I’ve (38M) been with my partner (38F) for 13 years, married for 11. Up until about a year ago, we were a supremely happy couple. We were best friends before we started dating. We went through nearly 2 years of long distance which really solidified us as a couple, learned all about how each other ticked due to long chats through phone/skype etc as that’s all we had. When we were together, the sex was great (as far as I was concerned). We’d go at it like rabbits when together as we knew we had limited time and this was our time to connect physically.
After we got married, our sex life did not dwindle, more we just settled into what was our normal. We have always had an active sex life, rarely going more than a couple of days without and we’re opemn and honest about our needs and continued to explore new things to spice things up. I was very content and I believed she was too. I always believed we found each other attractive, loved each other’s company, shared a sense of humour and did things together wherever possible while also respecting sometimes the other wanting to do something for them. I was happier than I ever believed possible. And I believed she was too.
Before we met, she was not very experienced (still a virgin and had kissed a handful of guys). I was more sexually experienced but I’d never had very fulfilling sex: only a couple of people where It was on multiple occasions and I was always nervous, unfulfilled and never felt like I knew what I was doing really. With her everything changed. She made me feel confident, able to open up about how I felt and with her, I found someone I really wanted to please. We became a really giving partnership and sex was just incredible. I enjoy giving her pleasure as much, if not more, that I enjoy getting it. Before we hooked up for the first time, about a week before actually, she lost her virginity. It was, by all accounts, a really good experience for her. She came, they went three times in one night and he was respectiful and she really enjoyed herself. While not many people particularly like the thought of their partners with another person, this wasn’t something that ever gave me much insecurity. I thought about it a co9uple of times during our partnership and occassionaly I would get triggered by it through dreams (I have quite vvid dreams and having deeply affecting negative dreams happens a fair bit for me). The worry about beiung inferior would never last very long though and I was always able to easily brush it off as inconsequential as far as our relationship was concerned. Everyone has and is entitled to a past and it doesn’t have to affect our present and future.
Flash forward to last year and we had our first relationship wobble. Nothing major and it was mainly due to neither of us being very happy with our jobs or where we lived and we didn’t have much cash so didn;t feel very free to adventure to brush off the cobwebs. We were both off wothout realising for a while until we realised “something is off here”. We talked about, realised nothing was off and we were being worried about the other one not being happy. She dusted herself off from this and didn;t look back. For probably a few reasons, this one affected me badly. For the first time, I thought we might not be bulletproof. I started questioning things a bit and worrying whether I was worth all of this. I have struggled with confidence and insecurity many times before, but this was mucch more profound. I began to put myself up against every other man in her past and wonder whether she ever felt hard done by, felt she’d missed out on anything, whether our marriage was one of convenience rather than passion; me being a safe easy option compared to the excitement she shared with other flings in her past. I began to ruminate on this for a long time, finding every detail about myself that was worese than her other experiences. Knowing her previous sexual partner was so much more capabale, skillful, had better stamina (we never go 3 times in one night), and made her feel an intensity that allowed her to come from penetration, a thing I cant do. Not all orgasms are equal I know and just because I also use clitoral stimulation to bring her to orgasm doesn’t mean I’m less skilled or anything, but to me it has become this bar I can’t reach because maybe it was the intensity he brought that helped her achieve this ecstasy. It has completely snowballed into believing that al her other options she had just before we hooked up were better and only we only ended up connecting because those options didn’t transpire. She hooked up with a guy at a festival just before us too. She had an absolute blast with him. She sadly didn’t get his number and tried like hell to find him online afterwards to continue the fling. She didn;t succeed. If she had done, we’d never have happened. We both met this dashing guy she developed a crush on actually after we started hooking up but barely. She communicated with him a bit but he was on the other side of the country and we were studying so couldn’t really travel. Had he been around longer, I’m convinced she’d have gone for him over me and that would have been that for us. He actually got in touch with her after she moved back to her home country stating that he liked her and I’m always convinced she must have felt a pang of regret she didn’t try harder to try things out with him.
We’ve been through it a fair few times. We’ve talked about it a lot. As I say, we’re very open with each other. She assures our sex is the best we’ve had, she’s not looking for better options, she’s always been thrilled with who she ended up with for all the reasons one should feel thrilled for a relationship. And I’m terrified she is telling me these things to make me feel better because I’m a better husband and more fun to be around when I’m confident and happy. And I’m terrified I’m not able to find the tools to enable me to believe these things and let go of the past that doesn’t concern me and has no bearing on me and us. I’m fully aware tjhat I’m obsessing over these, what should be very minor, details. She is all I want and it feels like my anxiety, my jealousy and my depression is eating away at my relationship. She always assures me she’s not going anywhere, but people can only take so much. I’ve even offered to give her space from me while I work things out and she says she doesn’t want me to go anywhere.
I am seeing a therapist (3 months in after moving from a previous therapist because we moved) and am committed to kicking these emotions (and all my other issues – jealousy being the tip of the iceberg). I’m running out of ideas and I’m just really scared and low and feel quite pathetic. Any advice on getting rid of these feelings would be greatly appreciated.
Tl;Dr: experiencing extreme retroactive jealousy surrounding my wife’s past and feelings of total inferiority after a long happy marriage experiencing hardly any of this.
Comments
First of all good on you for being so open here and vulnerable. I think therapy is a great move, 3 months in should have you feeling different in perspective. If not, maybe try another one that can help. Shop around a little. I sense a little obit of OCD. Not a doctor by any means, but you are really fixated on this topic and I can see how it can make you spin out of control and spiral for hours. That’s OCD, thinking about this obsessively without control. Something to look into, the 4 Rs. It helped me a lot.
Another thing you need to do is pivot your focus on yourself more. You are putting so much into her and you both that it may be overwhelming. Distract your mind with some fitness, get yourself into some hobbies that really interest you and get out of your comfort zone. You would be surprised how focusing on yourself can really help with the both of you, it’s healthy.
Lastly, you are focused on the rear view mirror too much. The windshield is much bigger, that’s where you are heading. Look that way. Not the rear view, she’s with you because she CHOSE you. Not them. If she wanted them she would have been with them. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, just focus on the future, if you, her, and your relationship. And don’t fixate on the rear view mirror so much.