I’ve never post on Reddit before so I apologize for any rambling and will clarify any questions
I (36F) and my husband (38M) moved from Michigan to California in 2024 with our kids (16F, 13F, 6M). The move happened in just six weeks due to his new job. Both families were surprised but supportive on the surface. At Christmas, we offered to fly my in-laws (ILs) out for spring break to visit and see the sights.
March 7 – The day before they arrived, I found out my estranged mother had died by suicide around Thanksgiving. I was devastated but didn’t want to ruin my kids’ break. I told my MIL directly.
March 8–9 – From the moment I picked them up in the rental car, they loudly criticized my driving. The next day (my birthday), we went to Santa Cruz and “The Mystery Spot.” They complained about traffic, said the attraction looked “stupid,” and barely engaged with anyone but each other. My kids still had fun, but the vibe was tense.
March 10 – We drove to San Francisco for Alcatraz, something my kids had wanted for weeks. ILs complained about the traffic, the idea of visiting a prison, and whether it was “safe for kids.” On the island, they made sarcastic remarks like “make sure we get our money’s worth” but eventually admitted it was “sort of cool.”
March 11 – We planned a hike, but MIL kept acting surprised we “were hiking people.” To keep the peace, we switched to an easier hike, which got an eye-roll, then finally changed plans to an outlet mall. At the mall, they complained about “not recognizing California stores” and ignored my kids while on their phones. Later, FIL ran with our dog, causing him to limp. We told everyone to leave the dog alone.
March 12 – My husband left early for work. I found FIL pulling on my dog’s injured leg, making him whine. I stepped in and repeated not to touch him. That afternoon at a small zoo, the passive-aggressive comments continued. When my husband came home, FIL bragged about checking the dog anyway. My husband called him out, and FIL reluctantly admitted it. MIL silently watched, then stormed off.
Later, MIL came into our bedroom saying they were leaving because we’d been “mean and disrespectful” to FIL. She refused to explain, asked if we wanted them to say goodbye to the kids, and began packing. FIL told the kids “it wasn’t his decision” and that he loved them. They left at 8:30 p.m., MIL blocked us and the kids on phone and social media, and they’ve never spoken about it to anyone back in Michigan—just told people they “had a nice time.”
Months later, MIL started mailing birthday cards and checks to the kids. Given that she cut contact and hurt them deeply, WIBTAH if I mailed them back?
Edit: I appreciate the comments, both for and against myself, I was hoping for a varied perspective honestly. I’m going to let my husband handle the situation and relationship between our family and his parents and just remove myself from the equation. Thank you to all who commented.
Comments
You’re a parent to teenagers how do you not know how to answer this on your own
Talk with husband first.
Let him handle it.
Would probably just ignore them.
No, NTA to mail them back. But I’d check with your husband and see how he feels about that.
I’ve done the same thing (sent back gifts in situations with people who were not emotionally safe for my kids, and who had expectations that the gift would ingratiate them.)
I guess it boils down to, what protects your kids most? MIL is a full adult and responsible for her own feelings. She isn’t a consideration in your decision making process, as she’s removed herself from that circle.
Your kids are your priority, so no, if you mail those back to protect your kids from further pain, NTA.
But your older ones may want to make the decision for themselves, and the younger ones may feel upset you made it without them.
Painful as it is, openly discussing what they prefer may also be helpful for your kids. They can process their feelings, and have autonomy in how they respond to MILs behavior.
So if mailing them back, I’d include the kids in that discussion. Maybe hold on to 6yo’s and have that discussion when they’re old enough to weigh in.
> Months later, MIL started mailing birthday cards and checks to the kids. Given that she cut contact and hurt them deeply, WIBTAH if I mailed them back?
You would be an AH. What is your goal? Are you striving for an ESH situation, or for making things better in some way?
I would let your husband handle it. His family, his responsibility.
Do not mail them back. Those cards and checks are for their grandchildren, not for you. Talk to your husband first. I would suggest he ask your kids how they feel.
The in-laws haven’t been badmouthing you back home. As long as there is nothing objectionable in the cards, like letters where they badmouth you to your kids, then let the kids have their communication with the grandparents back. Yes, the family was upset, but the in-laws went home, everyone has cooled down, they eventually got over it. If your kids are not upset and they don’t want to reject the cards and checks, you should stay out of it.
Look, you had a bad couple of days with your in-laws in your home. It happens. Your husband went to work a lot of the time and left you to deal. Forgive yourself and forgive all of them. Put it in the rear view mirror. Hosting people from out of town is hard under the best of circumstances, especially family. Knowing where to take them so that they will be happy is sometimes an impossible task. You tried and it didn’t work. It is not your fault. They were not going to be comfortable in CA no matter what you did.
Your husband should tell the kids honestly that sometimes even grown ups get upset, but that blocking everyone is not the right response. Sometimes people, including grandma and grandpa, will sometimes withdraw when they don’t know what else to do. They’ll figure it out.
NTA. Send them back with a polite note that they can shove them up their ass.
Yes, you would if you send the cards back. If you simply did not ever acknowledge receiving them would be more in line with how they behaved, don’t you think? Maybe not cashing the checks would also send a silent message. It will surely inspire them to call thinking the cards got lost in the mail and when that phone call happens you can tell them that you have no interest in receiving gifts from people that have such little appreciation for family that hosts them and people that seem to think that they can treat you any way they want and not be held accountable. Tell them that they are the ones to go silent and birthday cards do not fix anything so, you do not accept them as a faux apology, if that is what they were trying to do. You could also tell them that sweeping things under the rug as if they never happened cannot be band-aided with a birthday card and a few bucks. Ask them how much money would it take for them to have a better attitude and see what their price is. By asking them questions you can force them to take accountability much better than by making statements that they can try to defend, argue and deflect.
Give the money to your kids.
There seem to be huge pieces missing here. What happened? You really have NO idea why your IL suddenly started acting like this? Or were they always like this?
Get to the heart of the issue and then maybe we can help.
If they sent money I’d just set up accounts for the kids and save it for their college or after high school plans
I personally would cut contact with them from me but not necessarily the kids especially since your kids are older it is going to be more their choice what relationship they have with their relatives
Take the money, dump the cards.
So like. Did you ask them what they wanted to do on their vacation at any point?
Mail it back and don’t let them visit again. Personally I’d block them both and let husband deal with them but I’ll be damned if I go out of my way for them to just be disrespectful. NTA but let husband know you’re dropping the rope with them and won’t have them stay with you again
The cards are for the kids. The kids are old enough that they should be given the opportunities to decide what they want to do. At least the older two. I would probably tell the older two exactly what happened. But I’m the belief, keep the checks and put in savings for the kids.
Yes you would be. Let your husband handle his parents.
NTA, you’re their mother. If your husband isnt willing to keep them safe then you do it.
Might want to cash the checks and set up savings though.
This is your husband’s issue.
Keep the checks. They’re for the kids anyway. Husband needs to handle his family. Things will get even worse if you handle this without him.
What good comes from returning the cards? You don’t have to give them to the kids but sending them back will just feed into the drama.
I would let the two older children decide how they want to handle it.
Ywbtah.
They’re remembering the grandkids. Have the kids write thank you notes. Nothing is worse than kids not acknowledging a gift from the grandparents.
And that’s it. Don’t be a worse person.
NTA One hundred percent would have mailed the cards back. You need to protect your children and their boundaries as they are kids and thats your job. No clue why everyone is saying its between the kids and in laws or dad and parents. They must be protected from these toxic vile people that do not have the privilege of being called grandparents. And the animal abuse? On what planet?! You and your children are under no obligation to speak to these people again. Your husband has the unfortunate task of dealing with his parents, never you or your kids.
Cash them and don’t acknowledge it.
Really depends on WHY you want to send them back. Set a boundary about contact? Make a point to them about their behavior? Punish them for their choices? Etc…? Only you can truly know your intended effect.
But here’s the thing, it’s unlikely that they are going to come around to ever understand their behavior on the context of what is healthy/unhealthy for their relationships with your kids, no matter what you do. Choose your battles wisely.
What were your IL’s like before the trip? Perhaps they were offended that you did t invite them out for Christmas?
My 2-cents is: Don’t send them back. Have the kids write thank you notes.
We went through this with my MIL and it sucked but in the end I’m glad that we forgave her. She was incredibly insecure and unhappy, so she would reject people before they could reject her. She really only liked people she gave birth to and not all the time. She walked out on Thanksgiving before dinner because she didn’t want to share the day with my family.
I didn’t get involved but my husband and his younger brother went over to her house the next day and read her the riot act. That led to about two years of estrangement.
And then out of the blue she called and asked to bring a birthday present to our oldest and to finally meet her grandson. And we moved on. She was never comfortable around other people but she was polite. She could be a pain but also adored our kids and was very generous with them.
Sadly she passed away a few years later after a recurrence of breast cancer. She was a sad, bitter woman to the end but we chose to accept her as she was. I hope she’s at peace now.
So, let your husband handle it. This is their attempt to reach out. You may never have a super close relationship but if you can accept them as they are then it’s okay. And if you can’t then that’s okay too, but it’s on all of you.
Edited: I cannot spell.
Send it back
Husband’s family, give to him to handle. Tell him your thoughts, and then listen to his. He knows how awful his parents were when they visited and that they would never be invited again.
INFO: If they hadn’t sent the birthday cards, if they just ignored the birthdays, you’d be upset about that too, right?
Your husband needs to take care of this.
Yes, send the cards back.