TL;DR: my partner and I Uhauled and got engaged earlier than I felt ready. Now, a year before our wedding, I worry if going through with the wedding is a disservice to us both because I don’t know if I’d stay if I had the financial stability he has. I know we love each other & our life. We have a beautiful partnership that others look up to. But I have the nagging thought of “what if” since we got together when I was 23.
I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for nearly 4 years. We’re getting married in a year, and I’m worried I’m making a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life. When we first got together, I knew he was extremely interested in me because he pursued me relentlessly. He wants all the same things I want in life and wants to give me the world on a silver platter. I was struggling to get by as a student in a high-cost-of-living city, and, even when we were just friends, he would pay for me so I could afford to go out (he is in a high earning potential field.) Initially, we were casually hooking up; it wasn’t a big deal that he wasn’t exactly my type, because I adore his personality. But when he made it clear he wanted to be more, I feared losing his friendship, and I fell into a relationship. Before I knew it, he was practically living in my studio apartment. He hated how small it was, so he sublet it to a co-worker. I sobbed when we moved into our first apartment. Everything was happening so fast. I didn’t know if I wanted this, but he was so sure. And I just didn’t know what else to do, so we kept going and now we’ve lived hear for four years. As we were first getting together, I had a massive friendship breakup and felt alone outside of him. I made/make no money. I had no friends to turn to. No one to talk to. My family is far away. I didn’t think of myself as desperate, but the comfort he offered through his love and support was so alluring. For years now, I’ve wondered if I’m doing him a disservice by staying or if it’s just my self-sabotaging tendencies talking. In fights, he voiced his biggest insecurity, something I myself have wondered: am I just with him because we live together, because he supports me through my doctorate, and he has become the center of my social world? I think we’re a great partnership, yet I can’t help but wonder if I had the funds to live the same lifestyle on my own if we would be together. I feel like even questioning that means the answer is no, but he’s my best friend and I love our life so, so much. Is this normal pre-wedding jitters?
Sometimes I think about if I was single now and how much I would do differently than I did in my early twenties before we met. I think about how much more beautiful I am now, how I have my life together, how I’m smart and confident and not crippled by social anxiety. Am I going to become resentful of him for taking my twenties? He never wants to be divorced; will he be resentful of me if everything clicks later and I realize that this isn’t want I want? I can see myself raising kids with him and building our life further, but I was never head over heels for him. I wonder if I have picked security & long-term compatibility over love, which seems smart and logical. But at the end of the day, I’m marrying someone I don’t feel that chemistry with. Chemistry has never been the most important thing to me, but I wish I had experienced it with someone. I wish I had dated with the understanding of myself & self-respect I have now, or do I just want my friends and daughters to do so? My partner and I have so many incompatibilities in background, and while I love his family, they are rough people: do I want them to be my children’s family? Am I doing everything wrong? Is this just anxiety? Am I a terrible person? I’m afraid to talk to anyone about this because I’m afraid of blowing up this life I love so much, but is it better to acknowledge these feelings now than to let them grow or are they just fleeting? Please, has anyone experienced this?
Comments
I think you need a long and hard look at your life and that can only be accomplished with therapy. You are all over the place and need to organize your thoughts and feelings. No one here is going to be able to help based on this jumble of emotions you’re feeling. IMO if it’s not an enthusiastic yes to marriage, then it’s a no. And it does sound to me like you are using your fiance for a comfortable life. But I could be wrong about both. Get therapy!
Sounds like you’ll ride his coat tails as long as as it materially benefits you as you have more incentive to stick around while you “figure yourself out” and finish your education, and later on when you have more material freedom and gain less from the relationship, you’ll be on your merry way.
You don’t want to, but you can’t help taking advantage.
Poor guy.
I think you two should do couples counseling, which is a smart move to do before getting married even in a great relationship. You should neither abruptly nuke the relationship or not confront the anxiety you feel; try to see if a professional can help you two, and only if not should you walk away.
Companionate marriages are definitely a thing, and you don’t have to be head over heels for someone to be a good partner. However, there are a few things that you absolutely must clear up before the wedding in that case:
Honesty. He needs to know, outright, that he’s the “secure” choice. That will hurt his pride, of course, but it’s not necessarily a dealbreaker.
What happens if you find someone else you ARE interested in? What’s going to be the plan if you get butterflies for another while your husband is at home waiting for you? Will you be able to turn down real attraction and go back to companionship?
Yes. But I cannot tell you how often or how strong that regret will be.