Hi everyone long time listener and I love everything y’all do! I have a problem that recently arose and I need advice on how to deal with this because I don’t want her in my house anymore. Sorry for grammar mistakes and anything else. I’m dong this on my phone.
My father-in-law unfortunately and unexpectedly, passed away on a major holiday last year and left a big hole in my family. His wife, my husbands stepmom (SMIL), was distraught and still is. It wasn’t anything we anticipated and especially having it happen on a major holiday was a big blow. She’s been slowly going through his accounts and closing out what needs to be closed out and adjusting everything else. She recently realized that she couldn’t find one of my father-in-law’s accounts and hadn’t gotten the payment for it. So she called other family members of my father-in-law to see if anyone there got it and they all said no. She then called my husband and then his brother asking if either one of them had gotten the money. My husband said no. And when she talked to my BIL he said no. She then told him the only one left who could have it was his mother, also my husbands mother and FIL ex wife. BIL said that she would have told him (he is definitely beyond all doubts the golden child in MIL eyes).
Now. FIL had the account as Pay on Death. Which overrides a will. He had overlooked changing the name or thought he had.. I’m not sure. So when SMIL closed out the account all the money went to MIL who he hasn’t been married to in almost 20 years…. When BIL asked her if she got a check she played dumb before admitting she had the money. She has had it for 5 weeks and never told anyone… This is why I put stole on parenthesis. If you look at the legality of it it’s her money I guess. But morally, and as a good “Christian” woman she claims to be, I believe she is majorly in the wrong. My FIL WIDOW, who he was married too almost 15 years, deserves that money. MIL is apparently “very upset” that the kids are mad about this and apparently fully believes she was in the right. She had even called the bank and KNEW it was from an account that had nothing to do with her.
My BIL has been handling this. Again. His words have more weight. She is apparently trying to mandate where the money goes. “Well if it goes to anyone then the boys should have it” or “ it should go to the grand babies”. It’s all bullshit. But I also want to join in. I don’t care about my husband dealing with his own mother. I’m livid that she would do this. I don’t want her in my house. And I don’t want her around my kid. She wants to come this weekend. But I’m wanting to tell her that once I see the money in SMIL account then she can come but until then she’s not welcome. Would I be the asshole any advice is welcome!
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi everyone long time listener and I love everything y’all do! I have a problem that recently arose and I need advice on how to deal with this because I don’t want her in my house anymore. Sorry for grammar mistakes and anything else. I’m dong this on my phone.
My father-in-law unfortunately passed away on a major holiday last year and left a big hole in my family. His wife, my husbands stepmom (SMIL), was distraught and still is. It wasn’t anything we anticipated and especially having it happen on a major holiday was a big blow. She’s been slowly going through his accounts and closing out what needs to be closed out and adjusting everything else. She recently realized that she couldn’t find one of my father-in-law’s accounts and hadn’t gotten the payment for it. So she called other family members of my father-in-law to see if anyone there got it and they all said no. She then called my husband and then his brother asking if either one of them had gotten the money. My husband said no. And when she talked to my BIL he said no. She said the only one left was his mother, also my husbands mother and FIL ex wife. BIL said that she would have told him (he is definitely beyond all doubts the golden child in MIL eyes).
Now. FIL had the account as Pay on Death. Which overrides a will. He had overlooked changing the name or thought he had.. I’m not sure. So when SMIL closed out the account all the money went to MIL who he hasn’t been married to in almost 20 years…. When BIL asked her if she got a check she played dumb before admitting she had the money. She has had it for 5 weeks and never told anyone… This is why I put stole on parenthesis. If you look at the legality of it it’s her money I guess. But morally, and as a good “Christian” woman she claims to be, I believe she is majorly in the wrong. My FIL WIDOW, who he was married too almost 15 years, deserves that money. MIL is apparently “very upset” that the kids are mad about this and apparently fully believes she was in the right. She had even called the bank and KNEW it was from an account that had nothing to do with her. My BIL has been handling this. Again. His words have more weight. She is apparently trying to mandate where the money goes. “Well if it goes to anyone then the boys should have it” or “ it should go to the grand babies”. It’s all bullshit. But I also want to join in. I don’t care about my husband dealing with his own mother. I’m livid that she would do this. I don’t want her in my house. And I don’t want her around my kid. She wants to come this weekend. But I’m wanting to tell her that once I see the money in SMIL account then she can come but until then she’s not welcome. Would I be the asshole any advice is welcome!
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Maybe I’m losing it but I don’t understand what the hell I just read.
This is unreadable
I’d tell her to go to hell. She got it through a clerical error. She knows she shouldn’t have it. I wouldn’t want someone that trashy around my kids.
Typical rule of thumb, his family he deals with problems, her family she deals with problems.
Based on the general rule, he needs to say something, not you. If you just have to be in the middle, simply tell her “no visits until the estate is cleared, it’s been too much headache”. No mention of “stealing”. Also have your husband or SMIL ask for probate, that will clear up the money issue.
She did nothing wrong. He should have changed it and did it so she in entitled to that money like it or not
The money belongs to your husband’s mother. Not the step mother.
Estates are not settled by the remaining relatives voting on who they think the money should go to. There’s a reason why you put these things in writing. The estate executor’s job is not to read the mind of the deceased, it’s to execute on the written plans.
Legally, your mother is entitled to the money. It’s just like if a person forgets to change their beneficiary on a life insurance plan. Your father set it up originally that way and never thought to change it.
Morally, you may think it’s wrong and ask her to give it to the current wife. Your mom can argue that maybe he wanted her to have it. Doubtful. But I will say that ex-wive rarely would want to hand over money to the new wife. If she agrees to give it up and direct where it goes, take it as a win. Your dad should have been more careful but she is legally entitled to that money, just the same as if she was beneficiary to his life insurance.
PS did your dad dutifully pay his child support when they divorced? If not, then let it be.
ESH. You for sticking your nose in someone else’s business. This has nothing to do with you. You need to butt out. You have a right to allow anyone in your home for any reason, so if you don’t want her there, and husband agrees, then she doesn’t need to be there for any reason.
MIL did not “steal” anything. Your FIL was irresponsible and did not change his Pay on Death. He effed up, but the money is legally hers to do with what she wants.
YTA
This is a legal matter. Legally your MIL is 100% entitled to the money. You have no idea if your FIL meant to leave it that way or not. I’ve seen plenty of times where this was intentional. But the decedent never told anyone.
And this is absolutely none of your business. If the kids want to get involved, ok. But legally it’s none of their business either.
The bank can do nothing, the estate has no recourse. This passes as titled.
It’s ok to say, I have an ethical problem with you, and i need a little time to process this. And wait a couple months and see how you feel
Yes. Stay out of family affairs.
Mind your own business.
This is not uncommon at all. Unfortunately you really have no way of knowing if this was what your FIL intended as a final gift to your MIL or if he just forgot to update the registration on the account. Both are possible, even if FIL and MIL had a rocky divorce. She is absolutely entitled to the money because the proper procedures were followed.
You may do with that what you will. It is absolutely MIL’s choice where the money goes because it’s her money now, and if she gave it away, it would be a gift from herself.