That I shouldn’t trust men who think I’m different than everyone else and/or that they are different from everyone else. It’s a really subtle combination of isolation and pedestal putting/love bombing. No man who’s ever said something like that to me has had my best interests at heart.
Don’t wait for the ring. If he isn’t 100% enthusiastic about marrying you all on his own, then he doesn’t want to marry you.
I’ve seen too many friends have their fertile years wasted waiting on a ring from men who refused to commit. Some of them missed the chance to have biological children because of it.
Oh and 9/10 times, he marries the next girl he dates after you break up.
That great guy that he was at the beginning of the relationship isn’t coming back. The asshole he is now is who he actually is. Who he always was. Don’t wait around hoping that he’ll turn back into the guy he was pretending to be.
Do less, love more – do less things for them, let them lead, sort out situations, fix things and instead focus more on taking care of yourself so you can feel genuinely happy and loving, to give them physical touch, words of encouragement, compliments, etc.
The moment you start solving their problems for them you’ve lost them. You have officially become their mother and/or the man of the relationship.
Most of them are conditioned by porn at best and addicted to it at worst, and they’re capable of hiding how much they use ir for years.
Also, the stamina they have to keep up the act of being a better person than they really are—until they feel they have you locked in with marriage or kids. The shift in their personality once they think they’ve secured you can be truly shocking.
That society has brainwashed us into believing that our lives at the very least or our very selves are worthless if a man doesn’t choose us. That we should all decenter men. That I wasted too much of my precious time on this wonderful planet on dead-weight, lying, emotionally stunted toddlers in adult meat suits.
That men leave the first time they feel disrespected irrespective of the length of the relationship. They may physically leave, emotionally leave, mentally leave (for men who don’t take divorces). Women, on the other hand, endure disrespects for various reasons, length of relationship, child, families, society etc until she starts to lose herself and only leaves if she has lost herself.
At 40, I have learned that with men, you are going to need to be able to have the backbone and the communications skills to speak extremely clearly and directly about whatever it is you want from them.
Whether it’s your husband running to the store to get specific brand of coffee creamer for you, something from a sex partner in bed, something from a male colleague at work, or some kind of intimacy or emotional consideration you’re wanting from a romantic partner, men need very clearly communicated expectations.
A man is never going to be able to anticipate and deliver on whatever it is we want (even if they should!) they just don’t have the skillset. Save yourself the stress or disappointment of consistently unmet expectations and save everybody’s time by getting comfortable and good at voicing whatever it is you need/want from men.
I am the standard, I don’t have to settle for less. I kept dating dumb guys, guys that weren’t going anywhere, guys that couldn’t take care of themselves. I dated guys that lied or weren’t truly good people. I dated guys that were unkind. Essentially, I picked guys that were hot and showed me attention, but if they were women, I wouldn’t have kept them around as a friend. That changed dramatically when I started looking for a good friend – someone kind, funny, available, loyal, trusting, trustworthy, someone I could go out to Target with and we could goof off for a few hours, grab coffee and lunch, when all we needed was hand soap.
From personal experience and observation from others. Actions speak a lot louder than words. Don’t waste your life on someone who refuses to change for the better. Communication and honesty is the key
If you think he is not putting 100% into a relationship with you then he is not and he will put that effort with someone else and you should leave and be with someone who will put all the effort
If he does something that bothers you, and you’ve told him, but he keeps doing it, do not ignore this. Happens once — a mistake; twice — a slip-up; three times — a pattern. At that point, he’s not listening to you or respecting you. It might start with something small like you asking him to put his socks in the laundry basket instead of leaving them on the floor, but will definitely escalate into something bigger and bigger.
They will never understand the level of institutional sexism that exists and prevails today. They will group themselves in the “not all men” category, meanwhile when surrounded by other men, participate in/perpetuate sexism and dehumanizing women
No but seriously. A lot of them are only where they are now thanks to patriarchy and privilege. It’s why sooooo many are so entitled when they are no longer treated like kings lol
The way he treats you in the beginning in the best he’ll ever treat you. LISTEN TO YOURSELF – don’t let anyone tell you you’re paranoid, untrusting, sensitive. YOU are the expert on you, and YOU get to decide what you will and will not accept.
There are no wrong answers, because it’s YOUR life! If a man gives you any bad feelings, just leave. Just go.
Others have said this, and it’s true: when people tell or show you who they are, believe them!
Have conversations up front about your intentions regarding marriage and children, even if you’re not ready for them yet. Do this before you get into a relationship with a man and be clear about your timeline if you have one.
Many are jealous of women on a deep primal level. Jealousy is just not something we’re socialized to believe can be from a man to his gf or wife but once you notice it you will never not see it when you see it. That man who loves to make fun of his wife to people constantly trying to humble her etc is jealous of her like crazy. Jealous people are dangerous btw.
Always put yourself first. Never lose yourself in a man, it’s hard to dig yourself out of that hole. And the first sign of disrespect needs to be immediately taken care of or you need to leave.
Trust your instincts. If you see a pattern of behaviour and it’s all starting to add up into a conclusion that disappoints you, believe that. Don’t lie to yourself just to keep him around.
I wish I’d known that men who don’t take initiative aren’t attractive in the long run. I used to pride myself on not having a salary or job requirement for my guy — I just wanted him to be a down-to-earth, decent guy. And while those things are important, ambition and initiative are too. I used to let that go by the wayside and dated too many nice guys who were always passengers in the car I was driving. This isn’t to say that men who make more money are more ambitious — I’ve met high school teachers who take initiative in their lives way more than some stock brokers. It’s just to say that the “nice guy” who makes you do all of the house planning, career mapping, childrearing, etc. will eventually become unattractive to you.
Men who are passionate about the things they do in life and who take an equal part in planning your future as a couple are wayyyy more attractive than the guys who need you to project manage their whole life. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” is the worst relationship motto known to man. You may love that he’s a nice, attractive guy, but if he can’t pull his mental weight in the relationship, you’ll grow to resent him and your attraction to him will lessen.
Yes he is doing it on purpose and doesn’t care about the health of your emotional well being. He wants that bad reaction out of you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for your boundaries and sticking to them, even if it means walking away.
It’s the nativity lack of experience they are pursuing you on and “attracted” to. Flattery can be deceptive.
If you have unusual needs or wants, the do communicate them clearly. However for the basics required for a relationship, like respect, empathy, effort (men in love will naturally make all sorts of effort, even if the form of effort varies man to man), consideration – and consistency with these things, should never be something you have to ask for. If you have to continually speak up for something basic, only for him to show no effort (words & promises do not count, only actions), he’s not ready for a relationship and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Even if he makes the most wonderful efforts for things you don’t ask for, like, for example, constantly getting you flowers, but keeps ignoring your clear requests for efforts that would be far more meaningful in terms of sustaining your relationship and life together, you’re unfortunately not in a relationship that will last. Don’t let a man you love teach you that someone can love you yet still ignore what’s deeply important to you – it’s a very hard lesson to unlearn.
If they’re relatively young and healthy yet have ED, the odds are very high that they have a porn addiction that can make it impossible for him to have a real sex life. I know SSRIs, Covid, stress, & hormones can also cause that, of course, but porn addiction-caused ED is extremely common, and so many women have suffered very greatly trying to stay with men like this. I recommend not bothering, unless you really don’t care about having sex/good sex in your relationship. Any type of addict, unless they’ve truly recovered, is not up for a relationship. Men like this may also be more likely to be violent in bed without consent – and it’s important to know that if a man ever strangles you, even under the guise of it being a sexual thing (when you haven’t asked for this) – your risk of being killed by him is dangerously high, no matter how sweet he may seem otherwise.
Not to stay longer than you should out of loyalty, whether relationships or family. If they don’t care about the negative effect they are having on you, or are trying to control/subtly manipulate you, walk away sooner rather than later.
More or less a conglomerate or the sum of most of these answers: if he wanted he would, if he’s truly interested it will never be confusing or complicated.
Never, fall in love with potential. Never believe in the potential. Never sacrifice for the potential. That potential will probably never materialize. I wasted one year, but….its better than wasting 10 or 30
The sheer quantity of food they can eat. When I was single I could cook once a week and have food for the entire week. Since moving in with my husband, we have to cook tons of food multiple times a week. It’s a neutral fact, but something that really took me by surprise and I wish I’d been mentally prepared for how often we’d have the “what should we do for dinner” conversation!
They tell you who they are early on. A lot of them absolutely do not respect women, and this perspective reveals itself in multiple ways: dismissing your opinion, lack of hygiene, using terms like “nagging” and “shrill” and “bossy” to describe you standing up for yourself. The one who think you lose all sense of rationality if you cry are boneheads.
You will never, I repeat, NEVER, regret dumping that boyfriend who just isn’t working out anymore. I think this is important for young women who are learning, growing and knowing yourselves as you get older. If that boyfriend you grew up with , spent your youth with, have friends with, memories with, just isnt working out or you want to spread your wings – END it. Trust me you wont ever regret it. When you get older you will only regret not doing it sooner.
They really would rather take advice from a stranger on the internet than a woman in their real life. Even my husband who has oh so many great and kind and generous traits. Now a days if I’m trying to prove a point I find a video of a stranger saying it to send to him it saves time.
– If he likes you, you’ll know it. If he’s playing games with you, you’ll be wondering if he does or not.
– Actions and words have to match up, if they don’t you’re probably being manipulated.
– When he tells you who he is in any way (directly or indirectly), believe him.
– If he’s genuinely caring and attentive outside of the bedroom, he’ll be caring and attentive in bed, too.
– If he doesn’t go down on you or ask what you like, he doesn’t care about your pleasure.
These seem pretty basic, now, but damn I learned all of these the hard way.
They will literally show you who they are if you pay attention. Follow insta girls, eye up other women while you’re with them, not prioritize you, say things like I’m sorry BUT, say you’re too good for them… Watch and listen and believe your eyes and ears.
Let their actions speak for them. The rest is bullshit.
Stop trying to decode his behaviour. Stop pathologising. Stop taking it personally.
Is he traumatised?
Did mummy not love him enough?
Is he avoidant or not in to me?
Is it something I did?
Is there something I could do or change to make him finally want me/love me/behave better/stop hurting me/communicate?
NONE OF IT MATTERS.
If he was ready/capable of self reflection, emotional maturity, emotional intelligence…he’d already be working on himself and aware of how he is or isn’t showing up. You’re not responsible for him, his issues or his behaviours.
Until he’s ready to show up, leave him alone. Don’t waste your life begging for someone to love you properly. You won’t ever get that time back.
Work on yourself, your self worth and your self-esteem. The right partner will meet you where you are.
Weaponized incompetence is very much a thing and 9 times out of 10 a “nagging” woman is a result of a terrible male partner. (Not always of course, sometimes a mismatch and sometimes the woman sucks)
Also, all men are socialized into patriarchy and a misogynistic society so even kind and loving men will sometimes have trouble getting it. Pick someone that wants to get it and has done the work so you don’t have to educate them. Don’t gaslight yourself though if you want more from your male partner because chances are it’s fair of you and the only reason you’re hesitating is patriarchy. A good partner will care about your needs when you explain them
Relationships are work but it’s work you want to be doing.
Be with a man who admits when he’s wrong. Who apologises. Who validates how you feel and listens to you, respects you and worships the ground you walk on.
A man who is really interested in you won’t keep you guessing. A man around whom you’re nervous and uncertain (ie. butterflies) is not as good as a man who makes you feel safe and cherished and calm. If you can’t speak your mind, be seen without make-up or in general just be your true self around him, he’s probably not for you.
Not so much men in general, as they’re not a monolithic group, so as far as relationships..
When you meet someone, a truly great match will get better over time. You will grow together, pull in the same direction, and your love will be stronger. The best version of them should be right now.
A bad match? The first dates and beginning of the relationship will be the high point. It will only get worse from there.
Every man is a different person, and many people can be a bad match without being bad people.
Also never date someone who earns less or has a lower lifestyle.. they become jealous and could try to stop you from succeeding or at least try to bring you down.
Age does not equal maturity and neither does the amount of “work” they claim to have done on themselves until they are placed in a situation with a new partner. A lot of them tend to view themselves in a very different light from how they actually are (behavior, demeanor, etc) and overestimate their abilities in order to sell themselves to women. Only his actions will show what kind of man he really is.
Decenter men! Society conditions women to see marriage as an accomplishment and so many women neglect other areas of their lives (friendships, hobbies, careers, etc) to center their male partners at the expense of their personal mental/financial wellbeing and happiness, only to realize that their male partners never neglected those things and see their female partners as a part of their life but not their whole life.
It’s not as often said, but… Watch out for men who repeatedly psychoanalyze you. Being analyzed can be intriguing as it feels like attention, but it can be a very subtle form of emotional control.
You’re so impressionable when you’re young and oftentimes, when someone TELLS you what/how you are, you’ll believe them and internalize those traits.
My ex of four years often did this and in the moment, it felt like he was trying to “care” for me. He would often talk about my anxiety and where he thinks it originated from. Two years post breakup, I’ve realized he was TELLING me how anxious I was and I ate it up. It was his way of making me feel like I needed him. I’m pretty shaken up by the realization tbh
So, yeah. If your man is constantly psychoanalyzing you and it starts to feel off, listen to your gut.
I wish I understood in my younger years that the whole thing toxic men say about The Wall/sad older single woman tropes is actually projection of what those men fear will happen to them. Men don’t stop talking to women the day we turn 30…or 40, 50, 60+. Men are still very much attracted to and interested in women of all ages, at all times. I remember foolishly thinking male attention would actually end in my 30s, and now I’d just like it to stop in my 40s.
And it isn’t only about sex -women are valuable partners. We bear children for men, usually provide a second income, and statistically do most of the household labor and child rearing. Women as romantic partners provide consistent access to sex that men often find difficult to get when they’re single. As romantic partners, we often act as therapists, as well. When you think about all that society expects of women vs men in a marriage, who would want a husband instead of a wife?
I say this as a straight woman who’s married to a man and is extremely attracted to men, but men objectively suck by many metrics when compared to women, and they know this about themselves.
If he shows nastiness, however small, in any moment then he has the capacity to be a nasty person. That’s something that won’t ever change. He might get good at hiding it for periods of time but it’s a part of who he is.
Comments
You can’t fix them, they need therapy.
If a man shows you who he is, believe his actions over his words. Don’t ever hope to change a man or stay for potential.
None of them are over their exes 🫠
If he says you’re too good for him, he’s right, believe him.
Hypocrisy isn’t a crime when they commit it. They are more than fine by being a hypocrite
The first thing that you find annoying will always annoy you.
Even if they work on it and improve some… it will never completely go away.
Decide what you can put up with.
Not my learned lesson but my lesson that I hold dear: you will never enjoy anything you beg for
That I shouldn’t trust men who think I’m different than everyone else and/or that they are different from everyone else. It’s a really subtle combination of isolation and pedestal putting/love bombing. No man who’s ever said something like that to me has had my best interests at heart.
Many are emotionally and mentally underdeveloped. Don’t waste your time trying to help or teach them…. move on.
A lot of men really just want a mommy.
THEY LIE
Don’t wait for the ring. If he isn’t 100% enthusiastic about marrying you all on his own, then he doesn’t want to marry you.
I’ve seen too many friends have their fertile years wasted waiting on a ring from men who refused to commit. Some of them missed the chance to have biological children because of it.
Oh and 9/10 times, he marries the next girl he dates after you break up.
That great guy that he was at the beginning of the relationship isn’t coming back. The asshole he is now is who he actually is. Who he always was. Don’t wait around hoping that he’ll turn back into the guy he was pretending to be.
If you want something, you must tell them. Do not drop hints, subtlety is lost on them and they need to be told.
Emotions and needs that you beg for are of no value because they are insincere…
Most were raised in a way that ignored their emotional health/wellbeing and it shows.
Do less, love more – do less things for them, let them lead, sort out situations, fix things and instead focus more on taking care of yourself so you can feel genuinely happy and loving, to give them physical touch, words of encouragement, compliments, etc.
The moment you start solving their problems for them you’ve lost them. You have officially become their mother and/or the man of the relationship.
Be their muse, not their mother.
Many of them want and desire feminine energy but are homosocial and generally only respect men.
If your energy feels drained by a man, that is not a man you need in your life.
Most of them are conditioned by porn at best and addicted to it at worst, and they’re capable of hiding how much they use ir for years.
Also, the stamina they have to keep up the act of being a better person than they really are—until they feel they have you locked in with marriage or kids. The shift in their personality once they think they’ve secured you can be truly shocking.
That society has brainwashed us into believing that our lives at the very least or our very selves are worthless if a man doesn’t choose us. That we should all decenter men. That I wasted too much of my precious time on this wonderful planet on dead-weight, lying, emotionally stunted toddlers in adult meat suits.
Their insecurity can kill.
That men leave the first time they feel disrespected irrespective of the length of the relationship. They may physically leave, emotionally leave, mentally leave (for men who don’t take divorces). Women, on the other hand, endure disrespects for various reasons, length of relationship, child, families, society etc until she starts to lose herself and only leaves if she has lost herself.
Stop auditioning. Don’t initiate, only reciprocate efforts.
Choose wisely because a man can ruin your whole fucking life by not meeting your standards if you allow it.
At 40, I have learned that with men, you are going to need to be able to have the backbone and the communications skills to speak extremely clearly and directly about whatever it is you want from them.
Whether it’s your husband running to the store to get specific brand of coffee creamer for you, something from a sex partner in bed, something from a male colleague at work, or some kind of intimacy or emotional consideration you’re wanting from a romantic partner, men need very clearly communicated expectations.
A man is never going to be able to anticipate and deliver on whatever it is we want (even if they should!) they just don’t have the skillset. Save yourself the stress or disappointment of consistently unmet expectations and save everybody’s time by getting comfortable and good at voicing whatever it is you need/want from men.
Before you legally tie yourself to a man, run his credit. It will tell you quite a bit about what kind of person he is
Also, of alllllll his exes are crazy, it’s not them, it’s him.
Men should come to you house trained and with batteries included.
It is not up to you to teach and encourage him into becoming a man who will respect and support you.
They’ll say anything and everything just to get laid.
I am the standard, I don’t have to settle for less. I kept dating dumb guys, guys that weren’t going anywhere, guys that couldn’t take care of themselves. I dated guys that lied or weren’t truly good people. I dated guys that were unkind. Essentially, I picked guys that were hot and showed me attention, but if they were women, I wouldn’t have kept them around as a friend. That changed dramatically when I started looking for a good friend – someone kind, funny, available, loyal, trusting, trustworthy, someone I could go out to Target with and we could goof off for a few hours, grab coffee and lunch, when all we needed was hand soap.
They are never worth prioritizing over yourself and your goals.
If he’s a cheater, he’ll always be a cheater
A man that WANTS to show up for you, commit to you, be with you, WILL. If you have to ask for those things, he’s not the right guy.
From personal experience and observation from others. Actions speak a lot louder than words. Don’t waste your life on someone who refuses to change for the better. Communication and honesty is the key
If you think he is not putting 100% into a relationship with you then he is not and he will put that effort with someone else and you should leave and be with someone who will put all the effort
If he does something that bothers you, and you’ve told him, but he keeps doing it, do not ignore this. Happens once — a mistake; twice — a slip-up; three times — a pattern. At that point, he’s not listening to you or respecting you. It might start with something small like you asking him to put his socks in the laundry basket instead of leaving them on the floor, but will definitely escalate into something bigger and bigger.
They will never understand the level of institutional sexism that exists and prevails today. They will group themselves in the “not all men” category, meanwhile when surrounded by other men, participate in/perpetuate sexism and dehumanizing women
Men ain’t shit lmao
No but seriously. A lot of them are only where they are now thanks to patriarchy and privilege. It’s why sooooo many are so entitled when they are no longer treated like kings lol
The way he treats you in the beginning in the best he’ll ever treat you. LISTEN TO YOURSELF – don’t let anyone tell you you’re paranoid, untrusting, sensitive. YOU are the expert on you, and YOU get to decide what you will and will not accept.
There are no wrong answers, because it’s YOUR life! If a man gives you any bad feelings, just leave. Just go.
Others have said this, and it’s true: when people tell or show you who they are, believe them!
Variations of:
“you’re too good for me”
“I’m broken”
“I don’t know if I can really love”
Run!
They are very much less likely to figure you out, than you are to figure them out.
Women are smarter. Emotional intelligence is a force not to be reckoned with.
And they don’t have it as much as women.
JUST my opinion.
A lot of them are secretly bi sexual or at least bi curious.
Have conversations up front about your intentions regarding marriage and children, even if you’re not ready for them yet. Do this before you get into a relationship with a man and be clear about your timeline if you have one.
Many are jealous of women on a deep primal level. Jealousy is just not something we’re socialized to believe can be from a man to his gf or wife but once you notice it you will never not see it when you see it. That man who loves to make fun of his wife to people constantly trying to humble her etc is jealous of her like crazy. Jealous people are dangerous btw.
I’m a 31F. Most men are not worth your time or emotional energy. It’s fine to invest more into yourself and independence
Always put yourself first. Never lose yourself in a man, it’s hard to dig yourself out of that hole. And the first sign of disrespect needs to be immediately taken care of or you need to leave.
“potential goes both ways.”
Don’t ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want to be with you.
Trust your instincts. If you see a pattern of behaviour and it’s all starting to add up into a conclusion that disappoints you, believe that. Don’t lie to yourself just to keep him around.
I wish I’d known that men who don’t take initiative aren’t attractive in the long run. I used to pride myself on not having a salary or job requirement for my guy — I just wanted him to be a down-to-earth, decent guy. And while those things are important, ambition and initiative are too. I used to let that go by the wayside and dated too many nice guys who were always passengers in the car I was driving. This isn’t to say that men who make more money are more ambitious — I’ve met high school teachers who take initiative in their lives way more than some stock brokers. It’s just to say that the “nice guy” who makes you do all of the house planning, career mapping, childrearing, etc. will eventually become unattractive to you.
Men who are passionate about the things they do in life and who take an equal part in planning your future as a couple are wayyyy more attractive than the guys who need you to project manage their whole life. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” is the worst relationship motto known to man. You may love that he’s a nice, attractive guy, but if he can’t pull his mental weight in the relationship, you’ll grow to resent him and your attraction to him will lessen.
Yes he is doing it on purpose and doesn’t care about the health of your emotional well being. He wants that bad reaction out of you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for your boundaries and sticking to them, even if it means walking away.
It’s the nativity lack of experience they are pursuing you on and “attracted” to. Flattery can be deceptive.
If you have unusual needs or wants, the do communicate them clearly. However for the basics required for a relationship, like respect, empathy, effort (men in love will naturally make all sorts of effort, even if the form of effort varies man to man), consideration – and consistency with these things, should never be something you have to ask for. If you have to continually speak up for something basic, only for him to show no effort (words & promises do not count, only actions), he’s not ready for a relationship and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Even if he makes the most wonderful efforts for things you don’t ask for, like, for example, constantly getting you flowers, but keeps ignoring your clear requests for efforts that would be far more meaningful in terms of sustaining your relationship and life together, you’re unfortunately not in a relationship that will last. Don’t let a man you love teach you that someone can love you yet still ignore what’s deeply important to you – it’s a very hard lesson to unlearn.
If they’re relatively young and healthy yet have ED, the odds are very high that they have a porn addiction that can make it impossible for him to have a real sex life. I know SSRIs, Covid, stress, & hormones can also cause that, of course, but porn addiction-caused ED is extremely common, and so many women have suffered very greatly trying to stay with men like this. I recommend not bothering, unless you really don’t care about having sex/good sex in your relationship. Any type of addict, unless they’ve truly recovered, is not up for a relationship. Men like this may also be more likely to be violent in bed without consent – and it’s important to know that if a man ever strangles you, even under the guise of it being a sexual thing (when you haven’t asked for this) – your risk of being killed by him is dangerously high, no matter how sweet he may seem otherwise.
For the most part, they don’t notice the things you’re insecure about during sex, they’re just happy to be there.
Not to stay longer than you should out of loyalty, whether relationships or family. If they don’t care about the negative effect they are having on you, or are trying to control/subtly manipulate you, walk away sooner rather than later.
More or less a conglomerate or the sum of most of these answers: if he wanted he would, if he’s truly interested it will never be confusing or complicated.
Never, fall in love with potential. Never believe in the potential. Never sacrifice for the potential. That potential will probably never materialize. I wasted one year, but….its better than wasting 10 or 30
The sheer quantity of food they can eat. When I was single I could cook once a week and have food for the entire week. Since moving in with my husband, we have to cook tons of food multiple times a week. It’s a neutral fact, but something that really took me by surprise and I wish I’d been mentally prepared for how often we’d have the “what should we do for dinner” conversation!
If he says he loves you because you’re not like other girls, watch out: it means he doesn’t like girls, and eventually he’ll figure out you are one.
They tell you who they are early on. A lot of them absolutely do not respect women, and this perspective reveals itself in multiple ways: dismissing your opinion, lack of hygiene, using terms like “nagging” and “shrill” and “bossy” to describe you standing up for yourself. The one who think you lose all sense of rationality if you cry are boneheads.
You will never, I repeat, NEVER, regret dumping that boyfriend who just isn’t working out anymore. I think this is important for young women who are learning, growing and knowing yourselves as you get older. If that boyfriend you grew up with , spent your youth with, have friends with, memories with, just isnt working out or you want to spread your wings – END it. Trust me you wont ever regret it. When you get older you will only regret not doing it sooner.
The man he is at the end of the relationship is exactly who he really is.
They really would rather take advice from a stranger on the internet than a woman in their real life. Even my husband who has oh so many great and kind and generous traits. Now a days if I’m trying to prove a point I find a video of a stranger saying it to send to him it saves time.
– If he likes you, you’ll know it. If he’s playing games with you, you’ll be wondering if he does or not.
– Actions and words have to match up, if they don’t you’re probably being manipulated.
– When he tells you who he is in any way (directly or indirectly), believe him.
– If he’s genuinely caring and attentive outside of the bedroom, he’ll be caring and attentive in bed, too.
– If he doesn’t go down on you or ask what you like, he doesn’t care about your pleasure.
These seem pretty basic, now, but damn I learned all of these the hard way.
Giving men the benefit of the doubt has never ever benefitted me.
They will literally show you who they are if you pay attention. Follow insta girls, eye up other women while you’re with them, not prioritize you, say things like I’m sorry BUT, say you’re too good for them… Watch and listen and believe your eyes and ears.
If you feel like you’re competing with him, he’s not your teammate.
If you feel like you’re competing for him, he’s not yours.
Stay away from the older ones when you’re young. Just do it.
If a guy loves & wants to be with you, he will be there. And you will not misunderstand his intentions.
Be more selfish. They always are, naturally. It’s only fair .
Don’t ignore red flags in the beginning of a relationship or stay because of the time sunk fallacy.
Let their actions speak for them. The rest is bullshit.
Stop trying to decode his behaviour. Stop pathologising. Stop taking it personally.
Is he traumatised?
Did mummy not love him enough?
Is he avoidant or not in to me?
Is it something I did?
Is there something I could do or change to make him finally want me/love me/behave better/stop hurting me/communicate?
NONE OF IT MATTERS.
If he was ready/capable of self reflection, emotional maturity, emotional intelligence…he’d already be working on himself and aware of how he is or isn’t showing up. You’re not responsible for him, his issues or his behaviours.
Until he’s ready to show up, leave him alone. Don’t waste your life begging for someone to love you properly. You won’t ever get that time back.
Work on yourself, your self worth and your self-esteem. The right partner will meet you where you are.
Every man is different. A truly romantic, healthy man are few in the many.
That they often don’t know what they’re talking about. Men have a tendency to say things with 100% confidence even when they’re wrong 🥴
Weaponized incompetence is very much a thing and 9 times out of 10 a “nagging” woman is a result of a terrible male partner. (Not always of course, sometimes a mismatch and sometimes the woman sucks)
Also, all men are socialized into patriarchy and a misogynistic society so even kind and loving men will sometimes have trouble getting it. Pick someone that wants to get it and has done the work so you don’t have to educate them. Don’t gaslight yourself though if you want more from your male partner because chances are it’s fair of you and the only reason you’re hesitating is patriarchy. A good partner will care about your needs when you explain them
Relationships are work but it’s work you want to be doing.
They REALLY don’t think the same way we do
Be with a man who admits when he’s wrong. Who apologises. Who validates how you feel and listens to you, respects you and worships the ground you walk on.
That all the things that make you feel insecure as a woman are not really that important and you are way hotter than you give yourself credit.
A man who is really interested in you won’t keep you guessing. A man around whom you’re nervous and uncertain (ie. butterflies) is not as good as a man who makes you feel safe and cherished and calm. If you can’t speak your mind, be seen without make-up or in general just be your true self around him, he’s probably not for you.
Not so much men in general, as they’re not a monolithic group, so as far as relationships..
When you meet someone, a truly great match will get better over time. You will grow together, pull in the same direction, and your love will be stronger. The best version of them should be right now.
A bad match? The first dates and beginning of the relationship will be the high point. It will only get worse from there.
Every man is a different person, and many people can be a bad match without being bad people.
Prioritize being loved over loving.
Be kind and nice, yes. But ALWAYS have the upperhand.
Also never date someone who earns less or has a lower lifestyle.. they become jealous and could try to stop you from succeeding or at least try to bring you down.
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no
It’s rare to find a man who has been held accountable for his actions. Act accordingly.
Do not help them.
Age does not equal maturity and neither does the amount of “work” they claim to have done on themselves until they are placed in a situation with a new partner. A lot of them tend to view themselves in a very different light from how they actually are (behavior, demeanor, etc) and overestimate their abilities in order to sell themselves to women. Only his actions will show what kind of man he really is.
that life gets much better when you simply decenter them, and that it’s easier to do than you think.
Decenter men! Society conditions women to see marriage as an accomplishment and so many women neglect other areas of their lives (friendships, hobbies, careers, etc) to center their male partners at the expense of their personal mental/financial wellbeing and happiness, only to realize that their male partners never neglected those things and see their female partners as a part of their life but not their whole life.
You don’t need to be tied to man to have meaning in your life. It’s ok to be alone..happiness is found within not with out
It’s not as often said, but… Watch out for men who repeatedly psychoanalyze you. Being analyzed can be intriguing as it feels like attention, but it can be a very subtle form of emotional control.
You’re so impressionable when you’re young and oftentimes, when someone TELLS you what/how you are, you’ll believe them and internalize those traits.
My ex of four years often did this and in the moment, it felt like he was trying to “care” for me. He would often talk about my anxiety and where he thinks it originated from. Two years post breakup, I’ve realized he was TELLING me how anxious I was and I ate it up. It was his way of making me feel like I needed him. I’m pretty shaken up by the realization tbh
So, yeah. If your man is constantly psychoanalyzing you and it starts to feel off, listen to your gut.
1. Can you tell him everything in your heart?
2. Is he kind?
3. Does he help you be a better version of yourself?
4. Can you imagine him as the father of your children (if applicable)?
This is a quote from The List novel, but it’s solid advice, simplified and easy to remember.
He is what he does, not what he says he does.
I wish I understood in my younger years that the whole thing toxic men say about The Wall/sad older single woman tropes is actually projection of what those men fear will happen to them. Men don’t stop talking to women the day we turn 30…or 40, 50, 60+. Men are still very much attracted to and interested in women of all ages, at all times. I remember foolishly thinking male attention would actually end in my 30s, and now I’d just like it to stop in my 40s.
And it isn’t only about sex -women are valuable partners. We bear children for men, usually provide a second income, and statistically do most of the household labor and child rearing. Women as romantic partners provide consistent access to sex that men often find difficult to get when they’re single. As romantic partners, we often act as therapists, as well. When you think about all that society expects of women vs men in a marriage, who would want a husband instead of a wife?
I say this as a straight woman who’s married to a man and is extremely attracted to men, but men objectively suck by many metrics when compared to women, and they know this about themselves.
They’re so bad at being alone. They need women a lot more than they let on.
Men will do almost anything to not be alone. Choosing to be with you doesn’t mean anything.
Don’t date porn addicts.
Apologies come with changed behavior, if there is no change they’re not sorry.
Pay attention to how he treats women he doesn’t want to shag,
If he shows nastiness, however small, in any moment then he has the capacity to be a nasty person. That’s something that won’t ever change. He might get good at hiding it for periods of time but it’s a part of who he is.
Do not trust a man who says “I’m just not that into politics”. He is, just not YOUR politics.