sometimes lashes out (admits to saying mean things) maybe gently suggest that she work on whatever is behind that with some therapy. Or suggest couples counseling so you can both get some perspective on what might be going on.
I know redditors are f’ing brutal and will be like “then just leave her!” But you obvs care about her and she is obvs going through something. If you love her, help her get to the bottom of it.
going through your partner’s phone is not normal at all at any oibt in a relationship. Constant non-emergency interruptions at work are dumisruptive and disrespectful.
You need couples counselling and your wife needs added therapy for her exceedingly low self-esteem.
Usually, it’s projection when somebody for no apparent reason is checking your phone. Unless you are leaving something out, -which could very well be the case. If you are not leaving anything out, it is likely she is cheating and already checked out of your marriage. Actions speak louder than words.
She needs therapy.
You need to understand you do not have to be in a relationship where you are being abused. Her monitoring, doubting, accusing you, and threatening you with divorce non stop is a form of emotional control and manipulation.
If you love her and want to stay with her… tell her the condition is therapy. Individually and couples.
NTA.
Her not wanting you to leave her does not mean she will not leave when she’s ready to. There will be a day in the future, where you will learn that the hard way.
She’s nuts man. How bad is your self esteem that you think this is the best you can do?
To answer your questions no, I have never in all our years together gone through my husband’s phone nor have I wanted to. I trust him.
I don’t barrage him with messages when he’s at work (or ever really, I live with the man, I don’t need to text him constantly too).
I don’t complain to him, I want to have peace and happiness with him, I pay a therapist for someone to complain to.
I’ve never said something mean to him just because I was angry, and I can get fire spitting mad at times. I’m adult enough to turn that into productive conversations, not whining at him while he working and being mean.
And I wouldn’t bring up divorce unless I wanted to get a divorce. Using it as a threat or to get your own way is low, manipulative and shitty.
Soooo what are you asking what you could be TA for? You need to be in an advice section.
Anyway, this isn’t normal and you don’t seem to have any gumption or a very strong sense of self worth. Your wife seems to need a lot of emotional work, and some mental health issues and may need some help. She could also be having an affair and simply projecting because the affair has its good and bad days. And don’t think she’s above that, don’t kid yourself. This isn’t a good relationship and it’s headed downhill but you are going to wear yourself out trying to save it.
Call her bluff. Get those divorce papers ready and the next time she screams she wants one, pull them out only needing her signature. She’ll see you’re not playing her stupid games and bending to her like you have been. She knows you’re not leaving, make her realize you mean business and not going to throw yourself on the sword for her seemingly unrequited or sparse love.
Soon enough you’ll learn to choose yourself and stop thinking you need her to be happy when she’s clearly not.
Shei is going through something in her head. She wouldn’t keep saying dont give up on me. Have her go to her doctor. She may need a antidepressant. He may suggest a therapist. When she says dont give up on me, that is because she knows this is not healthy. I’ve done this before because of my own insecurities.
No, the looking thru the phone is not normal but goes about what im talking about. If ppl say to leave her. You love her. Help her to get help. Don’t give up on her.
Your wife has a mental health issue. It’s time to put your relationship in front of a therapist. Just you telling her will not solve anything. If she has no plans to change after that the only way things will change is if you change. Nobody’s an asshole here. Relationship needs a little help.
That’s not normal, maybe she wants to leave you but can’t do it. I threatened to leave like 10 times before I actually did, because I just couldn’t do it, even though I wanted it more than anything.
This sounds like projection. Maybe you should check HER phone.
Call her bluff. Next time she says that pack a bag and go to a hotel.
Pure toxicity. My ex-wife used to do this – I’m a LOT happier, with her being my ex-wife.
Look, if I had someone constantly telling me that they are going to leave me, and blew up my phone while I’m trying to work… I would grant their wish. “You’re free now, fly away. Leave me alone.” The peace and quiet you would receive would be way better than the constant stress of someone threatening to leave and blowing up your phone daily.
No, it is NOT normal for her to go through your phone EVER. She sounds insecure. She may be projecting her own infidelity onto you. She also sounds codependent.
I’ve never gone through a partner’s phone. For context, I’m 38 F and have had several relationships throughout my life.
“I cannot live reasonably with you acting the way you do. Whether what you do is justified or not it is harming me and is intolerable. Either it has to stop or for my own mental health we need to separate”
What I told my wife Sunday
yeah no, I don’t do – and have never done – any of those things. She clearly has unresolved trauma. Couples counseling would be a good idea, as would individual counseling for her.
People tend to fear what they are most likely to do.
NTAH. It’s not normal to go thru your partner’s phone at any point in the relationship. Run of the mill, trusting and trustworthy people don’t do this. She’s going to be shocked one day when she threatens divorce, (again), and you agree with her. Her driving you to that point is inevitable. When her threats of divorce cease to hurt you, that’s when it’s finito.
Just leave her. She clearly is trying to control you by using leaving as a threat
NO!!!! My husband/partner’s phone is their personal business. NO!!!! I don’t call or text unless it’s an emergency. Work isn’t paying them or me, to be on my phone.
She sounds insecure AF! She needs therapy.
Then again, she could be doing this because she’s feeling guilty and doing things that you don’t know about. Threatening to leave every week…next time she says it, so OK and goodbye. See how she reacts to that.
Divorce her. Plain and simple. She’s looking for an issue. She either is doing what she’s accusing you of or she thrives off making you miserable. You don’t need that in your life.
To a point I am her, did she grow up in an abusive home? I love my husband more than life itself, but I did everything to get him to leave me, I am not worthy of this great man’s love. I also told him to leave I wanted a divorce,I’m not happy: I was unhappy because I felt he deserved better. Have several talks about WHY she is unhappy, search for the why, maybe seek counseling together then separate. I never called him or texted him at work, never went through his phone etc…. But he knew my insecurities and when I suspected he was cheating he walked in handed me his phone not to “check” but “I found an interesting article i wanted you to read but lost it can you find it I thought I saved it” Or something equally as dorky a respectful way of saying I trust you with my phone, I never had to sneak. Also, you cannot make her happy, only she can make herself happy. Only other reason I can think of is she is cheating and cheaters accuse their mates of their own sins.
NTA your wife got mental health issues and you need to be direct and firm with her about getting help she needs. I have been on a ten year relationship and never have I ever needed to invaid my husband phone if I can’t find mine I ask hey can I use your phone but not sneaky that’s an insecure thing, it’s like she’s trying to find dirt on you to validate her leaving. If she don’t have mental health issues she’s given up on you long ago because she’s looking for every way out
She is mentally torturing you. The stress this is causing you is extremely dangerous for your mental and physical health. She has insecure emotional problems that require therapy. She should be addressing this, but it sounds like you might have trouble getting her to do it. In addition, marriage counseling is recommended. You love her, but she needs to be told that it will change if she isn’t willing to change this behavior. Good luck.
That’s such a toxic place of mind to be living in
It’s not normal and she knows it she just doesn’t seem to know how to control it. Have a loving conversation during a calm time soon about how this saddens and hurts you and ask her to seek therapy, alone or together. And tell her you will be seeking therapy yourself to learn how to better manage your feelings and communicate with her.
But if that’s not enough or she’s unwilling, you do not have to stay.
Next time she says it, say good and show her the divorce papers. This isn’t normal. I would never say something like this to someone I supposedly love.
Her behavior is not normal, and it will not improve if she doesn’t work on changing it herself. If she isn’t making any real effort to change or getting some form of therapy, it isn’t going to happen.
If you don’t want to live this way the rest of your life, you have some hard choices to make. Good luck.
Therapy. Individually and together.
She needs therapy and you need couples counseling. You’re currently in an emotionally abusive relationship.
This woman is cuckoo. Why are you still putting up with this??
Don’t try to make a relationship with someone who threatens the nuclear option. Honestly? Shes probably cheating and projecting her guilt onto you. She wants to catch you cheating so she can absolve herself of guilt.
She is cheating my guy . Sorry just a heads up
Married 25 years. We dont go through each other’s phones. Why live like that?
She has some kind of mental health disorder going on and needs to be in therapy. You may be the target of her distress but the underlying issue is not you.
Your wife hate you and hates herself. Jealousy is not a show of caring or love. It’s solely a means of control. She’s not mature enough for marriage or any relationship.
Know of a similar situation. Guys perspective ( gay relationship) boyfriend 1 and boyfriend 2 would use each other’s phone if one forgot theirs on rides or their phone died ect except only one of the boyfriends would get ansy and jittery when the other was on their phone for too long despite neither of them having nothing to hide. Turns out, he was hiding porn subscriptions, saucy apps with annual subscriptions, ect. This was a breach on the other boyfriend’s trust because they were open about deal breakers and this was a form of cheating for “both” of them since it shows how much you want to cheat without “actually cheating” a lot more goes into this. Lying about finances in a joint income for “bills” ect ect
Snooping isn’t ok, and you can find almost anything on anyone if you look hard enough.
Are you worried she’ll find something, or has she seen anything to make her feel distrust? Was being betrayed an issue in any prior relationships for her?
She’s toxic, like damn, how can you fall in love with such a person?
Not normal, you married a wackadoo.
This is absolutely not normal and not healthy. This is abusive and manipulative.
She sounds like she has some major issues. Starting with being insecure and peppered with a cluster B personality disorder or two. She needs therapy. Your job is not to “fix” her, that is her job.
Suggest she goes to therapy for herself and couples therapy for you both. If she doesn’t, you have a choice: stay in a miserable relationship or move on and find peace
To me, it sounds like your wife has a lot of anxiety around you leaving. So she continually tests you. When you pass, she feels better for a while. Then the anxiety ramps up again and again until you eventually fail. Then she says she knew you really didn’t love her. She’s soubds insecure. She obviously has trust issues as well.
This behavior isn’t going to improve without professional intervention. She needs some therapy. Possibly couples counseling in the future to improve communication. But she needs to be willing to do that for it to help.
JFC, this is not normal. She is abusing you, and you sound so unhappy.
You must be walking on eggshells around her, marriage should be your happy place where your spouse is your best friend, your soft place to fall, someone you can trust.
Ask yourself this question, can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life?
Constantly going through your phone is not normal, and I’m saying this as a married woman. It indicates trust issues. You two need couples counseling. If she refuses to go or doesn’t work to try to improve on her end, I’m sorry but it might be time to cut your losses. That’s not a healthy relationship.
NTA
As many said, you need to couple’s therapy. Tell her calmly that you want to work things out and that it will help you both be better to each other.
I would like to also ask you if she is doing anything while you work. Does she also work? She’s got any hobbies? Goes to the gym or visits friends/family? She might be getting herself into this idea that she’s not enought and that you’ll cheat and leave her. The mind is a horrible place when you don’t entertain it and have anxiety. So i also suggest that if she does nothing, to look for something for her to do. I had a friend go thru something similar and it got way better once his girlfriend started a part-time job and going to the gym.
NTA
If she keeps threatening divorce just say okay. She’s using it as a bargaining chip. A way to make you scared. Men and women do it. My sister’s man (they aren’t married and I refuse to acknowledge him as a BIL) has been doing this to her for over 25 years. It won’t get better.
People don’t go through their spouses phones everyday, nor do they call/send text msgs like crazy when their spouse is at work. I don’t call or text my husband at work nor does he do that to me. We wait till we get home to talk if anything. Work and personal life should be separate. Unless there is an actual emergency, don’t contact your spouse at work.
You should both have an actual sit down conversation. I think the relationship has changed on her end and what she needs now in a partner may have changed compared to when you first started dating or got married.
NTA. Leave her. Don’t make excuses or give reasons. Just go. Your wife is a piece of shit.
I had a husband who threatened divorce like that all the time. One day I said sure…to his dismay. I divorced him no matter how hard he tried to back out. Your wife is toxic and a control freak. Do you really want to live like that much longer?
Insecurity is a bit**. Chances are good that she’s insecure about you doing the things she’s doing herself or has thought about doing.
I think your wife’s issues are so severe that I don’t understand why you still love her. Her actions tell you all you need to know. Why would you love somebody who treats you like miserable shit. Do you respect her? Do you like her? It’s time to move on
Question for OP: Have you ever cheated on her? I’m wondering if her behavior is related to a breach of trust. Either way, what she is doing is not healthy and is manipulative and abusive. You really only have 3 options here: 1) marraige and individual therapy. 2) if she isn’t willing to try therapy, divorce. 3) do nothing and continue to let your wife manipulate and abuse you. She isn’t going ti magically stop being horrible to you because some internet strangers agreed she is an ahole. Personally, if she isn’t willing to go to therapy, i would end it. It doesn’t matter how many years you have put in or how much you love her, its not worth letting her make the rest of your life miserable.
No this is not normal. Time to sit her down and tell her to stop it. She doesn’t get to be mean to you because she is mad about something that may or may not be related to you.
Her issues are her issues and she needs to put her big girl pants on and deal with them. No more going through your phone or several calls throughout the day.
If she can’t or won’t deal with it, rethink your relationship. She sounds exhausting on a good day, can’t imagine how bad she can get. Life’s too short for such stress.
There has been a few of similar “cases” on dr phil… and stop enabling her!
When you do, it is like a drugaddict getting a fix – and then the effect wears of and they need another fix.
Your wife needs outside help for her issues, cause it is above your paygrade to help her in the long run.
Sounds like to me shes deflecting and maybe trying to make you out to be the bad person she really is. And if she’s bringing up divorce more and more either be ready for it to happen or make it happen yourself, because in all likelihood it will happen.
Get 👏 her 👏 to 👏 therapy! And get yourself some too while you’re at it. May as well add couples therapy in there too for good measure.
Find a Gottman-trained therapist. Look up The Gottman Institute on line and start learning how to make your marriage work.
I hate to say this OP, but she might be projecting. A lot of cheaters are paranoid that their partner is cheating bc they know they are. And assume you are doing it. It is absolutely NOT normal for her to go through your phone all the time. Most people don’t ever do that. Most people will say, use their partners phone to google something or check the weather or make a phone call, not go digging through apps or messages. The only time I did that in my relationship I was young and was being gaslit by a cheater. I looked through bc I knew I wasn’t crazy but he told me I was. I no longer have to worry about cheating bc I will just leave if I can’t trust you and believe you to be cheating.
Let her go, aka: you’ll be better by yourself. Those insecurities will take a huge toll on you and the relationship in the long run. Besides, this kind of threatening conduct will keep you in an emotional rollercoaster and affects any couple’s stability.
Her insecurities and lack of confidence are not on you.
Also (idk your wife and it might not be the case, but…), beware, lot of people do these things because they project in their actions how they think. Meaning that they have cheated and lied before, and think that the rest of the people are like them, so they behave like this.
Again, I’m not generalizing and not saying that your partner is like that, but many times I’ve encountered this behavior in insecure men and women that are afraid of their partners doing what they’ve done repeatedly in the past.
Sir you are experiencing Domestic Abuse, with indication of emotional abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour. If you spoke to a domestic abuse organisation they may further advise you about this. Please discreetly prepare to exit the relationship quickly and safely.
This is not normal behaviour. She’s being very abusive and manipulative.
She needs help, and so do you.
8 have never ever gone through my husband’s phone or checked his social media. That’s because i trust him and I’m a whole person even without him. Your relationship is not healthy. – I suspect neither of you is emotionally mature. If i were you, I’d get therapy to explore why you are so ” in love” with someone who treats you so badly.
NTA-No this is not normal. I do not even know how to get to my husband’s phone’s Home Screen. He has no PW – he is android, I’m team Apple 😀
We do not call or text through out the day – we both have very busy jobs.
If he does call- I think someone must have died or gotten hurt.
We do not track each other’s where abouts either.
We always communicate what we are doing for the day- stops on the way home from work. Call each other a lot on the way home from work.
Honey if the roles were flipped would you even hesitate to believe the guy was being emotionally abusive?
This isn’t normal or okay. This behavior is NOT acceptable.
NTA – edited to add judgement
It is not normal!!!
I did it once when i was in my early 20 because i was 99,9% sure my ex was cheating ( he was) i haven’t done it since and the chance of me doing it ever again is super small. I dont even look at my bf phone when he is on it if he dont invite me to or show me something.
She likely needs therapy to cope with whatever trauma or delusions she has. A phone i private, and it is not okay to check others the way she is checking yours.
( i know i did once. I’m not perfect)
Just another woman here to say that I have never looked at my partner’s phone, let alone without telling them. This is not normal behaviour. You both need marriage counseling, and she likely needs her own therapy as well. Her trust issues are eating you both alive.
No this is not normal. In all the time I have been married I used my husband’s phone one time. (He has surgery, it was easier to tell everyone in his family group chat). I never just go through it, ever.
The next time she threatens divorce, call her bluff. Say if that’s what you want then I’ll find an attorney for myself tomorrow. I would rather be single than deal with your jealousy and insecurities. I will give my attorney your info please only contact me through them..
Then follow through.
I dated a girl like once. It was truly awful, the entire 3 years. She’s insecure and/or projecting her feelings and actions back at you. She’s not going to change buddy, sorry you’re going through it.
My wife pulled a lot of crap and threatened to divorce me, until I realized I can’t make her stay and told her to go.
Leave her. Are you dumb?
No normally when someone is threatening with divorce they are trying to get the upper hand in the relationship why don’t you help her pack and be on with your own merry life it may suck now but you will feel much better afterwards and will even find a woman that actually loves you because the one you have now dosent.
I’ve been married for 25 years. I’ve never gone through my husband’s phone. Never had a reason to, either.
I have never once gone through my partners phone because I trust him. I also leave him alone mostly when he’s at work. If there’s a problem I want to talk about, we do it face to face when he gets home.
All that being said, her behavior isn’t normal and she needs therapy. As someone who has borderline personality disorder, it seems like she either has that or she has major trust issues and abandonment issues. She needs professional help that you can’t give her.
This isn’t normal. SHE has issues within HERSELF. You aren’t the issue here, she is. And until she figures herself out it won’t matter who she’s with, this will continue.
She probably needs therapy. She’s probably got some depression and self loathing and trust issues to work out
Edit. Also it’s nice you don’t want to leave, but she’d have to WANT to fix herself and by herself … As in put in the effort on her own…. This isn’t something you can do for her. You can support her. But that’s about it. You aren’t doing anything wrong by going to work.
Threatening you that she’s leaving you just to get her way is completely. This is not normal behavior, at this point if she continues to threaten that she is going to leave you just blindside her. You leave her first divorce her at this point because only God knows how many times she has done this over the years and continues doing so and does not change her ways
I go through my husbands phone about once a month. It is at his request to clean up his messages and browser history. He has a mental block with any technology. I don’t even look at things, I just clear his history and delete texts except the ones he asks me to save. What your wife is doing is not normal. Not the snooping, not the bringing up divorce when you argue, not the texting repeatedly while you’re at work …none of her behavior is normal. She needs therapy or you need to leave her. Do you want to be going through this your entire life?
Surprise her, leave her first 😝 kidding aside yeah this isn’t normal you have your own privacy and how can a relationship works with distrust of your partner or no trust between each other at all?? Like the other people commented here she needs therapy and change cuz relationships are complicated but it doesn’t have to be like this.
Your wife is emotionally abusing you.
This is not a situation that therapy is going to solve. This is actual abuse. You do not need to live this way.
I get that you love her, but you’re allowing your love for her to give her grounds to dictate your life.
She will never not project her insecurity on to you and the scrutiny will not end.
You need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. Make no mistake, abusively neurotic people like her don’t change.
NTA, but you’d be doing wrong for yourself by not putting your foot down. Her behaviour is toxic and controlling and you’re only accepting victimhood for yourself by continuing to allow her to act this way towards you.
Time to say goodbye
Therapy for her she probably has a condition
Unfortunately, she doesn’t like you. NTA
Literally none of this is normal. I’ve never gone through my boyfriend’s phone and he leaves it around me all the time.
When he’s at work I text him and wait for him to respond because he’s busy. I don’t just keep blowing him up.
She needs to work on herself. I hate to be a typical redditor, but she needs therapy
It sounds to me as if she wants out, but doesn’t want to be the one to make the jump. So she’s making it miserable for you so that you are the one. And that way, she’s the wronged party and you are the bad guy.
In all honesty, you deserve to be treated better than this. How would you feel if you saw your child’s partner treating your child this way? Or your best friend’s partner behaving this way towards your best friend? Sometimes, it is easier to stand up for others than it is to stand up for yourself.
And in answer to your questions – no, I don’t go through my husband’s phone. All girls DO NOT do this. When he was at work (retired now), we would touch bases during his breaks. And that consisted of “Hey – how is your day going? Miss you.”
You deserve someone who lifts you up, encourages you, supports you, trusts you, is your strongest ally and biggest advocate. She ain’t it.
Give her an ultimatum that the next time she threatens to divorce, over nothing, you’ll follow through. If you continue to play into the extortion tactics she is playing without showing her there can and will be repercussions, she will get worse.
>I don’t even know where to start. I am so in love with my wife, but I don’t feel like she shares the same feelings. She says she does, but her actions speak louder and its crushing my heart because now she is bringing up divorce more and more. She always assumes the worst about me, always accuses me of doing things I’m not doing, goes through my phone behind my back when I’m sleeping or in the shower, and she constantly calls or texts me while I’m working to tell me about all of our relationship problems and how unhappy she is.
She sounds quite awful my man. It seems the lady doth protest too much. I wonder what you would find in her phone………
>But when we talk things out and makeup, she says, “never give up on me! I never want to leave you and I say mean things when I’m angry, but please never leave me.”
It’s time for her to get in to therapy to address her psychotic behavior. You should consider drawing up divorce papers and the next time she threatens it, toss them in her lap and walk away.
Do you have kids? If not, run for the hills my friend. She is way too high maintenance. How old are you two?
NTA. Divorce her crazy, abusive ass.
NTA
You married a psycho, RUN!
No not normal. At the very least when you are in a somewhat good spot with her. You sit her down and tell her calmly and lovingly, if she ever threatens divorce or leaving you again, then that’s it. You are leaving.
Which of these qualities do you love about her?
This is not healthy nor common at any stage of a relationship. Your wife sounds like she has undiagnosed behavioral issues and needs therapy at the minimum.
That said, you could use couples therapy in addition to individual counseling to have an unbiased third person to help you both identify unhealthy behaviors and learn how to combat them.
What you’re going thru can really take a toll on you and can eventually build resentment in your relationship and damage it beyond repair.
Please get therapy for your emotional well-being as well as your marriage.
Love is not enough for a marriage to survive much less thrive. It takes work too.
From the sound of it, your wife needs to do a lot of work on herself to trust and respect you enough to let you work without interruption and bring up issues when appropriate to.
I personally don’t think a healthy relationship involves going thru your partner’s phone ever, especially in secret.
All of these issues can be remedied by therapy and work. Good luck.
Never once have I touched my partners phone but he also wouldn’t hesitate to hand it to me. She doesn’t trust you one bit.
Mine was like this. I told her bye. Do what you need to do. Shit gets old. But I think she realized she was going through menopause. So it could be hormonal.
Sorry, I know you love her but she is emotionally blackmailing you.
I never once went through a boyfriends or long term partners phone – I expect the same from my partner – and it is not common (at least where I come from).
Problems are solved face to face with each one being present, preferably at home not via texts or calls.
Do you think you would be able to tell her the next time she is threatening to leave you “Honey, no worries, I packed my bag and I am off till Monday, calm down or we are done, I am not going to tolerate your threats anymore because they eat at my soul”
NTA. When she says she’s angry, ask her what she’s angry about and tell her that if she wants a divorce, then proceed with it or stop making threats. Let her know you are tired of her Jekyll and Hyde personality. Couples therapy may help. Her multiple calls per day is a sign or lack of trust in your or her own insecurity. Tell her the calls during work hours have to stop and to only call for an emergency. You need to change your reaction to her behavior to hope to change her behavior. When she’s calm, ask her why she keeps making these threats and why she keeps going through your phone. Ask to see her phone – her reaction could give you a clue!
One Love has good information on what a healthy relationship looks like and what an unhealthy relationship looks like.
Nah end that shit. She’s being manipulative and emotionally abusive . You deserve better my guy
This isn’t about you. She needs help. She needs to find inner peace with what is making her act this way. She may love you deep down but she doesn’t love herself and is taking it out on you.
I’ve been similar in relationships even though I hate to admit it. I hated myself and was projecting my hate onto my significant other. I did some serious soul searching, found my spiritual self, started meditating, started doing reiki, started working out again, read some amazing self help books and started to love myself again.
It took a lot of work and still does. You have to actively want to be a better person. I’m able to communicate better, and actually have healthy loving relationships.
I have never and will never go through my husband’s phone. I have zero desire to and never have. I trust him and he trusts me. I honestly don’t even remember his password that he’s given me several times because I don’t care to remember it.
Life is too short to be unhappy. Everyone deserves a healthy happy relationship. You need to have a serious conversation with this person if you really want to stay with her. Relationships can be mended and people can change, both only if both people want that. If she’s unwilling then you may have to take a long hard look at what you want for the rest of your life. If she’s unwilling to change this will continue to be the pattern in your relationship.
When I was married I never even considered looking at my husband’s phone.
Put a lock on your phone, then pack it up. She has zero trust in you. If you have done nothing to harm the trust, then she is just a weirdo. I don’t go thru phones bc Idc what’s on it, it is none of my business. You know, mutual respect.
Not “all girls” go through their husband’s phone. My husband wouldn’t mind in the slightest if I looked at his phone but I would NEVER do so without asking first.
When my kids were little, I was pretty anxious and worried that my husband had been killed in an accident if he didn’t get home at the expected time. (this was pre-cellphone.)
My husband would listen to me say “don’t leave me; I just say mean things” about one time before he would insist we address the problem.
I’m so sorry you are in such a tough spot.
NTA
Married 34 years and I’m on my 2nd marriage and I have never gone thru my husband’s phone. Maybe counseling would help especially for her there’s some deep seated issues going on with your wife. Maybe a previous bf totally dogged her so bad she has trust issues.
Not normal. NTA. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot OP and it seems your wife has many issues she needs to start addressing because like others have said, it’s not going to get better on its own. It’s not something you can fix by yourself.
Have you ever been unfaithful or had a problem lying to her? Is she bipolar?
Hey OP, abuse doesn’t always need to be physical. In fact it can manifest just like this.
And if you’re confused when you read that statement I want to validate that it’s completely normal for people to love their abusers. That’s why it’s so hard for people to get out of these situations.
I’d seek out therapy and get a support system rolling if I were you.
Insecurity and emotional manipulation… You gotta call her out on that, and offer to help build her confidence, otherwise she’s GOT TO GO!! Your emotional well-being is just as important as hers, and if she doesn’t recognize that, she’s not worth agonizing over
NTA. Sounds like your wife is doing a bit of “projection.” This business of her constantly accusing you of infidelity usually comes from her guilt and she’s trying to project that onto you so she feels better about herself. Why else is she tracking you constantly? Why else is she constantly trying to find even trivial evidence to justify her accusations?
You can’t use anger as an excuse to say any damn thing you want, she’s using you as a safety net until she has her hooks into some other poor soul. Let me simplify what she is saying to you “I need someone to support me financially and emotionally until I get the bigger, better deal that think I deserve.”
Please ignore what I have said and continue with this dysfunctional, doomed travesty of a marriage. You’ll feel better after she serves you papers at work and you are living alone in a shitty apartment wondering where you went wrong.
UpdateMe!
You should check her phone *hint hint
Make her happy and leave. Neither of you can flourish the way you are living.
A separation should clarify the issues and the path forward or not.