Why do some women seem to drop their friends as soon as they get their romantic needs met? Is friendship that disposable to some people ? I have noticed situations like this happening quite often. Im friends with this one woman who always makes excuses for why she can’t talk on the phone and when I finally get her on the phone she’s like puts me on hold several times to talk to her boyfriend. And talks to her boyfriend while spending time with me she has to call him in the middle of our girls days.
I noticed that it’s really hard for some women to balance the romantic aspect of their lives vs friendships. But when they are single some of my friends go back to being extremely clingy to me and calling and texting 24/7 almost like I’m their second spouse
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I feel like if you’re not aligned with your views on friendship it’s best to just make them an acquaintance and shift your energy
Those are male-centred women and there’s nothing you can do to change them. You just need to give the same energy you receive regardless of whether they’re single or not. You can’t be always available for friends that treat you like an option.
And about three weeks ago as of today, my so-called best friend from now we had gone to dinner and afterwards we were going to an art class and as soon as she asked me how long the class was and I told her that it was two hours she started saying that she was feeling anxious, but it was fine because she had her meds with her, which I understand if you’re not feeling good we don’t have to do anything but we were having dinner and she was on her phone the entire time and I felt like I was just talking to myself. She ended up going home and it turned out the next day. She was going on a trip with her boyfriend. She said she felt very sorry and that she would reschedule well it’s been three weeks and she hasn’t even reached out.
When I lived with my ex-boyfriend, I still had a healthy balance of friendships and my relationship. I made time for her and us hanging out, but I feel that in this friendship I’m always reaching out, especially after she got a boyfriend. And it sucks because I’m done putting in the effort because I’m tired this is a one-sided friendship and I deserve better… and you probably deserve better too
Yes tornados are really that disposable! People are.
I would just only talk to them about superficial things and never entertain them talking about their bf.
I valued my high school friends higher than even family. As an adult, my friendships are superficial and business-oriented so of course I don’t prioritize them over my intimate partner.
They were raised that way. Their mothers taught them that friendships don’t matter. All that matters is that you find a husband and get married. This friend will never change. In fact, she will get a lot worse. Once she gets married, she will drop you if you don’t fit into her life, i.e., be married and have kids at the same time as her. God forbid if you end up in a relationship before her, or have kids while she is still trying. You will experience her anger.
Run for the hills now. It only gets worse. And remember, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.”
I refuse to be friends with women who do this.
Boundaries. Learn what boundaries are.
“Friend, when you are in relationships you prioritise your boyfriend during our time together and I feel very hurt by that. I feel less important and I feel like our friendship doesn’t matter to you”.
“Friend, if you want to talk to your boyfriend I’m gonna go home because I prefer our time together to just be for us”
“Friend, if you want to call your boyfriend then just call him. I find it disrespectful when you leave me on hold mid-conversation to talk with him instead and I’d rather just not do calls if it continues “.
You are making yourself EXTREMELY available and then getting mad when she accepts your availability.
I won’t deal with that behavior anymore. I will cut people off. I have two friends who don’t act like selfish idiots, and I feel that that’s enough friends, if it comes to that.
I had friends pull that crap when I was younger. One of them once asked me out for coffee, only to call him and talk to him on the phone for quite awhile. When she got off the phone I told her that if she was just going to talk on the phone to someone else the whole time, why am I even here? She didn’t take it well. It was one of several instances. The last time I tried to talk to her about it, she started crying because she never took responsibility for anything, and I knew I just needed to stop making plans with her. I don’t miss her. I see her around occasionally and she’ll ask me to things. She still doesn’t get it and never will.
People like that are selfish. I’m not disposable and I’m not to be taken for granted. People who do this deserve to be alone. You should stop trying with people like this because they will never care about you in the way you deserve. They only care about themselves.
There’s a lot of comments in here interpreting these women in the worse light imo.
I don’t think it’s malicious or that these aren’t girls’ girls. I just think people get excited about relationships and love and don’t necessarily realize how unavailable or rude they’re being.
When I was younger and obsessed with a new boyfriend, I would completely forget to nurture my other relationships. Sometimes people just need to be politely reminded to get out of their own heads.
I have a friend who comes in hot and cold. When she won’t answer my messages or ignores me for a long period of time I understand she has found her man of the month.
That sounds like a codependent person. They seem to have capacity for only one such kind of relationship in their life, so when it’s a partner, it’s not you.
My therapist commented that I’ve been so good at decentering men that I won’t even be friends with women who don’t. Which is true and I’m very proud of it as a former pick-me that was “one of the guys” growing up. I’ve been overexposed to their nature and now I’m basically tapped out from engaging with them. Also they never want to stay platonic in my experience, so male friends haven’t really been a true thing for me in my adult life.
I’m in a new country and met a good number of women last year. But as time went on, I just didn’t mesh with the coupled women, despite being married myself at the time (pending a divorce now, not sad about it as it was a long time coming)
These women would always redirect the convo to their spouses, always surprise us with their presence at group events (that were intended to be us girls only), etc. They’d always interrogate me about where my spouse was and basically why I was able to socialize regularly without him 🙄 (which was wild because we lived together and worked from home together for years, so of course it would make sense to carve out time to miss one another but these women were just too codependent or controlled to understand)
I objectively don’t want to spend any of my emotional energy on men at this point in my life, so why continue to nurture relatively new friendships that don’t mesh with that? I’ve since stopped and decided to only pursue friendships with women who can pass the Bechtel test.
Idk if they are partnered or not but I’m sick of draining my energy hearing about their men or them trying to foist them on me. I don’t want to meet them, I don’t care about them, I don’t want to be their friend. If you’re happy and safe that’s all that matters.
Never happened to me with a female friend, though I believe it’s certainly a thing! I did lose 2 male friends this way. Gradually I stopped talking to them because I’m not gonna put an effort into a friendship that isn’t being reciprocated. It sucks but some people just become codependent once they couple up.
For a generous explanation, it could simply be that they don’t have the time/energy to maintain both relationships. Of course, this still means that they’re prioritising the romantic relationship over the friendship. And it doesn’t mean that you need to put up with it; it’s absolutely fair to leave the ball in their court, or cut contact, or greyrock. But i don’t think it necessarily means that they’re taking you for granted.
All of my friendships ended because they found a boyfriend or girlfriend. I stopped reaching out first and never heard from them again lol it sucks!
My guess is that they have a weakly developed sense of self and find it very difficult to be independent in general. As for why they are like that – I’m not a psychologist, so take it with a grain of salt – I think it’s low self esteem, and a deep feeling from childhood that they only matter in relation to other people, not by themselves.
I had one friend like that and over time, I just got tired of her shit and ended the friendship.
those aren’t friends; ditch those people and find others who value your friendship as you do theirs.
I ended a lifelong friendship with a woman who has similar tendencies. It’s not from a malicious place I think, these people just haven’t learned how to sit with their feelings. They have an endless thirst for validation that can’t be fulfilled until they do the difficult inner work. As Jung would say they are not in touch with their animus. Especially if they also struggle with material independence.
This is such an interesting topic! I feel like there’s a general tendency to prioritize romantic relationships over most other types of relationships most of the time, including familial and platonic. And I think this is reflected in our language as well, such as when people discuss wanting/being in “a relationship”. We have relationships with everybody around us, but what they’re referring to specifically is a ROMANTIC relationship. This narrative is so common though that the desired relationship type doesn’t need specified. I also think that we often believe that a romantic relationship is the most fulfilling type of relationship to have, but I’m not sure I believe there’s much of an actual difference between a “best friend” type of relationship and a romantic relationship aside from sex or romance. But I also kind of think that people intentionally place these types of relationships at the top of a hierarchy because of the possibility of marriage and the benefits that can come with that.
I wouldn’t take it personally, most people only have so much oomph in their social battery and it’s easy to get busy with life, especially if you’ve got a partner and kids sucking up all your energy.
Life happens in phases, and is longer than you’d expect. Be happy when your friends go through a lull and can focus on their friendships, and don’t hold it against them when they can’t. There will be a day when you, too, don’t have enough hours in the day for all of your obligations.
I don’t bother building deep friendship with women like this. Just not worth it.
Honestly it really sounds like someone who is struggling with anxious attachment. People forget that attachment theory doesn’t just affect your romantic relationships.
she may be limerent and that is one of the symptoms.
Some are bad at prioritizing, some are in toxic relationships, some have major anxiety. Who knows.
What I know doesn’t work it trying to change people. See them for who they are and adapt your behaviour and friendships accordingly.
Hi OP, I’m so sorry that you’ve dealt with this with your friend. It seems like she thinks it’s okay to talk to her boyfriend even at the expense of your time. This is so frustrating but I think you should try to talk to her about how you feel. If she doesn’t understand how you feel, I think it’s time to rethink the friendship and give yourself some space. I also think you should prioritize other friendships that feel reciprocal and where you feel respected.