In discussions surrounding expectations from a partner/ navigating relationships the perspective is often “believe who he is when he shows you” and “he’ll only change if he wants.” These are great perspectives that I’ve seen to usually be true. However, people do have issues and sometimes people actually do change. It can be hard to trust investing in a partner who has personal problems, or one who is slowly in progress at working on them. Sometimes it impacts you a lot. But I’ve seen myself dramatically improve my mental health, and I know that people are capable of doing it while in a partnership.
What is your story of a relationship where the person did actually put the work in? What were the problems? what did they do to work on the? How long did it take them to show progress?
Comments
My husband and I got together young and were married in our early 20s, and honestly we BOTH had a lot of growing to do, but since you asked about him changing, I’ll focus on that lol. He was raised by a horribly abusive mother and had undiagnosed PTSD and autism when we met. He also lives with chronic pain thanks to cerebral palsy. So, early on he had a short stint where he was drinking too much. Also, for the first decade of our marriage we fought horribly and frequently (not physical, but screaming at each other, insults, just being awful to each other). He was unmotivated and irresponsible, with a quick temper. Of course, he had his good sides, so I stuck it out and we worked on it.
Tbh I can’t remember what the catalyst was that made him want to turn things around, but about 5 years ago he got into therapy. He was finally able to put names to the things plaguing him and finally able to start understanding how much damage his mother did to him. He’s still in therapy twice a week and we did about a year of couple’s counseling.
And I can’t believe how things have turned around. The glimpses of the wonderful, caring, loving man I used to see are now there all the time. He’s doting and thoughtful and I honestly can’t imagine anyone in the world I would rather be married to.
At the end of the day, I do believe people can change but they have to want to and they have to show you that they’re actually willing to do the work. Words aren’t enough, there needs to be action.
We met young in our early 20s and got married in our mid 20s. There was a lot of growing we had to do together, from the way we resolve our conflicts to the way we communicate. But mainly speaking for him, he completely quit his weed habit for me, got his career together by going back to college and then getting his masters so that he can get a high paying job to support our goals. He moved states for our goals and constantly prioritizes us over everything us. I knew 2 years into our relationship that he was fully committed because of his actions and that was when he proposed as well.
My husband definitely had issues when we first started dating. Seeking validation from talking to women, self sabotage, and not really having a direction for his future/career. When i’d catch him being shady he never denied anything. Would admit what he did, why he did it, and how it wasn’t who he wanted to be. After a couple times I told him he could start therapy or I’m out. He went to therapy for a little while, spent time reading some self help books directed toward men, and made it clear he was putting in effort to care for his mental health. He would frequently talk to me about what he was working on in himself, and what he learned about himself and the trauma he carried.
Fast forward 8 years and we are very happily married. Very happy I trusted my gut when it told me he was an incredible person who just hadn’t learned the healthiest coping techniques
My husband and I also met and married in our early 20s. I grew up way too fast and worked hard and had perfectionist tendencies. He was very kind and humble but had drinking problems because of unresolved trauma. Ohhh the drama was intense. I also discovered that I am anxiously attached. It broke me. I have never loved anyone like I love him and I knew he was still the man I wanted to be with. I got into therapy, for myself only. I was in denial that I had any control over myself. Therapist told me to focus on myself. To work on my happiness. I was so attached and dependent on him that if he wasn’t well, I wasn’t either. Very unhealthy dynamic. In 2020 I could not work anymore due to chronic pain (I had it before we met but our marriage issues made it escalate) I begged him to get help or I was out. He stopped drinking. Couldn’t go to therapy. We had been married 9 years at this point. I really was done. He was amazing in every way except for the drinking. He does treat me well and sacrifices his own comfort and convenience for me. He is very respectful and loving. But when he drank, he would dissapear. The crazy thing- he was with my family. My cousins, brother and my cousins husbands. His friends were friends with my cousins so it became so easy at family parties for him to drink. It was heartbreaking because I also realized how toxic my family was as everyone enabled these behaviors.
He left his Friends and he got a new job. He eventually got into therapy. I still get triggered over certain memories. I can say though that he did everything in his power to be a great husband to me. He financially supports us and he is my rock. I don’t know how I stuck it out for 9 years and I don’t recommend but he has truly moved mountains to get better and to give us a better life. I am very proud of the man he is today.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and have made enough progress that the difference between my happiness and his…misanthropy became difficult to ignore. It can be pretty hard for one partner to see the other change, or so I’ve heard. We were arguing regularly, which is unusual, and I told him I just wanted him to try to address his issues and see if it helps. We’re older than most of the couples in these comments (58 and 60), and I want us to enjoy our time left! So he found a therapist he really likes, and he’s committed to working on his stuff, most of which has little to do with me since it’s the second marriage for both of us. We have a lot of work to do individually, and I think it helps that we genuinely like each other and want what’s best for both of us, individually and as a couple.
Oof. Where to start without making this a novel.
Met in college in our late mid-twenties. Major chemistry and that really overshadowed everything. I had serious mental health issues I hadn’t worked out and was a bad drunk. Relationship moved quickly, I moved to a big city with him that I never wanted to be in. He missed out on an opportunity for free rent since we moved together and I had dogs (place was really for someone solo) so we both truly started the relationship with resentment and with my drinking, things just got worse for a while.
I decided enough was enough. Quit drinking cold turkey. Went to therapy. Started getting active. Took him longer to start moving forward, understandably. Overall, we’re talking about almost a 4 year period of going downhill and then climbing back up to where we are today.
It was hard. Many times throughout we both just wanted to walk away but I also think we have competitive personalities and wanted to prove to ourselves and each other that we could do it, because the love was always there. No regrets in sticking it out. We have our moments, but we’re a strong team now.