My partner (30f) and I (30m) have been talking about getting engaged and subsequently married over the span of this year. We get along really great, and are a great match for each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
The one thing that is becoming clear to me is that she desires to have children. Not just one, but at least 2 if not more. Given her age, she is insistent on trying for them right away.
I have been clear that I have been on the fence about wanting children. Lately, it has become clear to me that I desire to be child free.
When asking parents or new parents how they knew they wanted children, everyone talked about having a maternal / paternal instinct of wanting a child to raise, teach, protect, love. Same with my partner, she talks about this instinct.
Maybe it’s cold feet, but through therapy I’m realizing I don’t harbor the instinct at all. I thrive in having my freedom and live beholden to no one. Having a child will absolutely be a responsibility I don’t see myself being ready for, ever.
Ultimately I know the right thing is to raise this with my gf before I propose. However given we clash so strongly on something this core, I fear a breakup might be the hard but right choice for this relationship.
Sorry internet strangers, just looking for some confirmation or alternative opinions for my position.
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Definitely don’t get engaged if you two are opposite ends of this issue. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. You will both end up resenting each other if you get married and don’t agree about this. I don’t know how long you have been together, but I think you need to have a conversation with her about how it’s a dealbreaker for you. And if you have to break up, at least you aren’t wasting any more time in each other’s lives when you have different goals. Seriously, it won’t end well.
Never, never, never, NEVER continue a relationship where the non-negotiables like this don’t, can’t, and won’t ever match.
It sucks. It hurts. It’s sad. But, if you get married, the resentment and hostility is going to grow as neither of you change your position on this, and then you’ll get divorced, with all the bitterness and anger, but then it costs you both money, asset division, whatever more time you put into this doomed relationship, etc.
I’m sorry you’re in this spot, and it sounds like you deeply care for your partner, but on this topic, you are fundamentally incompatible, and there’s just no resolution that involves you staying together.
You are incompatible on a major issue and unless she compromises her desire to have children or you, the desire not to, there is no way it can work. My daughter also does not want children and I have always told her that needs to be in the first couple of conversations if you see it going beyond a meeting. People who want children never lose that instinct and as far as I have seen neither do people who do not want children.
Def not. There is no fixing this or couples- counseling your way out of this. You are ok to not want kids. She is ok to want them. Let her go and be happy with someone who wants to be a parent.
Would be better to end things before you get kids involved particularly if you don’t want kids.
If 2 people want entirely different and incompatible things from life, they shouldn’t get married. You’re wasting her fertile time stringing her along.
I agree with all the others. Definitely don’t get engaged/married and clear this up as soon as possible.
I would say that’s a huge reason to not get engaged.
Don’t look at this as a blame/fault issue.
You both want different things, and you are both entitled to those things. You both deserve a relationship where both parties in the relationship are happy.
Not wrong at all, this is a critical issue.
You’d be wrong to harm her by marrying her.
Marriage IS becoming beholden to someone. Even without kids.
She deserves someone who wants the same things she does for a marriage and children. You deserve the freedom to be beholden to no one. It does come with the isolation of having no one beholden to you. But, if you’re not willing to sacrifice some of your freedom for companionship and community, that is valid.
Don’t marry someone if you don’t want to be married. Don’t marry someone looking to marry a father if you don’t want to be a father.
Breaking up ASAP is the responsible thing to do. I know it sucks. I’m so sorry. But if your girlfriend wants kids and is older, she deserves as much time as possible to find a partner who also wants that. Love her enough to want her to find the life she is choosing for herself.
Not only is it not wrong, but you owe it to her to tell her this ASAP.
If you love her, you won’t ask her to marry you. You need to be 100% clear with her, that you don’t want and never will want children. If you aren’t completely clear, she will think that you might change your mind. Just reassure her that you won’t hate her for not wanting to be with you.
This is your question: should I get married to someone when there is a massive chance that one of us will be fundamentally unfulfilled and not able to live what they consider to be their best life?
Of course not.
This will not work out
That’s a HUGE factor and not one that will go away. Do both yourselves a huge favor and end it now.
You have to end this relationship now. Just bite the bullet. She needs to get on with her life