I hate to admit it, but when my partner leaves our home for a trip or obligation, I end up feeling so anxious.
My anxiety is around irrational fear of being attacked by an intruder. I’ve had history of men being very leery and long term creeping on me so I think it stems from that.
I live in a city, but a safe area, with amazing neighbors. My home is so cozy and sweet.
But still, as the night falls I start feeling stressed. Walking from room to room I feel hyper vigilant. Sounds in the night make me jump awake.
Honestly I used to have a cat and she made me feel so brave. Not only did I know she’d alert me to anything weird, I also put on my strong mama face if there was a weird noise and investigated to protect her. But she passed away and I’m home alone for the first time since.
Obviously many women live alone and handle this just fine. Are you all just more rational than me? What makes you feel safe?
Thank you
EDIT: Thanks so much to everyone with really empathetic responses and helpful suggestions! while I’ve had manageable anxiety around this before, being home alone without even an animal companion for the first time really threw me out of wack yesterday in a surprising way. I feel way more grounded today with all the encouragement, commiseration, and kindness. Thank you!!
(Will be getting another kitty as soon as possible!)
Comments
Are you sure it’s a fear of intruders or are you anxious about being separated from your SO?
Do you have a security system installed? It might make you feel better.
Guns
During the daytime, make sure all your windows and doors are locked. Then when it gets dark, you should only have to double check the most commonly used door. I also have one of those door blocker sticks that you wedge under the doorknob, and that makes me feel more secure. Make sure you know how to use the emergency function on your phone to dial 911 quickly. Maybe keep some pepper spray near your bed. Watch or read or listen to something happy before you go to sleep!
I’ve lived alone for most of the past 15 years in all kinds of housing situations: ground floor apartments, houses, unheated-probably-illegal attic apartments, “luxury” condos, 39th floor apartments, basement apartments… I didn’t like living on the ground floor because it felt like a car could’ve come into my apartment at any point, but generally the only things I do to stay safe are making sure the carbon monoxide detector works and making sure the fire alarms work.
My partner is in the process of moving in now so it will be nice to have her to help check those, it’s a PITA when you’re short.
I feel scarier than the threat of someone breaking into my house. I feel certain that if they did, they would regret it after encountering me. Lots of rage up in here after years of stalky boyfriends. I also have small baseball bats, golf clubs, and other “whackers” stashed around. Replaced standard door hardware with longer screws. I leave all of my lights off at night to not make it any easier to get through my house without making noise. Having a socially averse companion critter helps too bc they’ll alert you if something is weird. Also, the reality that when men have lived with me and things did pop off, they typically made it worse, which made me realize that having a “man” was a false sense of assurance in the first place.
I am sorry to hear of your animal’s passing. I think if you can imagine that they’re still there to protect, it would go a long way. Essentially, you’re the critter you’ll need to be in momma bear mode for now.
I always make sure all my doors and windows are locked and I live in a safe area (the only break ins in my neighborhood in 15 years have been to cars parked on the street). I also have 2 outdoor security cameras which i feel are a deterrent as well.
You are not alone. I have irrational fear of intruders, I’m also afraid of the dark and I tend to get night terrors, waking up in cold sweat and I need to change to a dry t-shirt. Sometimes I get a bonus of sleep paralysis with hallucinations. Cats definitely help but barely enough. I wish I could tell you how to get better at this but I have no clue, so just sharing that you are not alone in experiencing this. I got used to sleeping alone just fine when I was single but when I’m partnered and he leaves for a night or several, or I travel alone, this shit happens.
Well, I grew up bu neglectful and dysfunctional parents and do not know my extended family, so I have grown up a lone wolf, I also no friends or maybe one or two at most at school but spend 99.9% of my time alone since childhood, moved out at 18 for uni where I picked the city furthest away to escape my parents, and then left the country and lived on my own, starting my life from scratch after graduation in a totally new country and city on my own in my early 20s. So I have always been alone that the concept of living with others is actually foreign to me.
I am now in my early 30s and still live, been doing it since 18 so am very used to it. In terms of safety, I initially always lived in flats so it was no issue as they are secure. Now I live in a house and the area is safe. I do have flood lights, a video doorbell and security cameras by Eufy, my neighbours are all friendly and it is a quiet street overall. I always lock doors and shut windows
I don’t have time for pets as I cannot care for them, but one of my friends who lives alone has a dog, which helps.
German shepherd
Motion activated lights around your house could also help. It will scare away anyone trying to creep up to the house and be a deterrent – plus it will be an additional way that you could notice if something is actually happening (a noise with no lights turning on would indicate it’s just a noise and not a threat)
Or some people get a dog because the dogs will hear people as they approach the house and will alert you. Plus you won’t be alone then! 🙂
Camera/security system on all doors. Motion detection sends me notifications. Two large dogs over 150lbs. It’s what been working for me and my husband was gone for almost 6 months at one point and I lived in a bad area of a bad city.
by living alone
Security cameras, know your neighbors, and it’s not that bad. Tbh, I was more afraid of stranger danger when I had a partner than as a single person. My ex wanted me to be afraid of strangers to make him feel more valuable in the relationship. The only nonsense I have encountered is a delivery guy lingering a little too long in the hallway.
I love living alone, it is peaceful. I have a security camera, extra door locks, and a dog if anything weird happens. Oh, and I got rid of that ex.
I think for me I don’t really know anything else. I’ve been living alone for most of my adult life. I keep the doors locked and don’t answer unless I’m expecting someone. I probably pay more in rent to stay in a safer part of town. Sorry don’t really have an answer
You could fill your house with guard dogs and guns and make your house impenetrable and you’d probably still feel this way because it sounds like an internal worry rather than external. Do you have an anxiety disorder and have you considered therapy?
Actually, I feel safest living alone. I think it’s brave to even attempt living with anyone else at this point.
This might be a therapy or medication situation. You shouldn’t be so anxious to spend a night away from your partner in your own home that you can’t control your nervous system. No amount of external features is going to quell this level of anxiety.
Security cameras, a couple firearms, and a German Shepherd. I also refuse to die at the hands of a man so if he makes it in to my house – he’s going to regret it.
Bc anyone that tries to come into my house without my permission will have to first meet my personal bodyguards, Smith & Wesson.
I don’t do anything besides keep my doors locked. I live in a city, just a couple of miles from downtown. Sometimes I can hear gunshots rattling off late at night. But I feel safe. That said, I have a long history of living (and being safe and sound) in rough neighborhoods.
I don’t know if this is about rationality. It’s about exposure. I have always lived alone as an adult, so my brain has learned how to tune out weird bumps in the night. I also frequently do things that women are warned not to do (like walking around late at night unaccompanied). Am I more rational than you? Or I am just wired differently than you?
I’m peaceful because I live on my own I think. As a teenager, I also suffered the worst things in my own bedroom from someone who was meant to keep me safe.
I also like in a second storey flat, so my windows are high off the ground and there’s two locked doors between me and the outside world.
I bought a firearm, got training, and practice weekly. I also have an alarm system with cameras and motion lights, along with other security measures (think home alone).
I make sure any windows/doors are locked just as it’s starting to get dark. Then make sure the main door is locked before I go to bed. I’m scared of the dark so I usually get ready for bed earlier and then go and watch something in bed with my dog when it gets dark. Usually push something up against my bedroom door and I have a little night light that I leave on! Also useful to have something to use to defend yourself should the need arise!
Put bells on doors and windows. You will hear them open. And add motion sensor lights. If a light goes on down the hall you know something is up.😬
This sounds like anxiety rather than a question of physical security. You say that yours is a safe area with great neighbours so you’re not indicating specific safety concerns. Your choice of “peaceful and brave” in the question makes me think that you’re feeling anxious when you’re on your own, regardless of where you are. All of this seems like a topic to address in therapy.
FWIW, I’ve lived on my own for about 15 years now, in Canada and in Poland and am now preparing to move in with my partner. I’ve never felt unsafe because I was on my own or felt more secure when my ex or current partner are around. I do remember feeling like things were way too quiet when I first moved out on my own but got used to it in a few days.
I have a dog who would alert me, and sleep with a sword next to my bed. Figure decapitating someone makes for a more interesting news headline than shooting someone.
I don’t listen to true crime podcast and don’t use Next Door. Seems to do the trick, because I don’t do anything other than just standard precautions.
Im on an anti anxiety and I have a gun, among other weapons. Home invasions are super rare now a days. Why do that when you can just scam people online.
I will risk to sound insensitive but girl you need some therapy.
I completely understand what you feel. When I divorced my ex husband and moved to a new address, it was incredibly very stressful to be alone. In the past I had a man (however awful human he was), and I could leave the duty of protecting the home and me from physical danger to his responsibility. But when I started living alone, it was a super duper shocker for me to suddenly be responsible for my own safety. I had a girl friend come over and she stayed for a week, and then gradually staying over every other weekend night until I totally got used to being by myself. I have self defense training (I do not, and will not carry lethal arms), and I always have an escape plan in my mind in case of an intruder breaking in.
You just have to be brave enough and motivate yourself to stay focussed in order to overcome the fear of being alone.
I have an alarm system and a husky. I used to live with a cop for over a decade. I left him and took the husky and have lived alone for 3 years, so I really understand where you are coming from. The alarm system and seeing that red light on when I wake up in the middle of the night gives me peace.
Maybe adopt a dog from a shelter!
I have security cameras, dogs, and a multitude of weapons. I live in a nice area, I know my neighbors, but I also back up to wide open desert, so I stay cautious.
(mumbles something under breath about how whilst fear of violent crime committed against us by a stranger is a somewhat valid concern it is VASTLY overblown for the majority of people, and women especially are encouraged to overly fear it thanks to mainstream media, patriarchal policing, benevolent sexism and oh the true crime industrial complex, and the unfortunate truth is that for the majority of female victims of violent crime the perpetrator is not a stranger)
There’s a million ways I might die every day. Someone entering my house is quite low on the list.
Do you have trauma? Your body is telling you something. Do you have a comfort toy? I have a comfort toy for night time anxiety. Your partner might be keeping you calm when he is present and in his absence, unprocessed feelings are rising to the surface.
I have general anxiety disorder and I’ve pushed myself far out of my comfort zone for the past 2 years – sailing across the pacific and travelling Europe solo. It has helped my anxiety a lot. Compared to 10 metre waves trying to overturn my boat, everything else is chill.
Most people are just trying to live their lives and don’t want to harm you. The ones that do want to harm you, you are either already prepared for or there is nothing you can do can prevent it because it’s so off the wall. Mitigate what you can. Let the rest go.
I think some of this comes down to humans being kind of pack animals. For me, there is an effortless physical sense of safety, regulation and ease when someone I know or a pet is in the home with me versus when I’ve lived completely alone. When alone I’ve had to create a sense of warmth and safety, put the tv on or listen to a podcast in addition to usual safety measures to feel the same level of comfort especially at night.
You’re chances of a random break in happening are extremely low. I say this as someone who used to live in a high crime area. Keep your doors locked and close your windows or put locks on them so they can’t be opened to far. If this is causing this much stress, maybe an alarm system???
For me, at least, two things help with my apartment:
Not living on the first floor.
My apartment door opens to an inside hallway, not to the outside. And you need a key card to enter the building.
When my husband leaves for the night I get genuinely excited. We live in a small town, with great neighbors and it’s overall very safe. He leaves = me getting me time. It’s the best.
I think maybe you need to invest in a security system and also talk to a doctor about anxiety meds you can take to help calm you down when he’s gone. Also therapy to understand why you’re afraid of being alone at night and develops some coping skills.
Have you thought about getting a dog? I live in an apartment but when I visit my parents in their huge ranch house with no neighbors close by, I get really anxious and scared at night. I started to ask my brother if I could keep his dog at nights when I’m there alone and it’s helped so much
Put the TV on your favorite comfort show — the sound of voices goes a long way.
You’re more like to be killed by your husband than a random person breaking in
I live alone and have bells on my doors, a motion sensor light and security system. Got large old men’s shoes/work boots I put by the front door so looks like a guy lives there. Have a gravel driveway.
Gravel by windows and cacti. Befriended a few neighbors. I also park my car with the front of it facing the street in case I need to bolt. Would have a dog but I am in a rental with no dogs allowed.
Maybe a friend or family member could stay with you and you could have a fun old school sleepover if is too scary?
Leaving the TV on during the day is said to help deter break-ins too.
Self-defense classes could be worth looking into as well.
The answer here is clearly to get another cat!! 🩷 I’ve lived alone since 2019 with my cat and with her I never really feel alone. 🙂
I keep the house well lit outside, keep a lamp on at night so someone thinks I’m up, and I have a security system. Also have signs outside stating the security systems presence. I still get nervous but it’s gotten better almost a year in.
Ring cameras set to super sensitive settings lol. If someone passes in front of an entryway even if it’s 4am, I open the alerts and check. As long as there are not alerts I’m calm. I do get anxiety the moment I hear the ring though.
I have a security alarm system and it’s almost always on when I’m home by myself and definitely always on at night. All doors and windows stay locked at all times! I also have a 🔫.
I have a monitored security system. I lock my bedroom door to give me more time in case there is one (my bedroom windows are too high to reasonably break into). Other than that, I’ve lived alone most of my life and never had a single incident, so I figure the chances of that changing are pretty low.
Most violence against women is committed by a romantic partner/someone they know. So you are statistically safer when your SO is gone. And if most women have experienced some sort of domestic violence, but most men are not locked up in jail, think about all the rapists/women beaters/etc. Out in the world. They’re just out there, living their daily lives, buying groceries, filling up the gas tank, going to movies. You’re constantly surrounded by bad people, you’re definitely safer at home by yourself.
Sorry if this makes it sound terrifying outside, because it is not. Fear is how shitty men and the shitty patriarchy control women.
It’s learning how to trust yourself implicitly, which includes playing scenarios/whatifs, having contingencies, knowing all entry/exit pts to your home, adding protections like cameras and other methods of protection, knowing your neighbors just enough, and acting quickly if people show odd or menacing behavior.
It’s also being strong mentally, physically – lifting weights/being able to run, knowing vulnerable hit points, overall physical fitness bc if you ever (and god forbid) had to fight back, at least you either get away or do serious damage to give yourself a chance to run. This is such awful content but it’s the reality women face regularly.
I used to be afraid of it but tbh it was just heightened anxiety.
Do therapy or go to the gym to get out the jitters. Take sensible precautions (lock windows doors etc) and have outdoor sensor lights that turn on with movement.
Other than that, you need to give your brain a lecture. “I am not living like a prisoner in my own house. If something happens I will deal with it but right now nothing is happening so there’s nothing to deal with”.
And read the gift of fear, it’ll help.
Living alone has never bothered me. I generally don’t even lock my doors. Although I live in a small quiet town.
The majority of murders for women are from their spouse. Statistically You’re safer alone
A ring doorbell and privacy film on all my windows helped. I did a couple of different types so some still allow me to see outside, but others can’t see in. Not being able to be perceived in that way was truly helpful. A ring doorbell with motion activation turned on also gave me a lot of peace to my surroundings.
Lock the doors and windows, install security lights in dark areas of the house and by the doors and if it’s right for you, get a big dog and a gun. I’m not trying to impose my belief in firearms on anyone, but I feel very safe knowing that I’ll be alerted by my dog if someone comes in, in the middle of the night and that I’ll be able to shoot them before they can hurt me.
I’ve been living alone for the greater part of the past decade. I never feel unsafe on my own home. I have taken some basic precautions to ensure my house is secure but nothing too out of the ordinary. I’ve upgraded my windows and doors to better, more sturdy ones slowly over the years. I’ve always kept at least one medium to large, mostly black dog as a pet. I know most of my neighbors and what cars they drive. I don’t have cameras in the house or a security system. I’ve never really seen the need for one; they don’t seem to be of any use in an actual
I also started strength training and lifting weights. Cycling for cardio Doing yoga and keeping my body in good shape, fit, and, mobile. Keeping my body fit and strong provides me with a feeling of security.
But the single biggest thing I’ve done to feel safe in my own home? I now have absolutely zero tolerance for men’s bullshit. If I get even a whiff of anger problems, misogyny, narcissism, MAGAism, or a lack of personal accountability, I drop them like a steaming hot turd.
Each time I have been unsafe in my own home has been at the hands of an intimate male partner. I’d rather die alone with my dogs and a bunch of cats than let another man disturb my peace in my own home ever again.
This may not be popular or conventional— but when I was living alone I felt most comfortable knowing I have a firearm and I am well versed in using it. Additionally, I have a pack of dogs that are hyper aware. My Aussies are extremely protective of me, my McNab is a literal hellion and hs to be outside for anyone to enter or else he bites. Before someone could even enter my house my LSG would alert and is trained by instinct to protect at all costs. Not saying that a dog is the solution but it gives me peace of mind. It took me a min to adjust to living alone in a house that’s in the county. I got comfortable with how my house sounds, how my neighborhood (lol) usually sounds and got better about locking my doors.
Being alone is peaceful 🤷🏽♀️. I don’t worry about intruders or anything. I generally don’t worry about much….waste of energy. All I can do is what I can.
For me, it’s a white noise machine and/or fan, tv on in the background, and cats help. They alert me if something is weird, or if I think I hear something, I can always look to them to see if I’m imagining things
Get a dog. BFF and security guard in one furry package.
Would it help if you could video call someone around bed time? You can explain to them what you explained to us here. Other thing that helps me is have a weapon next to my bed, so even if I’m sleeping or it’s middle of the night I will have something to use to defend myself.
As a single lady, you learn to deal with it. I think in relationships it’s important to preserve a sense of individuality.
Also on third floor of a walkup, so that intruder needs cardio.
My cat also alerts me whenever something comes close to the house. Perhaps you should get another one. They’re great companions too!
I have ring cameras which give me a piece of mine. Also keep lights on and all of my devices charged just incase. I have a baseball bat by the side of my bed for when he’s on nights. Not much but it helps.
I have a door stopper, doorbell camera, and a very nosy neighbor so I don’t worry about it
i do not need a man for protection — smith & wesson are good enough 😌 i also have a ring doorbell, security, and a ton of great neighbors.
We definitely understand your fear…some of us have just gotten better with coping with it! You’re not alone 🙂 but you got this sis! Make a “plan” for every thing you would do if such and such happened!
I have roommates now but I usually live alone. I keep all the doors locked all the time. I have a ring doorbell which hopefully deters some bad elements. I sleep with my bedroom door locked, too; hopefully that will give me a few extra seconds to grab the knife I keep within arms reach. If someone does get in while I’m sleeping, and I have time to get to that knife, the plan is to pretend I’m sleeping and then stab away. I used to have a gun but I never felt comfortable with it and was worried I would end up accidentally shooting myself with it instead of protecting myself.
Edit: and never open the door to a stranger. Ever. I had a very large man try to push his way in to my apartment one night because I opened the door to a stranger. Somehow I was able to throw all my body weight on the door and get it closed and locked. When the police came they told me there was a push in rapist who fit his description in my area. Terrifying. To this day I can’t imagine what would have happened if he’d gotten in. I was in there alone with my 2yr old son. I would not have gotten to my gun or any weapon in time so it wouldn’t have done me any good.
I don’t really understand the question tbh. You live in a safe area with amazing neighbors. You surely engage in best safety practices. What exactly do you think is going to happen that couldn’t happen when your SO is home? I assume sometimes you go into public alone, drive alone, shop alone? Bad things can happen then too and you apparently handle that risk just fine. Everyone has a different level of risk tolerance, but tbh yours seems unnecessarily elevated and you might want to examine why that is. It feels a little patronizing to be called peaceful and brave for just existing.
I don’t currently live alone, but when I did, I kept my doors locked and deadbolted and a loaded shotgun by my bed and a wooden baseball bat behind my bedroom door.
I lived alone for a while and got myself into a “safety routine” every time I came home from work. Opened my door, shut the door, turned on lights in every room (I’d put my work bag in my office room, offload my shoes in the bedroom, check the bathroom, then put everything else back by the front door (which was in the kitchen)) then I would lock all my door locks.
The for going to sleep, I would check every room, visually check window locks, check the door locks, set the alarm, go to bed. It sounds a little neurotic, but I have an anxiety disorder, so having little 5 minute routines helped my brain stop obsessing about “what if someone broke into my office window” while I’m trying to get to sleep. I use the same tactic now when my husband is out of town.
Beefy protective male dog
Hey, I feel for you, but this came across to me as really patronizing. I don’t want to be single, but I am, so I just do what I have to do. I don’t have someone to look out for me and my safety. But I don’t think it takes “bravery” to live alone. What would you do if you didn’t have a partner?
I’ve found I experience similar anxiety when I’m used to living with someone, and they are absent for short periods of time. When I’ve lived alone – after about a couple of months – that anxiety wears off, and now I get anxious thinking about living with someone, haha.
Facetimeing loved ones before bedtime, having a fan running, or a white noise machine helps.
I live alone in a dangerous part of town and most of the time I am fine. I have two dogs and a cat, none of whom would protect me but would at least alert me, so I get some measure of comfort from that.
On the nights I feel jumpy it’s usually because I’ve watched a scary movie or stumbled on to the spooky part of tiktok, rather than external factors. On those nights I leave the hallway light on, lock my bedroom door with all the animals in the room with me, and sleep with the lamp on. That helps a lot. Get a lock for your bedroom door and a cosy lamp if you don’t have one. You can sleep with the light on, it’s not silly and you have free will. All of my external facing doors also have deadlocks.
Idk how people do it out of cities long term. In the middle of no where I don’t feel safe by myself. No one to help etc
I think I must be oblivious to a lot of this stuff, somehow. I have almost never feared for my safety, except when walking down dark alleyways alone. I keep my front door locked, and try to only leave windows open when I’m in the room the window is in, but it never even crosses my mind that crime could happen to me while I’m inside my house. I keep accidentally leaving my car doors unlocked, lol.
“Women who live alone” – you asked. Women who live alone have become used to being their own protectors and taking responsibility for their own safety. You have a partner who you feel makes you feel safe (this is a good thing) but whose absence makes you feel vulnerable (this is a bad thing, it means you’re more likely to put up with bad behaviour from him because “mostly” he makes you feel safe). So when you say “how do you stay peaceful and brave” the answer is, “because we live alone and have to be”. It’s not possible to live somewhere long term where you don’t feel safe, but our sense of safety doesn’t come from having a partner to defend us, it comes from ourselves – maybe from us knowing our neighbours, or knowing we have good security, like cameras and door chains and window locks and a dog, or from us knowing how to fight, or simply from knowing that we live in a safe neighbourhood.
I like that you miss having your partner around when he’s gone, but seriously he shouldn’t be the difference between you feeling safe and unsafe. I would recommend you seek out things to do when he’s away so that you have a network around you that makes you feel safe and supported even without him.
I’ve lived alone for 10 years and not once did I feel scared. This is not a normal response to being alone, I would investigate this in therapy. It’s likely anxiety.
I always lock my door. That’s the only thing I do really.
Before I moved in with my partner?
A rifle.
I live with my fiancé now but lived alone for a few years. I lived in a gated complex which helped. I lived in an upstairs unit. I had a ring doorbell camera. I have a 75 pound Goldendoodle with a very very mighty bark, he scares the shit out of people with it 😂 he is also super protective and would def bark if someone walked by. I also kept a bat next to my bed. Also my best friend and her husband lived in the unit below mine which gave me added comfort! It was an urban area so there were some questionable folks but not too terrible. I loved living alone!
I do feel a little hypervigilant and just more “aware” when my husband is gone for a night. It’s weird because I have been working from home for the past 5 years, majority of which I am home alone during the day. I guess when I had roommates, I could just reason away any creak or sound as one of them, even if I couldn’t see them or didn’t know for sure that they were home.
It’s also interesting because our apartment building is fairly secure, and I’m not really worried about someone actually breaking in. I think it’s just out of the ordinary for my husband to not be home at night? I’m the one who travels for work a few times a year while he doesn’t so sure, we miss each other when I’m gone but being alone in our apartment just feels eerily weird, because usually even if he’s gone, he’s coming home soon.
This is me! I had unfortunately the experience as a child of our house being broken into several times and through my window. I managed to live alone after this but there’s been nights that I’m more afraid than others. I decided to talk to a therapist about this and it really has done wonders for me. I hope you will feel better about this soon, it’s absolutely understandable
I’m peaceful because I live alone.