My husband (33M) doesn’t want me (31F) to go to my sister’s bridal shower.
My younger sister is getting married in October and is having get bridal shower in August. She lives in Utah and I live in Arizona.
To fly to Utah would cost me about $270 round-trip which isn’t a problem for me. I plan to take our new baby who will be 4 months old by that time with me to the bridal shower, he is exclusively breast fed.
My husband thinks I should skip the bridal shower entirely because 1) going to the bridal shower AND wedding would be too expensive and 2) our baby is too young.
Although I understand where he’s coming from, I make enough to make it to both and I think our baby will be just fine on a one hour plane ride. I also think missing out on what could be a once-in-a-lifetime event of celebrating my younger sister getting married would suck.
Now my husband is saying I don’t consider his feelings just because I want to go to both the bridal shower and the wedding.
Would I be the AH if I did?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: My husband (33M) doesn’t want me (31F) to go to my sister’s bridal shower.
My younger sister is getting married in October and is having get bridal shower in August. She lives in Utah and I live in Arizona.
To fly to Utah would cost me about $270 round-trip which isn’t a problem for me. I plan to take our new baby who will be 4 months old by that time with me to the bridal shower, he is exclusively breast fed.
My husband thinks I should skip the bridal shower entirely because 1) going to the bridal shower AND wedding would be too expensive and 2) our baby is too young.
Although I understand where he’s coming from, I make enough to make it to both and I think our baby will be just fine on a one hour plane ride. I also think missing out on what could be a once-in-a-lifetime event of celebrating my younger sister getting married would suck.
Now my husband is saying I don’t consider his feelings just because I want to go to both the bridal shower and the wedding.
Would I be the AH if I did?
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NTA- if it’s comfortable finically.
If you can make it happen, but scrolling and saving, maybe not the best move.
Ask him to explain why he thinks it too much. Also explain that it’s your sister, and not just some other relation/friend.
NTA. It’s your sister. He needs to cut it out.
It seems like your husband is not considering YOUR feelings. Your plans do not seem unreasonable in any way. NTA
NTA. It’s nice that you can do both events. Your husband is wrong. Maybe he’s going to miss you and the baby while you’re gone to the shower but he’ll get over it. Will he be accompanying you to the wedding? I think you’re a wonderful sister to be there to support her.
No, although usually babies aren’t invited to bridal showers so double check with your sister. Is it normal for your husband to be worried about money? If not then it might be something that has happened that makes him worried.
NTA. Sounds like money isn’t actually an issue. I feel like going and spending time with family after you had a baby sounds like a good thing. Support your sister, see the fam, take a lil trip.
Why is your husband concerned about the less than $300?
Definitely NTA. You can afford it. You want to share this memory with your sister. No guilt! Hubby can enjoy a guy-weekend too.
Planes are crummy places for young babies due to germs and recycled air. Maybe compromise—you go to both but baby only goes to one. You stock up on breast milk and Dad has a bonding weekend with baby. Healthier all around.
Soft ESH here bc compromise is so easy.
NTA but nothing you shared indicated he was talking about his feelings. If he just said the extra $200 and change would make it too expensive, that’s not really him talking about his feelings. He needs to actually talk about what his concerns actually are for you to address them. If he has shared them, then those feelings need to be addressed, and maybe you aren’t addressing them.
Further, you’re right that you should be able to go, but we don’t necessarily have the whole picture either. Has he offered an alternative or meeting in the middle? Or is he just saying its not fair for you to go in general?
NTA for wanting to go, but this is a relationship and I think some info is needed and if you don’t have it, you should be curious about it too
NTA. He needs to STFU!
NAH, but I think maybe you could come up with an alternate solution.
The thing is you don’t know if your baby will be fine on the plane. Some kids do great with plane travel and some act like it’s a medieval torture machine. Plus, you’re exposing your kids to a bunch more germs. Will your kid have a good amount of vaccines by your plane trip?
Have you considered pumping enough breast milk to leave your kid with your husband so he can bottle feed him? Then you can go to the shower and address your husband’s concern about the baby being too young to travel.
If it’s not too much of an expense, it makes no sense for him to say you shouldn’t go. It’s a once in a lifetime thing and you should be there if you can swing it. It’s your sister, not just anyone! He’s wrong here. NTA
WHY does your husband this it’s too expensive?
Are there other household expenses that are more urgent? (Debt, credit cards, car repairs)
Are the expenses he shoulders the burden but feels overwhelmed by?
There seems to be missing information here.
You’re not leaving the baby so it’s not that he can’t cope.
It just seems there is missing information.
NTA tell your husband to grow tf up, this isn’t about him. What about YOUR feelings.
I will say traveling in a plane with an infant prior to 6 month shots would be a gamble for me. We chose to not travel with our kids until after those shots. We also did not travel ourselves due to risk of getting our kiddos sick.
Both my kids got RSV at around 3 months and had to be hospitalized. It was scary and I would not wish it on anyone. Watching your child struggle for breath without being able to do anything will leave a mark.
I hope it goes well and your kid doesn’t get sick. Those first months are a real fragile point. Hopefully immunity from breastfeeding is enough.
Have you asked a doctor? Also is this late August or early August? Late August is when school starts and viral loads grow a lot due to travel for kids coming to college.
Edit: I would say NAH. You both should talk about this. Is the baby putting a strain on finances you don’t know about? I have so many questions.
I absolutely hate the way people act like traveling is impossible with babies! I have had people actually reroute plans because I said I was bringing my son and they felt bad for asking me to take him so far… or even “I’ll come to you so you don’t have to stress out the baby!” 🙄
He will be okay. Give me the chance to decide if it’s too much or too far. I need some time away from home too!!
NTA, and my advice (which take with a MOUND of salt as I am not a mother, just going by what I’ve heard and what I would want with my own future baby) would be to leave the baby with your husband while you’re on the trip, as I would still be afraid of exposing the baby to all those germs on a plane, rental car, and hotel, let alone another state! Not to mention all of the people at the bridal shower. But once again that would be my thoughts, I’m not a mom and don’t fully know the statistics. I’m sure you know what’s best for your baby!
NTA. What feelings of his are even an issue here? There were no feelings expressed by him that I can find in your post. He doesn’t want you to go. That’s not a feeling.
Honestly, this is concerning. Are there other controlling behaviors? Especially ones that have appeared since you became pregnant? Many men change dramatically after their partner becomes pregnant and/or has a baby. They become controlling and domineering to an abusive degree. I’m not saying that’s necessarily what’s happening here, but I am saying you should be mindful of red flags. If there is no pragmatic reason you should not go, it’s simply him being controlling. That’s concerning.
is he always so controlling and petty?
My experience is that you can fly with an infant, just breast feed as the plane descends.
Can you drive it?
First, check with your pediatrician. Second, are you OK with him forking out $600 for a vacation that doesn’t include you? If the answer’s YES, go, and set aside funds for his solo vacation. If not, compromise, and go to the wedding in October. (Jr. will probably have had another round of shots by then.) Be a sport and take your husband to the wedding, too. (Is he excluded from a wedding in the temple?)
I feel like while your sister would probably forgive you if you missed it, she’d definitely feel and remember your absence. I also can’t help but wonder if the shoe was on the other foot if he would have no problem leaving for a bachelor party while you stayed home with the baby. Can your baby take a bottle just while you’re away while they stay with your husband? If your sister is ok with the baby being there I don’t see the problem. I kind of understand not wanting to expose the baby to too much germ wise, but your husband can’t expect you and baby to stay in a bubble and miss important family events. Anyway, NTA and I hope you guys can come up with a solution where you’re both happy and you get to go support your sister
If you go, bear in mind that babies have very tiny eustachian tubes, and the changing pressure as the plane descends can be extremely painful. If it’s an hour away by air, you might consider driving to save the baby a potentially painful experience.
NTA. He sounds controlling. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t want to take a baby that young on a plane or to a large gathering. He won’t have had all his shots. The altitude changes mess with ears and cause earaches.
If you can, leave the baby with your husband and a supply of breastmilk.
Consider his feelings? Is he 9 years old? Fuck this guy. Go to both. And tell your dumbshit husband to go watch cartoons and shut the fuck up.
You should leave the baby out of one…. the bridal shower, maybe let the baby skip….
Babies and kids usually aren’t at bridal.showers…is it only about the money being spent or do your husband have concerns…..
Going alone on a plane ride with a baby can be a lot as well..
His feelings? His feeling that you, who are comfortable paying for & traveling to going to your sister’s bridal shower, skip this once in a lifetime (fingers crossed) important family event? How about if he’s concerned, he comes with and help with the baby? How about he think about your feelings & support you in sharing this important event with someone you love very much.
NTA
Are you pumping? Cause then you could pump and leave the baby at home with him if he’s so worried about the baby flying.
Or maybe he wants to drive with you?
This is important to you & there is no financial or safety reason (as long as the pediatrician okays it) that should stop you. His unfounded discomfort based on nothing but vibes should stop you.
NTA if you can afford it.
I’d be more concerned about taking a new baby on the plane given the amount of illnesses around lately. I’d also get permission to take baby to the bridal shower, all I’ve been to have been strictly child-free. Don’t go against your sister’s wishes if she says no.
You wouldn’t be. That’s your baby sister, if you are sure that you can afford it then I say go for it. Leave baby home if that makes husband happier, that way you get to enjoy yourself and relax as well. Start introducing bottle with husband and baby, their bonding will grow by that as well.
The only way I can see it being an AH move is if you are a SAHM with no savings and no income for yourself and living solely on your husbands income, because if that is the case then you need to make a joint decision. Though, by the way you’ve written your post, it does sound like you have your own money.
He’s not just some dude he’s your husband, and father of your baby. I think you’d be TA just for taking your little baby on a plane when you don’t have to. His father has no say in that at all, really?? Well you’ll only have yourself to blame when he gets sick.
Also who is going to be watching your baby during the bachelorette party?? Surely you don’t think your sister wants little baby there, come on
One hour plane ride? So just drive it
NAH/NTA for the reasons you stated, but airplanes are absolutely packed with germs and that is not a safe place to bring a baby so young. I know it’s hard to miss out on something so important, but you know you have to take care of your young child before everything. What if he gets sick from the trip to the bridal shower and you have to miss the wedding entirely (or worse)? alternatively, would you two be able to plan for your husband to be able to take care of baby while you go to the shower?
Yes, you would be the AH.
You’re being selfish and only thinking about yourself. You’re ignoring your husband and doing something because you want to.
It’s your sister’s special day and she doesn’t need you showing up and distracting everyone with a baby.
You’re supposed to be an adult and you should start acting like one.
4 months on an airplane without their 6 month shots, covid is still a thing even though we pretend its not and, measles going around. Throw in airplane ear yikes good luck
The air pressure in the plane might not be safe for a baby that young. Their organs are sensitive and their skulls aren’t fully hardened either, so there may be more pressure on it or something, idk. But it’s not unheard of to bring a young baby on a plane so i may be overthinking. Everything else is probably fine though.
I’d ask if your sister is OK with your baby there. Would she see it as potentially having the family meet your child and shifting the focus from celebrating her upcoming wedding to everyone wanting to meet baby?
I think that’s what you need to ask yourself. And be very honest to yourself how you would feel if someone did that to you. Your sister might not want to say no and sound petty, but it is her bridal shower not “come meet OP’s baby”.
I would drive and leave the baby with a family member for the bridal shower, that way it’s not exposed to a huge group of people. Also, it keeps the focus on the bride
Why don’t you attend through video chat?
I think it’s rich that your husband is accusing you of not understanding his feelings when that is very obvious what he is doing.
Actually, a nursing baby is sometimes easier to travel with than a toddler.
Dude.. it’s your baby sister.. I’d say to you, if I were him.. let’s all go! Then he could watch the baby while you all are doing the baby shower.. personally I’d hang close, not super close, in case the baby needed to be fed or something, just to give you a little freedom. Family is forever
NTA. This is for you to decide. But honestly, a bridal shower isnt a big deal. A year from now, no one will talk about the shower or remember the shower
Yes, you’ll be the AH.
Please consider his feelings.
You are now a mother.
Take care of your child.
Instead of partying.
That’s for single girls.
I wouldn’t travel with a baby to attend a bridal shower . The plane ride is gross enough but then always having to make sure that people are washing their hands or passing him around like a football, nope. I understand you want to ho but really think if your baby HAS to go. The new Covid strain makes your throat feel like you swallowed razors. Measles are back because we’re becoming a third world country. Think.
I would tell him he doesn’t get to decide if attend a family event. Your baby is at the prefect age to fly. Young enough to not be grabbing and touching everything and still sleep lots and have built up some immunity though i do agree without any vacinations is a bit of a risk. Are you sure he just doesn’t have fomo and dislikes you doing anything he can’t attend. It not like it is a friend or distant relatives bridal shower, it’s your sister!
Surprise! The AH is your husband, who needs to shut the hellup and consider what is best for his wife and child.
NTA
Well, if it were me, I would not take a four-month-old on a plane filled with stranger’s germs. Not to mention the change in ear pressure will probably make the baby cry, because it hurts.
NTA, but he probably isn’t crazy about the baby going either.
That’s your sister. Hubby can get bent. NTA.
NTA- considering his feelings doesn’t automatically mean you have to do what he wants you to do. If you can afford it no problem I don’t see why you would miss out on something this important for your sister.
My sister in law did the same thing with her baby and a girls trip. Took the little one with and was totally fine. I’d definitely look into why he’s so adamant you don’t go. Does he get along with your sister? Is he worried about the little one traveling so young? If there’s no other argument other than finances (which you said were no problem) sounds like he’s just trying to be controlling.
I would check with your pediatrician and get their opinion. Whooping cough and measles are going around again and this can be deadly for an infant. Your pediatrician may want to give a vaccine early or may not recommend travel.
Can your husband come with you?
Its his kid as well and he ahould be able to care of your child for a few days while you are away. He really needs to.step up. ITS YOUR SISTER
NTA if you can afford it. It’s your sister.
Honestly the best bet here is bringing your husband along
Consult your pediatrician. If the doc backs you that should ease his fears. And you will have demonstrated your concern for your baby and your husband. Which I don’t doubt but might help anyway.
YTA. This is a 2 yes situation. Secondly, you’re exposing your 4 month old to any number of illnesses from minor to deadly from strangers on the plane, in the airport and at the shower.
YTA
You have every right to go and celebrate with your sister. You say that financially, you can afford it so that’s not the issue which great, however, the cost of your flight is not the cost of this bridal shower trip. There’s going to be a gift there’s going to be cost of staying. There’s going to be food so saying it’s $270 is a bit of a downplay on your part.
Your biggest problem is that he is not comfortable with you flying with your infant on a plane. And that is a decision that you and he should be coming to together. You are not more entitled to a say so in your child care then it’s father. You plan to take your infant on a plane out of state And the father objects to that. Unless your husband is just controlling,which you did not say; and doesn’t like your family and doesn’t want you around your family, which you don’t say, then there should be more consideration to what the actual concern is.
This decision requires more discussion and a compromise not a unilateral decision. And you are planning to fly and bring the baby in order to attend the wedding.
No. NTA but taking a fresh baby loaf travelling- not a good idea.
Your baby’s wellbeing needs to be your priority 🤨
NTA- he needs to stay in his lane.
Is he always this controlling?
Is he always trying to isolate you from your family?
Does he work? Work FT?
Are you the breadwinner?
Like you said once in a lifetime opportunity! If you’re willing to take the baby and spend the money! Why Not? Ask him wouldn’t he want to do same for his family or friends!
Plane rides are inherently unfair STRESSFUL for babies and sometimes even painful for babies
I gotta say, I’m gonna side with your husband. Traveling with a four month old? Not a great idea. I mean, how much are you even gonna enjoy this? If you really want to to the shower, which is fine, arrange for someone to watch the infant while you’re gone, and pump a ton of bottles.
Your husband is right – you don’t consider his opinions and feelings when they are juvenile. Nor should you!
But it would be interesting to ask him WHY he has these feelings.
Is it money concerns because his family wasn’t secure financially growing up?
Is it abandonment issues because of past history?
Is it unfamiliarity with the concept of a close family because that wasn’t his experience?
What would he say if you asked him to come along? Could he hang out with brother-in-laws, groom to be & his family, or even just do something he likes that’s nearby?
My baby flew 2 times before she was 4 months. It’s not too young and your husband is being controlling.
Babies on airplanes. Poor little thing will be beside itself.
NAH. This is a parenting decision, not a decision about a baby shower. Taking a 4 month old baby on a plane is a big risk, in my opinion. I would only do it in an emergency, and a bridal shower isn’t an emergency. Keep the baby home, avoid germs your kiddo isn’t yet vaccinated against, and have someone Zoom you into the shower. The wedding is far more important than the shower, and your baby is far, far more important than all of it.
YTA
For wanting to take a baby on that trip unnecessarily. Since husband is a stay at home dad, and you insist it’s affordable, plan to pump extra and leave the baby at home or watch the event via zoom.
You work, it’s your money. Go see your sister! Your husband is being ridiculous or controlling. Perhaps both. There’s a time and a place to be “budget-conscious” but I don’t think family events are times to be cheap.
This would be rough with a baby. I know you want to be there for your sister, but I think the timing just isn’t good. Send a nice gift, and plan to rest and recover so you can attend the wedding.
My mom pushed my husband and I to bring our new baby to my cousin’s wedding an hour away. It was miserable. Babies require so much stuff, breastfeeding takes so much time and energy. I spent the majority of the wedding pacing with him in the hallway, the majority of the reception in the bathroom breastfeeding. I barely saw anyone, I wasn’t part of anything, I felt lonely, isolated and stupid for being there. Luckily we went in the van with my parents and my sister and brother in law. So I had many adults to help with everything.
Well, husband isn’t considering your feelings either, is he?
I took our 8 month old to Thailand. Traveling with a young baby is the best. It was easy. We just stuck a boob in his mouth when he cried 😂
NTA
One question, if it was his best friend would he attend both? Even I can answer that one. He most definitely would! This is your sister. If you can afford it, attend both.
NTA.
Just a bit of warning though, we’ve been having some measles outbreaks here in Utah. I, personally, wouldn’t travel with a four month old. I would wait until your baby has at least had their six month shots. You won’t have measles protection by then, but they’ll have whooping cough and RSV which are important.
NTA! Perfect time to introduce your baby to the entire family! That’s what family events are all about! Why is the cost a problem for your husband and not you? Best wishes! Blessings 💞🙏
NTA. We flew from Europe to the States when our son was 10 weeks old. The baby will probably sleep through the ride.
I wouldn’t travel on a plane with an infant until they had their 6 month vaccinations.
Please buy the extra seat and put baby in it while flying. Here’s a link that calculates weight in a sudden stop. (Then put your dog’s or purse weight in. Kurgo sells crash tested harnesses.)
https://www.omnicalculator.com/physics/car-crash-force
NTA. If it were me I’d fly with baby. It’s a short flight. If needed you put a scarf or mask on baby. But since you’ll likely go mama bear on anyone getting too close I don’t see much of an issue.
Can daddy care for a 4-month old baby? Maybe it’s time he found out. Go to the wedding and bridal shower and let him care for his child.
Toss him out in the bath water and try again! Joking but no you’re nta!! He is here
He is the AH NOT you!
NTAH. He is.
My first impression is he is either cheap (you said you can afford it) or he is trying to keep you separate from your family (which could have a bunch of reasons either nefarious or narcissistic).
NAH That’s your baby so you should probably come to an agreement. I wouldn’t do that to a 4mo.
YTAH. No one, I repeat, no one, wants an infant at a Bridal Shower. It’s inappropriate and a nuisance to everyone. It is an adults only event.
Stay away from the shower and just go to the wedding.
I agree with your husband. You should miss the shower. Baby care will dominate the event.
You mentioned in a comment that your husband is a SAHD. Maybe he’s feeling alot of anxiety at the thought of your baby being so far away from him/home and for such an extended period of time.
Have you guys discussed him going on the trip too?
NAH. Your husband’s concerns are valid, but your desire to celebrate your sister’s wedding is also important. It sounds like you’ve considered the financial and logistical aspects, and you’re confident you can manage both the travel and caring for your baby. Ultimately, it’s your decision, and it’s okay to prioritize family events, especially significant ones like a sister’s wedding.
Skip the flight and drive instead. Way too many germs on a plane with a 4 month old who lacks a robust immune system.
Taking a four month old infant on an airplane twice is really dangerous. Measles virus can linger on surfaces and in the air for 2 hours after an infected person leaves. I dont think your husband’s concerns are about money. I would pump and freeze and leave baby at home.
It’s your sister. NTA. I’d do it for my sister. Hell, my sister and her husband flew 2000 miles for my wedding when their first baby was 3 weeks old. And sister had a c-section.
Make sure your husband understands how important this is for you/your sister/your family. ❤️
You really want the opinion from a bunch of internet strangers to tell you it’s up to YOU and NOT your husband. I had yo go back and check your ages as this sounded like a teenager.
YTA. why would you not include that your husband offered to take care of the baby so you can go to the shower in your original post?? i only found this extremely important info in a comment. obviously his main concern is the baby, but ur post made it seem like he doesn’t want you to go because of finances, which isn’t an actual problem. i think he most likely mentioned finances as a last ditch effort to keep baby home, and you latched onto that instead of focusing on his concerns about taking your 4mo on an airplane (which are completely valid, and should be taken seriously). he should have a say in this too, and there is such a simple compromise that you’re refusing to make.
Roses are red,
Violets are green.
Stop being such
An attention queen.
Wouldn’t you ENJOY spending a night with your sister more if you had zero responsibility? If your husband isn’t working right now it seems like a win win situation for him to keep the baby at home with extra breast milk. I know a lot of people fly with a newborn but that’s only because they don’t have the choice you have. At the very LEAST give your husband this option.
Considering someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you have to do what they want. Your feelings are valid too
NTA – if it’s affordable to you, go!
This is your sister. Unless he thinks it’s dangerous to go, he doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on.
I’m not American so I don’t know if he has any recourse on taking the baby interstate when he objects to it. But if he thinks baby is too young, maybe he should go too? Why doesn’t he help and go with if he’s so concerned?
NTA
If the cost of traveling to both would cripple your family budget, then I can see where he’s coming from. If the cost is more like a surprise car repair that will work out over a few months or even the year, then go.
Your sister won’t have many moments like this to celebrate together. Four month Olds are finally at the sturdy stage where they are still helpless but not newborn fragile.
I would ask husband what else is behind this push for you not to go? What are his concerns?
Then I’d share what I could to calm him and still leave.
I hope you enjoy yourself.
He wants to be heard. Validated.
OP: sorry, but there’s a lot of reasons I agree with your husband on this one. It’s not about the money obviously you make enough money but it’s about taking your baby on an airplane… And then what? I’m on your husband‘s side on this one and I understand how bad you really wanna go but you need to do a lot more thinking about it.
I would be concerned about the health of the baby to go on a plane at 4 months. But maybe you have e bigger issues around money than just this one trip
Does your sister know you’d be bringing your baby to the bridal shower? It’s supposed to be about her, and young babies will always steal the focus…
Just because your husband can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean he he doesn’t get a say, I think YTA for not listening to him on this one
It’s only a bridal shower ,.. for maybe a few hours ? When your going to the wedding anyway ? Is it worth the hassle
Does he say why? If it is “too expensive” but “you can afford it”, what does that mean to him.
I’ve heard it is best to explore these conflict with curiosity because clearly, if you can truly afford it (I assume this means that you aren’t in debt, each have a good salary, and have a good emergency fund that has nothing to do with the trip?)
NTA. She’s your sister. You’re not going to every shower, you’re not traveling for a bachelorette party. And.. you can afford it! Is he sad he won’t see the baby for a few days? That he won’t see you for a couple days? Does he have FOMO?
Go. Celebrate your sister! And have a great time!
Updateme