Women of Reddit: Have you ever knowingly ignored a red flag in a relationship? What made you do it, and how did it turn out? š©
Women of Reddit: Have you ever knowingly ignored a red flag in a relationship? What made you do it, and how did it turn out? š©
r/AskWomen
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I should have left my ex way before I did. Red flags:
that relationship, while awful when in it, also taught me a LOT about who I dont want to be, undesirable traits in a partner and best of all, how to advocate for myself. Since then I have never ever put up with any bullshit from anyone.
Yes.
I was young, inexperienced, and stupid enough to think that someone being a bit jealous and controlling was unhealthy but still demonstrated how strong their love was. That was a bullshit belief I didn’t even realize I was holding until too late.
They were very abusive, and it is much more difficult to leave abusive relationships than to get into them, so getting out again was unpleasant.
I was starved for attention. I thought no one else would love me like he did. Boy was I wrong.
We split. All he wanted was to be friends with benefits, I should have known that rather than drag it out for more than 3 yrs.
Yes. If i’m lonely enough and starved for attention enough I’ll ignore anything. Turned out as you’d expect. So many red flags heaped up they made a mountain. Plus I got bored and moved on.
He said all his exes were ācrazyā. I though, āwow, poor guy, heās misunderstood.ā Turns out, Iām now one of the crazy exes. Shouldāve listen to the warning label.
My ex was caught stealing from his job and got fired. Other men generally disliked him. His laziness was epic and he threatened to kill himself all the time. Hated everyone.
After 16 years together he ended up being completely antisocial and stole from my business. Emotional abuser and manipulator. Barely held down any type of job. I spent too long trying to have understanding for a sad baby bird instead of just running away like I should have. We also got super entangled emotionally in the worst type of way which led to me only getting anything out of him (time, attention, housework, action on his own life) if I was sick or hurting so I unconsciously put myself in a “needing help” position. Which made me feel like I needed him in life while he was the one ruining it. There’s nothing wrong with me. It also took all my power away. Good times. Don’t ignore red flags! He’s not special, or different, or misunderstood. He’s shitty.
Yeah my ex boyfriend had a porn addiction and watched some crazy shit and a lot of it had to do with Asian women (I am Asian). He ended up raping me so yeah now porn is a huge boundary in my current relationship lol.
Once, I ignored several red flags in a person because his influence was too strong for me to resist my inner instincts. It was both wonderful and very painful (roller-*ucking-costers yk) but the vicious circle did not break. It all ended in trauma and ghosting on his part. Don’t repeat other people’s mistakes
The gaslighting. Separating me from friends/family by saying āletās just spend time the two of us.ā Coercing me into having sex even though it hurt.
I ignored it all because I thought I was so lucky to have āa guy like himā go for āa girl like meā
We were together for 5 years. And by the time he cheated and got her pregnant, I was 23 and so wrapped up in his shit, that I couldnāt imagine life without him and went on a massive depressive spiral. I lost so much weight that people thought I had cancer.
Took me over a year to finally start feeling like myself again. And now, over a decade later, Iām happier than ever, living my best life.
Yes, Iāve been raped and beat up more times than I can count
Them being condescending when talking to me. Like, even if you have however many studies as you want, that gives you no right to belittle anyone else.
Currently dealing with this. Weāve been together for 17 years and have two small children together. We went through infertility, loss, and having babies and the craziness that comes with that. I dealt with depression, PPA, PPD and PPR and admittedly I did wait too long to get help and it did hurt our relationship. I felt unsupported and he felt unwanted. Anyway things blew up at the beginning of the year, I started therapy to help myself and he flipped a switch. Didnāt care about me anymore, flat out told me I didnāt matter. I was blindsided, but I took responsibility for how I made him feel and Iāve been putting in the work to be a better person, mother and wife. Meanwhile he completely ignored me while out at a work trip and freaked out on me when I called him in the morning so our kid could talk to him before getting on the bus, flipped out on me because he thought I opened his package (Amazon delivered a ripped package, I didnāt open it nor do I open his packages), heās been callous and uncaring, literally told me he canāt wait until Monday so he goes back to work and he hates work, making appointments behind my back, really secretive on his phone making sure I donāt see his screen, everything is my fault, even down to the fact that he doesnāt have friends, late to a work call, etc. gets angry at the littlest things and blows up on me, and made it clear heās only interested in me for my body. Stupid me ignored all that and more because I thought maybe I deserved this kind of treatment and I just have to be better. The latest thing that broke me was yesterday I couldnāt find my phone so I picked his up to check the weather and he changed his passcode. Itās funny how thatās the thing that broke me. I thought we could come back from anything. In retrospect it shouldnāt be a surprise but it broke me. I feel like such an idiot but I also feel stuck being a SAHM to two small children. Now Iām not sure what to do or how this is going to turn out.
In my first two relationships, I was blinded by my emotions, and it drained the life out of me
This one’s probably dumb.. I’m married to him now.
When we met when he was 31, and his house was bare except for a few necessities. Like nothing that would signify any interest in anyhing. Not even minimalism. I love interior decorating and was put off by his lack of personality in his home. It felt cold and serial killer esque.
Over time, his style had morphed, so I’m glad I didn’t turn around and not look back.
My first relationship and i was naive
Yesā¦. Cus for me if the sex is goodā¦ oooooh man. Nothing else matters lmao. And I know thatās fucked. And my head is fucked up. Butā¦ I like it like that lmfao. Oh wellll šš„“š¬
I should have left my ex when I entered his basement and saw a large portrait of Josef Stalin. Or when I found out his “occasional cigar” was a full, remorseless cigarette addiction that he hid with a lot of mouthwash and strong (and v yummy) cologne.
Smoking is my number 1 hard no on the spot. But I was dumb and lonely.
The Stalinism also should have been a deal breaker but I was about to ask him to be my first boyfriend and didn’t want to deal with the emotional deflation.
We ended up splitting because I wasn’t putting out after months of dating. It was amicable and we’re still friends.
He called all girlfriends a burden, he would ghost me whenever he would get mad at me, I was always an afterthought because he always put himself first, he had no ambitions and was willing to live in his momās basement for the rest of his life. Because friends set us up, I kept going to them for advice and they told me to be the bigger person and be more open about my feelings. I wrote to him so many vulnerable things that he didnāt deserve to read and he brushed it off like I was annoying him. I regret listening to friends and wished I broke up with him after he ghosted me for weeks. Instead he broke up with me. Even now I feel so embarrassed having such a pathetic person and major red flag being the one to break up with me.
Red flags in the relationship:
It was approximately a 5 year run around until he came to terms with his feelings for me. I first fell for him when we were 18. We didnāt start dating until 23. Within that period, he moved out of state and didnāt say goodbye to me, he left without saying anything to me even though we were actively hooking up.
Heās frugal to an extreme. I felt guilt and shame for wanting to eat out on special occasions. Like my birthday, when he insisted we go to restaurant that offers free birthday mealsā¦ but I wasnāt signed up for the promotion so it was awkward when the bill came. Really made me feel my worth was less than a $35 meal.
He envied people that fell short of my standards. He was always highly influenced by his friends, it became clear he cared more about what they thought about him than what I thought about him.
I guess 3 red flags is enough for the sake of keeping this comment moderately short.
How did it turn out? Absolutely devastating when we moved across the country together only to fall apart. We broke up because we wanted different things in life, and that was really hard for me to accept since I loved him 10+ years. Itās almost been 2 years since we broke up, and Iām still trying to process why I fell so deeply for someone I was way too good for.
Do I regret it? No. The love was real. There were moments that felt perfect, they just couldnāt survive the challenges of life and growing up.
He was misogynistic and put down other women behind their backs to “compliment” me. Also he had a suspicious amount of love for slurs as a “joke” and claimed that talking to your therapist about relationship issues = emotional cheating.
He told me I was wrong for being alarmed and that most girls could only dream of having a BF like him because he bought expensive gifts.
I didn’t trust myself enough to go “no I’m uncomfortable bye.” Glad it eventually ended and he also bettered himself in my absense.
I was very comfortable in that relationship i didnāt want to let it go and thats why i kept it.. ik it was wrong and it wasnt love that made me blind to it.. it was my comfort zone that i didnt want to leave plus i would get lonely so i chose that
I noticed my ex was a liar right from the start. He lied a lot to his family and basically lived a double life but I ignored it because I thought his family made him that way. Much as they contributed to it, I realise that this is also his character. Our relationship ended almost 2 years ago and I’m so happy I dodged that bullet before things got really serious!
Turned out badly lol
Being honest I’ve ignored red flags when I was very attracted to someone or someone who I would consider ‘wealthy’. It never ends well
Yes! He love bombed me early on and I ignored how controlling he was becoming. I thought it was just “intense love”. Turns out it was manipulation. Took me a year to leave. Never again.
never ignore the first sign of disrespect. shows that a man doesnāt value you as a woman. i let it happen too much.
and howād it turn out? i donāt get pushed over and just find a bunch of men skummy i guess.
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Nine years ago a guy I was seeing called from an unusual number saying heād been arrested and If I could possibly bail him out. I couldnāt. For whatever reason I was undeterred. Well turns out he was arrested in a wrongful arrest when police thought he was a local thief who they thought had stolen a tv that day. He was in fact not that man. But because he had a prior record of a DUI they detained him anyway. Turns out he was at the store buying me valentines gifts and we are now happily married. That was the only āred flagā in our relationship lol.
Mine told me I was too good for him and that he knew the relationship would end because heād do something. I knew this was red flag number one. He proceeded to sext his friend from out of state and send her money knowing she had a boyfriend. I saw all of this, and stayed with him for an additional two months after i saw.
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Mommy issues.
The way she treats those around her made me suspect that she was toxic/abusive (according to her she never does anything wrong and canāt fathom why her sons, sisters, DILs, cousins, etc all keep their distance). I caught it early on, ignored it. 5 years in now-hubby realizes how crazy she is bc once he moved out and started having a life of his own her tantrums grew to another level of manipulative.
One of my exes was waaay too confident. I didnāt mind that heās confident but he eventually started putting me down to make himself feel better about himself. Heād tell me that I should be lucky he chose me, and always mentions how sooo many girls want him. I broke up with him and he had a really hard time accepting it, Iām pretty sure he expected me to be happy when he told me those words and didnāt expect me to dump him.
Yes, it snowballed back even bigger 6 years later. Do not ignore
Ignored so many red flags with my ex because everyone insisted he loved me so much and he was awesome. I felt guilty and like I had to love him because clearly if everyone thought that, I was wrong. Horrible relationship that I’m glad I’m no longer in.