UPDATE: my wife came home and we talked about it and she was completely understanding of the risks. And she even said herself “she made her bed and now she has to lay in it” she just expressed that she “wants her cousin to do better and make better choices” and we left it at that all is good and we will not be allowing her cousin to stay with us but have said we will forward her local job listings and keep an eye out for apartments/ homes that come open for rent in the local area.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to share personal experiences and give your perspectives.
Wife wants to help out family and im not so sure what to do/say.
Gentleman who are heads of households i need some advice.
Yesterday my wife asked me if i knew of any places in the area that where hiring. I gave her a few suggestions and then asked her why if she was unhappy at her current job. She replied that it wasnt for her and for her cousin. Thats when she started telling me how she feels bad for her cousin and wants to help her out of a shitty situation and then she asked me if they could potentially move in.
I was a little shaken by this and told her i need time to think about it.
Let me give you some family details and why its not a clear cut yes or no.
I want to hear what other men have to say about this situation.
The cousin is a felon and former drug addict she got cought up selling hard drugs a number of years ago and went to jail and has since been let off probation and has been to rehab and is sober now. However she has two kids already both of whom have been taken from her custody and one lives with grandma and the other lives with the father. She has now gotten with a new man and now has another baby on the way.
I have never met the man she is with now and know nothing about him. My wife claims that “hes just a dude trying to get his life together”
But given the cousins past choice in men i cant help feeling like this dude is probably a wanna be thug. Or just a bum. As that has been the cousins previous choice in men.
My wife claims the cousin is struggling to not fall into bad habbits again due to stress and bad living situation. She says the cousin wants to move closer with family to have more support and stay away from bad influences.
My wife also says that it would be temporary and that they could pay rent and help with bills and groceries ect.
I just dont know what to do. I want to help family out and give them a chance. But at the same time i dont wanna get burned or screwed over. And if it takes longer for them to get there shit together then there will be a newborn in my home and idk if thats something i would want. I also dont know this dude at all and all though im pretty chill i dont think id do well if this guy is a bum or wanna be thug id quickly lose my patience and am worried about potential violence or having to kick these people out.
Couple that with the fact that if these people start taking advantage of me and my wife and i have to throw them out then ill look like the bad guy to the family.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? How did it go for you how did you handle it. Or should i simply tell my wife no and not let anyone move in. Although having some of the house payed off sooner would ve nice.
EDIT:I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY THAT THE COUSIN IS CURRENTLY WORKING AND HAS HAD A JOB FOR 2 YEARS AND IS NOT CURRENTLY HOMELESS BUT LIVES IN A SHITTY AREA. (UNSAFE)
Sorry if this is a book.
TLDR
Wife wants sketchy cousin and boyfriend to move in and im not sure.
Comments
Nope. They’ll never leave.
Say yes if you want to destroy your marriage.
Say yes if you want your things damaged and stolen.
Say yes if you are open to the possibility of getting into a physical altercation with the boyfriend when they do something you don’t like and you try to put your foot down.
You are obviously a considerate and kind person to even consider doing this, but the (huge) risks outweigh any reward – and frankly, she’s not trying to get her life together, if she was, she wouldn’t be pregnant with a third child.
If you do this, you will regret it.
Having someone else living in your home is not easy at the best of times, even if that person is 100% above board, responsible, and has none of the baggage and issues your wife’s cousin is dealing with.
This is a recipe for disaster.
If things go south you don’t get to “throw them out”, you get to go through the whole legal eviction process while living with these people.
No, hard no.
Been there, done that and it was a disaster.
Depending on where you live once they establish residence they’d have to be evicted if things go sideways and there’s about a 95% chance they will.
Not your problem, do not get involved, do NOT let them in your house.
Too many red flags, this thing doesn’t learn and keeps shitting out babies without taking care of them. If that equates to being responsible, your household is circling the drain by merely entertaining the thought.
That sounds exactly like the type of situation that I wouldn’t want in my home.
No. You all are still young and in the building phase of a life together, it’s not worth it. You need to tell her to not bring it up to them or anyone else again, and if they are the ones asking you need to call them and shut it down.
This is a recipe for disaster. Have fun!
The fact that she got knocked up again makes me think that she hasn’t learned from any of her past mistakes.
Hard pass.
It pulls at my heartstrings, for sure, but I just couldn’t bring that risk into my life or my child’s life.
No.
Just… no.
Run from this.
Wasn’t even a third of the way through the post and my answer would be no. “Getting his life together” is felon code for “he’s still fucking up”. And a baby on the way means you would REALLY be the bad guy when things inevitably go south. Single moms have all kinds of resources available. Recommend them and stand back.
No.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
This will end badly. You will get burnt.
I suggest a quiet sit down and chat with the wife, where you can explain your reasons – in a calm and as respectful way as possible but make it clear that you will not shift on this.
If you do, if you give an inch, a mile will be taken and you will not be able to kick them out quickly or quietly.
You know, it would be a different situation if the kids were at home, she was a stay-at-home mom, he was a good man and a good provider and something devastating happened and he got killed. This is bad decision making and to let them in just further enables it. It’s not going to stop or get better.
Put your foot down now and be the villain for your own sake and don’t let your wife pressure you into this.
I’ve dealt with this kind of situation 3 times. It will absolutely result in you getting screwed over and i’d stop it before it ever starts if i were you.
You wouldn’t let a hobo move into your house and that’s basically what the boyfriend is, hard no
I’m all for helping family but with that history? Then the child is born, the expenses grow and now they can’t leave. You will open the door for a guy you don’t even know and got a woman pregnant so quickly when he is not able to take care of them? In some time you are raising and sustaining a kid that isn’t even your.
In my opinion, help them as much as you can finding a affordable place. To get a job. To prepare for the child. Help with the addiction even going with them to meetings and all. Even give some financial help if you are able to. But don’t open your home door for more then a visit. That will be a huge risk.
Don’t do it. And pray that your wife didn’t already bring up the possibility to them just hinging on your approval.
You never want to owe money from family and renting ends up being alot of money.
The common scenario here is that they’ll move in. Can’t hold a job down. Sister falls off the wagon, boyfriend either leaves or does the drugs with her. And now you have 3 mouths to feed.
Baby ends up staying with you. Or you become childcare.
Another possibility is that your wife catches feelings for the boyfriend, the cousin catches feelings for you, or vice versa. Proximity infatuation hits hard for many.
Is there a chance that this could be the turning point they need? Sure, but complacency breeds bad decisions. Once people get comfortable surviving then they ignore the possibility of thriving. That’s just how people as a majority are.
If someone doesn’t have a track record of putting in the effort to make their life better than they probably won’t do it in a new environment.
Just don’t do it.
I would be inclined to help these people, but wouldn’t want them in my house. Send them listings for rented rooms and jobs. Find local resources for homelessness prevention, if there are any. Give them a ride to the food stamps/EBT office and help them sign up for WIC.
Living with me and bringing their messy chaos ways into my quiet, orderly home? Absolutely the fuck not.
That’s a no from me, dawg.
Maybe the cousin alone, but inviting in her boyfriend who you don’t know is a giant fucking no.
This is all great advice. It is not your obligation to fix the shitty situation caused of your wife’s cousin’s decisions. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wouldn’t allow them to move in. I very likely wouldn’t give them any money either.
Someone said it…they’ll never leave. And depending on your state/country’s squatter rights laws, you may find that legally you can never kick them out – they will own you and your home.
If you have kids, or anything valuable…it’d be a hard no for me. Also, something my wife would have told me before she offered it.
On the flip side, this could be the break this woman and her boyfriend needs. Yet, still a hard no from me. If they were motivated to get their shit together, they wouldn’t need handouts…at all. Extrinsic motivation ends the second their free handouts stop. Intrinsic motivation is not dependant on handouts.
Absolutely not. I dont even have the energy to explain all the ways this has gone wrong for other people or could go wrong for you.
Do NOT agree to this.
Somewhat similar situation- My mom allowed a long time friends daughter stay at our house while she got back on her feet. She repaid her by stealing my stereo system out of the basement that I had stored there while I was in the military.
Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You have to assume the cousin is a user and a thief. And that the boyfriend swims in the same end of the gene pool.
It’s hard to let family fall. Don’t underestimate how terrible this all is on your wife. But it’s harder to live in the chaos an addict brings.
See if you as a couple can be of help. In the best case you have a very low chance of helping the cousin and a big chance of blowing up your shared life.
Good luck.
You could offer to get them hotel for a few weeks. It would be a gift! Maybe other family members could pitch in too?
[deleted]
That’s a big “No!”
Do not fucking do this. Not under any circumstance.
Keep your peace.
Nope. A disaster dumptruck of problems waiting to unfold. I would never agree to this, Big pass.
NO. The answer is NO. It’s a no brainer. But let’s break things down:
> My wife claims the cousin is struggling to not fall into bad habbits again due to stress and bad living situation
No, she made stupid decisions and has substance abuse issues. If she moves in with you, those stupid decisions and addictions will be in your home.
> The cousin is a felon
Letting this person live in your home will probably raise your car and home insurance rates.
> they could pay rent and help with bills and groceries
Huh? They’re unemployed and have a baby on the way. Nobody is gonna pay you shit.
> having to kick these people out.
After they have lived there for 30 days, they gain tenancy rights (if you’re in the US). This means you can’t “kick them out”. You would have to formally evict them, which involves a notice period, the Sheriff’s Dept, and court. And if they have a newborn baby, that may involve Family Services as well. So in other words, they will continue to live with you while you’re pleading in front of a judge to let you evict them. FUN!!!
Some people hate the phrase “man up”. Well, now an appropriate time to use it. Man up. Tell your wife no.
They won’t leave. Better to not give an inch.
“Felon and former drug addict”
I stopped reading there. Do not let that person into your home. Your wife has to see reason with that kind of risk.
YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT DO THIS..
I understand your wife wants to help, but it’s better to be the bad guy now, then after they have moved in and something gets stolen, or ‘borrowed’.. or a gun goes missing.. or any number of things. Her sister has had a tough go of things, but she had made and continues to make horrible decisions. It will be a disaster if you do it.
I have helped out people who were going to meetings and some even had years clean. Learned lessons I wish I had not learned. I would take someone in only if they were my child/sibling/nephew or niece. Helped a family member and it took 3+ years for stability. What you can do is help them help themselves. Be a friend that will assist with the paperwork for SNAP and public housing. Provide rides to a couple of meetings a week. Suggest the cousin look for a halfway house or 3/4 house/recovery supporting housing. The big red flag is the pregnancy and already lost custody of two. I’ve known mothers that changed their whole lives to be a good parent and obtain custody, at least visitation, again. Source: worked in-patient/out-patient tx and drug court. Clean for over three decades.
You are kind for wanting to help but you will ABSOLUTELY get screwed over by them. You will find things missing. You will find people in your house that you don’t know.
If he is ‘trying to get his life together’ then he can stop by and visit a few times before you decide to let them live there.
Do not cave in, it’s just a headache waiting to happen. Cousins track history sounds awful and they ain’t going anywhere soon with a baby on the way. Do yourself a favor and firmly say no.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
Jesus Christ. No.
Do not let them move in! They always say it is temporary but they never leave. You have to get divorced just to escape. If it is a deal breaker then only let the cousin move in without the partner and allow no sleepovers. This will make the option less appealing
Not only no, but hell no. They won’t leave willingly and they probably will contribute very little, if anything at all.
If a history of addiction exists, and one/both relapse, one/both of them could start stealing your stuff to get their next fix.
This cousin obviously makes terrible decisions, likely isn’t too bright and probably would only bring chaos and drama to your home. I would say no if my wife asked me this same question.
Edit: Fixed a typo
I’m a woman who has been in a similar situation where I allowed someone in need to move in with me. Keep in mind that once they establish that as their address, you can’t just kick them out if they refuse to leave. They are tenants, whether there is a written lease, or not. And they have rights. You will have to evict them through the court. That process varies by location but it can be a drawn out process.
This will slowly ruin your life and degrade your relationship. Take the hit now from your wife and she’ll get over it otherwise good chance it continues to get worse with your new housemate.
People like this get homeless slowly overtime by burning bridges with their remaining family and friends. You will be the next people to cut them out because you’ll have to usually by stealing or bringing unsafe people around yourself. The cousin needs to be on their way to getting clean and having a job, they don’t seem ready yet and still self destructing. Save everyone the headache and just say no and offer help other places, you have to keep your home safe
Letting these sorts of people into your house has a 99% chance of ending in disaster. They’ll be like a human cockroach infestation.
No. No. No.
You will be miserable.
I would not under any circumstances allow them to move in. Help find a job, yes! Help find alternative housing, yes! Forward some cash, yes! House them in your home? NO!
Once they are in your house you will have no control when they leave without a lot of time, angst, aggravation and money.
I would say no so fast her hair would blow back
Absolutely not. I’d rather go bankrupt paying for her cousins hotel than let an ex felon drug addict into my house.
Are you high?
Why on earth would you even consider this?? It has bad news written all over it
Unless its an immediate family member the answer is no. Given you don’t know who this random BF is and this chick’s history of making bad choices its 100% a no.
If I’m paying for everything my wife has no say in this matter. However, if your wife is paying the bills then you can’t really argue with her if she wants to offer your home up to this girl.
no to the BF 100%. don’t know the guy and he’s not coming into my home. it would be different if the whole family knew him already and held him in good regard.
to the cousin, there are hard rules you have and you set a duration for the stay. if she doesn’t like it then it’s a no go and you can help by finding her a different place to stay.
The important thing is to have set in stone boundaries that if crossed will lead to being thrown out. also if theft is a concern then it’s a no imo. you shouldn’t have to worry about your family or property in your own house.
Family helps family. If they’re clean give them a chance. Otherwise no. A quick interview should tell you.
Sounds like a nightmare to me. Felonious drug addict that is not responsible enough to have their own kids?
Remove boyfriend and it is slightly less nighmarish. “just a dude truing to get his life together”… and this is your burden to bear how? I mean, relative? OK. Sorta kinda maybe get it. Fuck no on the plus one.
I have been in the postion to hear a lot of sad stories. So many people “just need a chance”. I have heard that a million times. 99% of the time, they really mean it. They want to do the right thing. A not small number of those times, despite their intentions, they fuck it up. Are you ready to be on the receiving end of what “fucking it up” means?
That she is making new babies is a clear red flag that she is absolutely not getting her shit together. When you have children that are taken away from you, making new ones is the opposite of responsible. And one is with grandma? Why isn’t grandma helping? Or is that bridge burned?
> they could pay rent and help with bills and groceries ect
sure. The reason they can’t get into a place is because they are good with money, right? They might pay a little here or there, but it is almost certainly isn’t going to work out the way you are hoping. They are going to “owe” you and then they are going to help you fix up some random thing in lieu of rent. Ultimately, there is a reasonable chance the relationship is going to be fucked up with your wife and cousin because you are helping them, they are not going to be any better off, and something messed up is going to happen in your house.
And for god’s sake, sign a lease with them if you do let them in. When you have to go to court, it will help you.
Are you ready for them to fuck it up in your house? With some random dude? 75% chance or more this does not go well. This would be a big no for me. They gotta sort their own shit out and not much about this seems on the up and up. Need a hundred bucks? ok. Not gonna live with me.
I had a similar situation, my cousin got out of prison and my mom asked if he could stay with us until he got back on his feet. I told her it was a hard no. Three weeks later he was back in prison. He will never get out again.
Never, never, NEVER.
Not no, but HELL NO.
If you do, you’re going to regret it. Mark my words.
RemindMe! 1 year
It’s a bad idea. Your wife feels guilty so make sure to acknowledge that and then explain why it’s a bad idea.
But also I noticed is that you said “wife” and “my home”. Do you feel you own that home and your wife doesn’t? Because I’m unsure if that’s how it would be viewed legally.
It’ll be better to be perceived as a jerk than be a victim of their abuses.
You can offer a token amount of support (like show up to help them move into a place, help prepare meals and mow a lawn) but you only remain strong enough to offer support if you have your own strong foundation.
If you allow you kindness to destroy your foundation, then you’ll wont be capable of offering support.
Having never met the boyfriend is a problem, but the biggest issue in my opinion is that these two adults are a package deal. I can see letting a down on their luck family member move in but a partner on top of that is a little much. The baby on the way is actually insane.
Just tell your wife you’re more comfortable contributing money and hoping they make the right choices with it. Sounds like they’re still employed and have a place to stay but it isn’t ideal. I think the two adults should just live within their means and plan to move later.
I think because the cousin is clean I’d be okay with her moving in, however the bf that I’ve never met would be a no go. I’m 100% for making an effort to help family that want to help themselves and have proven to be on the right path, but inviting a man into the house that I’ve never met wouldn’t sit right with me at all.
I didn’t make it past “the cousin is a felon and former drug addict” before I SCREAMED no. Absolutely not. And LOL @ “they can help pay rent and help with bills/groceries”. No stable employment, cousin is pregnant and thus not LOOKING for a job, and the wife is willing to move them in based on a MAYBE?!
Say no. If your wife loves you she’ll pick you over her cousin
If she wasn’t pregnant already with a new boyfriend that also has the same issues it would still be a hard maybe. Those problems aren’t going to stop, and she clearly has no intention of changing otherwise she wouldn’t already be pregnant. I guarantee they will be fighting all the time and unable to keep a job. If anything, she can move in, but with a curfew. The boyfriend can visit but not stay overnight
No. Nope. Red flags.
Bless your wifes heart. What a good soul. But, with that kind of past and the current situation with that cousin. That shit isn’t going to change. The cousin seems like she was enabled and selfish to get to this point.
The fact that she keeps popping out kids and can’t take care of them is one of many obviously horrible problems.
Neither one of you is qualified to care for someone like that, let alone a sus stranger. It’s a safety risk, too.
Be caring but firm. “Under different circumstances, I’d probably agree. But I can’t get on board with this this time.”
Just help out with information about addiction resources, shelters, etc.
Best of luck, op. DON’T ALLOW IT!
Apart from everything else, after long enough, the ‘guest’ family will forever be enmeshed with your own (including the children) and will treat members of the stable family as lifelong support for their weird bullshit (hare brained business ideas, mental breakdowns, unemployment, affairs, joining a fucking cult…)
Source: observing my ex’s family 20 years after doing something like this (they were the ‘stable’ ones).
When you say “no” make sure you follow up with the three to five best concerns raised here PLUS the closer, “They will never leave without a fight. Why would they?”
The cousin alone would be a no. Junkie felon baby daddy, too? Oh hell no.
Hard no
BUT, I get the predicament. If it’s a possibility YOU NEED SOMETHING IN WRITING that has a move out date. This needs to be lawyer type of writing. Something that protects you from anti eviction rules and squatters rights. I’d guess you’d need to charge them rent even if it’s $5 a week to be able to evict them when the pre stated lease is up.
The baby on the way makes it a harder no because in 6 months, what are you gonna do, kick out a newborn and their mother, the fact your asking the questions tells me you arnt going to be able to do that (I wouldn’t be able to).
They need to sell you a plan and a timeline at the very least.
Tell her you’re not happy to do that, it should be end of discussion.
Don’t do it, bro. Nothing good will come from this.
You’ll end up having to evict them. Don’t.
Brother, let me be clear—this is hypothetical, but I’m the kind of idiot who, against all logic, would let my wife’s formerly addicted sister move in with us if she were pregnant. I’d probably let her stay rent-free, no questions asked, and wouldn’t expect her to leave until the baby hit kindergarten age—just so she could get back on her feet. And to be clear, I know that would still be a terrible idea. But that’s her sister. That’s family we’re tightly bound to for life. I would be willing to suffer the consequences of my actions for my hypothetical niece.
But a cousin? One you weren’t even close with before this recent drama?
Man… no.
A cousin and her bum boyfriend?
HELL NAH.
That’s not generosity. That’s self-sabotage dressed up as compassion.
Trust. Your. Gut.
You’re Spider sense are tingling. You’re not heartless—you’re being wise. You can still help without handing over the keys to your peace of mind. You can help someone look for jobs, offer some groceries or baby supplies, even give rides or referrals. That’s support. Do not give them money, do not let them stay at your place for a few days.
Bringing two unstable adults into your home with a newborn on the way is a whole different thing. Especially when you don’t know the guy at all and common sense is already saying “this feels off.”
Say it clearly, say it kindly, but draw the line:
“Babe, I love that you want to help—but our home has to stay safe, stable, and sane. This isn’t a good idea. Please don’t ask again.”
You don’t owe guilt to extended family. You owe protection and peace to your household.
TLDR- FUCK No. Like Never. I will not be chil online about this. You sound like a nice guy who is about to get fleeced for your home.
Why can’t she move in with the myriad other family members instead of you? I wouldn’t want the additional baggage that will come along with her.
No, just no, no is a complete answer. Don’t bring drama a trouble into your home.
NO! Problem solved.
Your wife is scaring me, shes threatening your personal sense of safety imagine dreading going home expecting something bad to happen as you are literally opening the doors to strangers whom you have heard bad stuff about already 💀
Do you have kids? If yes, then it would be a non-discussion for me. Anything that puts my kids in danger is 100% not happening. Having felons in the house would fall under that.
We had to gently remove one of my wife’s heavily members. It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t invite him back… In any case, be ok with a prolonged and substantially increased expenses.
I’ve never been in this situation, but you should always weigh whether your relationships and accounts can handle the worst case scenarios.
Worst case: you have invited two druggies to live with you, steal from you, ask you to care for their baby, and more druggies stop by periodically. Eventually there is a raid.
No one would be comfortable with this, but could your marriage survive it? Or would you divorce and leave? Do you have money tucked away such that you and your wife could afford to move out while you go through an eviction and clean-up effort on your primary, druggie infested home?
Let’s say you say, “No,” and you read about a couple with a young baby dying in the summer heat somewhere. Will your wife leave you over this? Is her family going to blame you two?
Thinking about the worst case can help because those making plans only ever talk about what they want to happen and some people talk about what will probably happen, but you have to understand if you can survive the worst that can happen.
Good luck
Since she is clean and sober, I’d say yes to her (especially since she’s pregnant) but hell no to the boyfriend.
Absolutely not. Give them money. Help them rent an apartment or buy a used car, but don’t live with them. Them living with you will be very destabilizing to your family and what are the odds this ends with cousin moving out?
No. No felons or drug addicts will ever live with me. If they backslide they will steal.
There are options that can help with relocation…churches and other organizations can help. Do not put yourself out there. Make this a hill to die on, or divorce on if she pushes it.
Nope, I have a former addict aunt. In the throws of the addiction and those first few years after her going sober were hell for my grandma. I love her dearly, but I could never live with her or anyone else unless they were my kids, parents, or siblings. Even then, there is a hard time/boundary limit.
I wouldn’t but I would offer some other ways of helping. Asking around for somebody with cheap housing, rides when needed, even a grocery order here and there. I come home to relax, not worry about extra people.
Edit-to finish the sentence
Sounds like asking for trouble is to me.
You need to have a very difficult talk with your wife about those. It sounds like she possibly spoke to her about it already. Having two extra grown people in the house for an unknown amount of time will cause major problems. You need to let her know that you both need to have minimal role in any of their behavior. This is not like a family member who lost a job and needs to get back on their feet. This will not only destroy your marriage but also your life. She also needs to understand the risks and danger included. Let her know about that first.
She’s pregnant, this means you’ll be “blessed” with not only the cousin and some random dude, but you’ll have a newborn crying all the time and disrupting the household.
I would likely help out my daughter and her boyfriend in this type of situation, but a cousin would have to find other arrangements.
In situations like this I always find it interesting how “other family members” will not only NOT offer their help but then shame others for also not being willing to help lol.
Here’s what I suggest. I wouldn’t them in my home either (the cousin is a bum too and likely lacks the ability to assume accountability for her own actions). You didn’t mention it in your post but I’m assuming you don’t have kids. I do. So that alone would prevent me from allowing them to move in. What I would do is offer to pay their first month’s rent for an apartment to give them that month to figure things out. It doesn’t take more than a month to find the kind of jobs people like them would qualify for anyway (lets be real here, people like them don’t get well paying jobs or management positions to start, they have to work their way up and prove themselves, which they absolutely can do).
On top of that, you all could solicit other members of the family to raise some money and perhaps be able to offer them a 2 month or longer buffet on rent money. This will not only satisfy the family obligation of helping each other out, but force them to take ownership of their life and future. They’ll have whatever length of time you all manage to be able to afford to get themselves going. Which isn’t difficult. I can with certainty say that the boyfriend would have little problem finding a reliable job with any local home service company as an entry level laborer for instance.
> getting his life together
Doesn’t that phrase just mean ex-convict?
I don’t see any upside to this. Also, if/when you catch the cousin with drugs, turning her in could cause issues with your marriage.
Sorry, hard pass. Don’t need that extra stress.
My friend, I just finished reading your post and the best advice I can give you isn’t even mine: “Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep others warm!” This is a jackpot scenario if I ever heard one. You can be empathetic to their situation and even help from time to time in other ways, but please, “don’t feed the animals or they will never leave.” I have family experience with individuals who appear to have been cut from the same proverbial cloth. If you let them have access to your life on that level, there is a HIGH likelihood you WILL regret it.
Hard no. Went through this with ex wife helping out her friend and kids. The friend stole money from me and never got paid back. Also never paid any for rent while staying at my house.
If you really want to help, offer a gift of money, preferably a check for partial rent written directly to the landlord. But with people with those pasts, it’s a bad idea to just give money as they can’t responsibly handle it. You might just be enabling further bad behavior.
I’d honestly wait till they exhibit positive changes over several months before offering assistance, otherwise anything you provide will likely be wasted.
>The cousin is a felon and former drug addict
High risk
>has another baby on the way.
Still making bad choices
>I have never met the man she is with now
Nope!
>My wife claims the cousin is struggling to not fall into bad habits again due to stress and bad living situation.
Is the baby growing inside her not enough to stay clean, and law-abiding?
>She says the cousin wants to move closer with family to have more support and stay away from bad influences.
She has a baby daddy for support.
Inviting her alone would be risky, especially as it sounds like she wants you and your wife to be her buffer so this kid isn’t taken from her too! You’ll be the bad guy for kicking a pregnant woman out, you’ll be the bad guy for kicking a new mum out, and CPS will be watching. You cannot win here. She’ll move in and stay indefinitely. Unless the plan is to try to sweet talk you and your wife into adopting this kid.
Inviting him, a complete unknown? hell no.
“The cousin is a felon…” Probably No.
Kept reading…hard nope.
Does her cousin have parents? If so they can move in with them. My brother was an addict and can’t be trusted because they will steal your stuff for a fix.
Do you have children?
Big no man.
Hello no. How is getting impregnated after losing 2 children to negligence getting ones life together??? You’re asking to be a part of a long line of bad decisions if you say yes. I’ve tried helping many people like this before and it does not work.
When I first read the title, my answer was no. After reading the description, my answer is FUCK NO.
They will never leave. The cousin will have the baby in your house and then you can never kick them out because they have a baby.
Also after they’ve been getting mail in your house for a certain amount of time you legally won’t even be allowed to kick them out if you wanted to (at least not without jumping through a fuck ton of hoops).
But also, I feel like you already know all of this and just need to tell your wife lol.
If it was me, I would consider letting her come by herself, never with this deadbeat dude.
The problem is, if you let her stay by herself and she becomes a tenant, she will just move him in anyway. Leave it to your imagination how things escalate from there.
I have a lot of family with drug/alcohol problems, fair amount of jail time.
We had one successful experience. A cousin was out of jail and he moved into his mom’s house. He clearly turned over a new leaf, was working side jobs for cash, had a completely different attitude. It was clear that he was working hard to change his life. It was clear that he deserved a chance based on that effort.
This girl and her bf are bums. It’s simple to get a part time job, they just don’t want to do that type of work. Many young bums think they are too good for basic jobs, I blame social media for this, they think they are a lot more special than they are. They would love a place to bum.
Yikes, definitely no. The risk vs reward is minimal. Risk: These 2 people still continue to be leeches/bums, they invade your space physically/mentally, resentment with your wife. Divorce, headache, legal drama and a financial drain.
Reward: They turn it around and you feel good.
Like another poster commented, give them 1-2k as a deposit on their OWN place and wish them luck. You will never be able to get rid of them.
If if was just the cousin I’d say yes. Family should help family. But if this includes her BF and a child that is a bit much.
I know a few ex cons and it is difficult for them to re-integrate in society. This is especially hard if their family shuts them out. They are already having their job options and living situations limited by their record.
They will bleed you dry if you let them. Just say no.
We took in my BFF’s son and his GF. Within months, they were fighting loudly late at night, waking us up. We eventually threw her out at 3am one morning after she pulled a large knife from our kitchen knife block and threatened to unalive herself with it. The guy got the knife away from her just as I entered the kitchen. Thankfully, I had gone out that time to tell them to shut up. If my husband had seen her crying and him holding the knife, things could have ended very, very badly.
People still in the process of getting their lives together still have way too much drama for my comfort.
Also: squatter’s rights. It could be extremely had to remove them from your home if you decide to.
The “boyfriend” is a complete stranger to you and your wife. He should not be allowed into the house AT ALL. That should be the most basic condition for any temporary stay. The fact that the cousin is even expecting such treatment tells you all you need to know about her sense of entitlement.
If the cousin is really trying to “stay away from bad influences,” then she should have never gotten together with this new man, much less gotten pregnant AGAIN after already having lost two children to the system. So her credibility is already shot.
HARD NO.
I have been in a similar position.
DO NOT DO IT.
It never ends well. It will put stress on your relationship and it may never recover.
I think you’re getting good advice in the comments here, but if you DO choose to bring them into your house, you need to do a lease. Not that you need to get them on market rate rent or a full independent suite, but lay out the terms of them staying. Maybe expire and reconsider every 3-6 months. Set terms for drug use in the house. etc. It may be annoying to set up, but it will make it infinitely easier to manage if something goes wrong. It also gives you all the framework you’d need to enforce them paying their share of bills, etc.
I would be wondering why close family isn’t helping out more in this type of scenario and go to them for deeper understanding, has cousin burned bridges with siblings/parents, etc…
My wife has family members in similar situations.
Everyone who has ever helped has gotten burned.
It’s unfortunately just a sad fact of the situation.
If the cousin has a specific actionable need (car breaks down for example) it’s fine to go to the garage and pay them for the bill. It might still cause future begging, but that’s up to you to decide about.
If she’s truly got her life together, she’ll get things straightened out on her own in time.
If she doesn’t then she won’t.
You can’t risk bringing that into your home unless you are ready for the cousin to take you down with her if she doesn’t.
Never let a drug user under your roof, especially if you have kids. Think about the kind of man she is with. What kind of man would be with that kind of woman? Do you want him in your home?
Absolutely not. They have no incentive to leave and evicting them would become a nightmare.
I have lived/am living this situation with my stepchildren.
Once she is there, it ALL becomes your non stop problem. She, her kids, her dude, her dude’s kids, her kid’s guardians, his kid’s guardians and Guardians Ad Litem could/will ALL be in/at your home randomly. Her plans will CONSTANTLY change. ALL semblance of privacy or focus on your shared life with your wife will disappear. Your sex life will die.
I would have to write a novel in order to detail ALL the ways that this could and does go badly or address ALL the factors. I’ve seen it from my stepdaughter being like the cousin and my stepson impregnating a woman like the cousin. If I ever do, I’ll send you a free copy.
Let the above snapshot be enough for now, though. If you and your wife cherish each other, your time together and the life YOU are building, emphatically say no. DO NOT DO THIS.🛑
Every person I know who has done this regrets it.
Addiction can be hard. A baby on the way so a total of 3 people. That would be hard for them to move in. Different story if it’s one person.
My parents let my elderly aunt moved in. She got robbed $30,000 by her caregiver. My aunt was basically bedridden for months. Now she is walking around without an issue. She pays rent to my parents but lives in the house with them.
If you had a second property or a smaller detached building then I would say go a head.
Wonder if there is anything you can do such as a loan in “writing” with automatic payments set up via bank account as the requirement. Or helping with their rent. That way they don’t see the money directly but they are changing who they pay.
Not paying rent can be a giant help to obtain a security net for problems.
Cousin that has two children already taken away from her and is now once again pregnant? I don’t think so.
The idea of giving them a cash gift is the best way to show support but not then assume the responsibility of housing them.
Why are you asking this sub? You’re only going to get self-affirming answers here.
If cousin has held a job for 2 straight years, that’s a pretty strong indication of improvement and committment to change. Boyfriend is a totally different matter though. You don’t know him. I think its worth considering letting her live there, but not the boyfriend. You have an obligation to family, but family he is not.
We had family members come to stay with us , they were both drinkers and drug users neither one worked they never done anything , never tried anything to help them self’s , we got them jobs without them even having to interview , we got them a good lead on an affordable house , they were like leeches , neither one paid their way they always used all of the hot water they’d clear out the cupboard of food , drink the last of the milk and not replace it , one left because there were too many rules the other one got kicked out honestly one of the worst experiences of my life we were rowing with them everyday we were rowing with each other about them everyday , my advice is do not let them stay
Stopped at felon / addict.
That’s a big no. I don’t care about any of our born in family if it’s gonna put our family in danger.
Pregnant again and with some loser rather than focusing on her recovery? Absolutely effing not. Maybe if she was 2 years sober and single and focused. But certainly not with a baby and rando bf
I wouldn’t let these people spend the night… Move in? You’re liable for whatever they do/bring into your house.
Don’t do it.
We took in my wife’s sister who has much milder issues than what you describe, and there are fights every two or three weeks in a home that previously never had fights.
It’s a major hit to overall quality of life for everyone.
These instances never end well. They will jeopardize your own relationship more than anything.
“My wife also says that it would be temporary.”
After 30 days they are tenants and you would have to go through the eviction process to get them out of your home. Better off giving them $500/month to help with rent. Will be much less costly in the long than inviting them to take over your home.
Firm no. I your wife argues or disagrees, I’d tell her she’s free to pack her shit up and go get an apartment with her cousin.
Lol , that would be the fastest and easiest hard no i would ever say. And believe me im all for helping the next guy. But if you have a close family and you have to take care of them (wife and kids), adding that many chaotic factor in it will certainly make it impossible.
Lend some money or even pay straight the first few month of rent if you want. Cook and deliver them food for a while , everything but dont let them ruin your own life.
This is such a a bad idea.
I have been in a similar situation. My sister is not a bad girl but she liked bad boys. She had just had a baby, her husband left her and moved way off with no job, she could not make her rent and bills on her own, my parents said she could move in with them but I KNOW how much that sucks so I offered her an extra bedroom I had at my house, I actually had two extra bedrooms. She moved in and everything went to shit. My house was never even relatively clean, my washer and dryer were always full of her and the babies cloths, my dishes were always dirty, my fridge was always empty and after a couple of months she had another dirtbag staying at my place even after I told her no guys at my house. It ended poorly and I had to ask her to move out, which she did but she was pissy about it for years.
That being said, I would say no. Its your house too and you should have the power to veto any big decisions like this.
There might be a small chance I’d let the cousin stay, but not a chance of some random boyfriend I’ve never met.
Really dude? wtf no way bro
DO NOT LET THEM MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE.
You have absolutely nothing to gain from this. Its all risk and liability. Your wife needs to think logically not emotionally. The cousin made her bed and unfortunately she needs to lay in it now. This situation will end in disaster.
I stopped reading at “felon and “former” drug addict”.
If you want them to never leave, and if you want to destroy your marriage then go ahead.
If i were you i would tell my wife that i will pay for a months worth of cheap hotel IF they pass a drug test done tomorrow at such and such location.
They will ghost you after that offer.
Give them as much money as you are comfortable never seeing again, but do not let them move in. Full stop.