I’m new to reddit and I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but I’m in need of advice for how to support my wife and her parents in this situation.
My wife and I are living on our own and we just make enough to get through everyday living so we cannot provide financial support for her parents.
For some context, her family was in debt for around 200k and they were able to pay it off a few years ago (roughly 5 years ago) taking a second mortgage from their house. They now have racked up more debt but they are not willing to go into detail when we ask about it. We do know that they are trying to make ends meet by taking odd jobs (MLM’s insurance stuff etc.) and working overtime. They have been using credit cards left right and centre to pay for eating out, Amazon orders, just a lot of unnecessary things. They also use it to travel to other countries to visit family but it is never planned or saved for.
The current situation we are dealing with is her dad’s birthday is coming up and we wanted to surprise him with a party. We offered a free solution by booking a free venue which was in a nice area with a bunch of windows, a pool table, a grilling area and an amazing view during the day. We agreed to do a potluck with family members and they were more than happy to do this. However, last minute her mom decided she wants a different venue which will cost her about 3k for the venue alone and will require to pay for everyone’s food as well. Her reasoning was because it has a stage for live music. We wanted this to be a cheaper alternative because of their situation. We tried to tell her that it was not necessary and that the extra spending will only cause them to work more especially her dad. He’s been taking in a lot of overtime and night shifts to make as much money possible to keep up with his wife’s impulsive spending habits. This has been getting worse within the last 2 years to the point where her dad is now developing serious health issues from overworking. My wife is worried that this party will just contribute to further declining her dad’s health because he will be the one primarily paying off the debt afterwards.
We have tried to talk to her mom about this concern and she just denies their debt and even lies by telling us her dad hasn’t worked overtime but I’ve spoken to her dad and he’s told me that he’s trying to take as many shifts as possible ranging from overtime to extended night shifts to pay off their debt.
We want her dad to have a stress free wonderful time spending it with family without overthinking about the costs and the extra work he will need to do for his own surprise party.
Any advice would be extremely helpful.
Comments
It might be a tough love situation.
Everything I say obviously, take with a pinch of salt, and this is all just what I would do personally.
I would personally start with ‘tough love’. This is somewhat comparable to an addiction, in the sense that it is ruining their lives but they seemingly can’t stop, needing a kind of intervention.
It could be quite difficult, for you and your wife seeing as these are her parents, and especially as it’s for his birthday but maybe refusing to go and clearly stating the reasons as to why – you refuse to fuel their further descent into debt and the issues that come along with it (health problems, being overworked, mental health issues, most likely not being able to see eachother often). Although it’s quite brutal, it may be what your MIL needs to get her to understand.
From what I’ve gathered, they’ve kind of managed to save themselves from any sudden changes/ direct negative consequences but are slowly building up these huge problems (not just debt, but future health problems) which maybe they can’t see and it’s passive.
Maybe a harsh approach will ‘wake them up’, but I completely understand how difficult that is, and maybe for your specific family dynamic/situation it wouldn’t work, but this is just a direction you could take which could be effective and hopefully lead to more open and honest conversations. Maybe ultimatums need to be made eventually as well ‘you must tell us what’s actually going on or…’ nothing too crazy obviously but just to kind of shock them a bit into reality but also allowing them to open up to you as you clearly want the best for them.
It’s tough love at the end of the day, so it all comes from love. If you follow through with an approach like this, I would advise to stay a loving as possible, reminding them that you want the best for them, keep facts circulating to make sure everyone stays grounded and don’t let things get too tense. You wouldn’t want to start a war, just get things moving a bit.
Like I said, this is just my advice and what I would do personally, but it all depends on their personalities and your family dynamic, but also don’t be afraid to push a bit, at the end of the day it’s to benefit them.
Good luck with however you decide to handle the situation, it’s very difficult with money and family.
And they wonder why they are in debt.
Do you know what MLMs are? they’re pyramid schemes with an asterisk, meaning 99% of people who join will lose money.
You have to understand that spending money for your MIL is an addiction. Idk about your FIL but he is also either an addict or an enabler. Your wife’s family needs to have an intervention with both of them to address their addiction. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do other than support your wife.
One thing I will note is that if MIL goes through with the 3k venue I would talk to your wife and her family to ruin the surprise to your FIL so that he can cancel the venue himself assuming they’re sharing credit cards. Its not fair that what’s supposed to be a birthday celebration will end up costing him more overtime and his health.
I would tell the dad. Also, MLMs are cults that cause you to lose money not make it. I would tell her that you are hosting the potluck at the free place and will have nothing to do with the place she wants to rent. Do not enable her. FIL may be better off getting a divorce.
MIL needs help, but that’s a separate issue. I’d recommend that you have the pot-luck and advise the MIL not to plan the 3k party on the same day. FIL’s people have already committed to the pot-luck by saying they would participate. Next, I’d make sure FIL is told about the 3k party. He’s really the only one who can stop it. If he doesn’t, that’s between the 2 of them. (No, I’m not being glib. Whether someone struggles with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or spending, I’ve learned the hard way that nothing I’ve tried has worked. Perhaps if it had been a spouse it would have had different results, but my unwanted help has rarely born fruit.) Best of luck to you and your wife!
This is especially bad because they didn’t really pay off their debt — they just traded it for secured debt, and at some point they’re going to be back in consumer debt, and have no ability to borrow more against their house. When they can’t pay anything, the house will be foreclosed upon and they will end up with no place to live. They absolutely should not be taking on any more credit card debt until they have paid back that second mortgage.
I don’t know that you’ll be able to get them to listen to reason, but you need for them to make a plan for when they don’t have a place to live. Especially if one or both of them end up unable to work. This is going to go bad quickly once it starts to turn.
Just say no. “Thats not reasonable, and you know it. No one can afford to play pretend like that right now. The free option, we can make a song list and do it pot luck style. I’m not willing to help you take on debt for a one-night thing.”
This is a situation where, in my opinion, you have to step back and not be involved. Not your finances, not your problem. They are grown adults and presumably the mom didn’t get into the debt on her own. Yes the venue will add even more debt and/or prevent them from paying current debts, but again, not your finances or marriage. I’ve been in similar situations and finally had to tell that family member I didn’t want to hear their financial woes anymore.
Put your foot down and tell them, the party you planned is all you are doing and that is the end.
I think your wife needs to sit down with her mom and have a heart to heart. And tell her if she keeps going on like this and denying that she’s in debt they’ll probably lose their house. True story!