I’m 27M not rich by any means but I do own a small apartment and 2 cars that have some worth. I make about $160K a year and my girlfriend (24F) and I have been together for four years like she works part time at a grocery store and does a ton around the house which I really appreciate.
The thing is she likes the nice things in life but she’s never been super motivated to earn more herself which is not a total dealbreaker but it does make me think about the long term. For the past year she’s been pretty openly pushing for marriage like I’m fine with that in theory but I also want to make sure what I had before we got together stays mine.
The apartment was mine before she moved in and all my cars are in my name and if we do get married I’d want to have something in place to keep those separate. Problem is I have no idea how she’d take it if I brought up a prenup like I don’t want it to come across like I don’t trust her but it’s more about me protecting myself after seeing what’s happened to a few guys I know.
If she refused it might honestly be a dealbreaker for me.
Comments
A pre nup is always advisable
Prioritizing financial security is a strong value you hold. Nothing wrong with that. Fewer and fewer men these days want a financially freeloading wife.
Although women’s unpaid labor adds up bc 2 income households have to hire house cleaner, day care etc it gets very expensive.
But this is important to hash out before marriage not after. Worth talking to her about for sure. We met with a social worker before marriage about 6 times to talk abojt these types of issues. It helps
> If she refused it might honestly be a dealbreaker for me.
Then ask. Not asking would be terrible in this case. Imagine you get married and were scared of the repercution of a prenup with your future wife? It would be insulting to both of you.
Or don’t get married.
Welcome to the major league. The marriage proposal.
You will do very obviously regret it if you don’t bring it up. Stick firm to your boundaries.
There are 2 things you need. A prenup and honestly a more ambitious girlfriend. You haven’t looked far and wide enough yet for the right woman for you. You’re not excited about marrying her.
I think it’s fine to do it but just be prepared for her to possibly not want to. You likely don’t see it this way and you’re not wrong but possibly she could consider it as something like you’re saying you don’t have confidence in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like that’s what your problem is though unless it’s that you don’t like paying for stuff while she works at the grocery store in which case I think you should break up because that’s likely how that’s gonna be for a while.
I think everyone should get a prenup if you have something to lose.
My hubby asked for a prenup. I wasn’t thrilled but I’m so glad we did it.
Edit: I would suggest offering to pay for her own attourney. It’s not uncommon for the person asking for the prenup to do.
Talk to an attorney about putting your pre-marital assets into a trust
It’s the only sensical thing to do
There was a recent post on this topic which recommended that the person asking (and also making more money) pay for a lawyer for the other person as they should have advice and it may be harder for them to afford good representation. But it is reasonable to want to protect what is yours prior to a marriage.
Talk to a lawyer. Prenups often are not what people think they are. Make sure you have a clear understanding of what they do and don’t do before deciding, that way you know if it’s actually with the potential results of asking.
You are by far the wealthy party so a prenup will be advised by anyone with a sensible head.
If she loves you then there is no reason at all for her to refuse.
I think the current divorce rate sits between 40-50%(fact check me please). That alone would suggest you get a prenup.
The issue could be that you never brought it up on the 4 years of dating until now. Unless Marriage is “new talk” this was a conversation for month 3.
I’d still ask and put my assets in a trust where she couldn’t touch it if y’all did divorce. My dad took on so much of my step moms debt after they got divorced. He had a lien on all of his assets including the ones he had prior to marriage. He’s my case study for requiring a prenup and asset management via a trust.
Also think of it like this. Whether or not you get one, your state has a default one for you. It can change when offices do and you’d have no say. She’ll also need her own lawyer. I just don’t see a logical reason to not get one.
sounds like you dont want to get married. if you want to keep everything separate then why bother getting married?
I’m a woman. I will say this. If I was dating somebody and had a prenup put in front of me I will sign it in two seconds flat because that would be to me the best way to say hey, it’s you. I love. I would walk away with nothing. If it didn’t work out don’t feel guilty about doing a prenup, please
I would highly recommend especially if you feel you have something to lose. Most divorces become messy so it’s best to cross your Ts and dot your Is.
Dude listen to me. Get one! I did not so learn form me
Just be upfront about it. Say you’ll also be willing to sign, the idea is once your both married your will both build etc etc
The moment you ask she will be offended and say no. Do not get married anyway
Prenups are so common now. She might be taken aback and not have a great reaction at first, but there’s no reason she shouldn’t want to sign one if she loves you. Explain to her that even though you don’t see any possibility of divorce, it will protect both of you in that situation. I’m sure you can come to some fair terms that you’ll both agree with.
If she is 100% adamant that she wouldn’t sign one, that’s just a big red flag tbh.
I have no problem with prenups. I do get why some people get upset, especially if they are religious, but i think it is 100% reasonable to protect assets obtained prior to the relationship.
My only problem is when people decide they want one after the wedding is planned. If there are already nonrefundable deposits involved, it’s an AH move. It does not sound like that is the case here since you are just talking marriage and not wedding planning.
It seems that it is time to sit down and have a real conversation about marriage. What do you both want (long engagement or short, big wedding or elope, how many kids if any, etc) and also address the prenup. Tell her you love her and want to plan your future together, but that the future always holds uncertainty and you want your home and cars protected in the even something neither of you anticipate happens.
All married couples have a prenup. That’s either the one that the state decides, or the one that the two of you decide between yourselves. Which entity do you trust more to have your best interests at heart?
Get. That. Prenup.
Just the income disparity alone would necessitate this. Given her apathy toward earning more, and her liking “nice things,” and her pushing hard for marriage, this is an absolute must.
If she throws a fit, threatens to leave, or no longer wants to get married over this, you’ll know everything you need to know. Explain it to her as I explained it to you, and you should have no problems. If you do, something is definitely up, and you should look for a more trustworthy partner.
Tell us you think your girlfriend is a lazy gold-digger without telling us you think your girlfriend is a lazy gold-digger.
Did she “like the nice things in life” before she got together with you? How do you envision being long-term, equal partners if you are so worried about keeping her hands off your property? Do you even care about being equal partners? Do you expect her to suddenly get more ambitious, work more hours, get a better job, or go back to school so she can do something useful/worthwhile? Or are you just going to give her an allowance in perpetuity, keeping her on a relatively short financial leash so she can’t get her mitts on anything of “yours”?
I don’t see this as a great recipe for a long-term, successful relationship.
Idk man, why are you marrying a person that does not meet your standards for a partner?
No
If she likes nice things then she needs to get a job that more then pays for what she is spending. You could put all your stuff in your families name. I would just keep living with her . Marriage is no longer a good deal for men.
No, you absolutely need to. If it’s “not about the money” she shouldn’t have a problem. If it’s about “trust” show her the statistics.
My opinion on this is that the point of a marriage is to pool resources, and if you have enough doubts about your girlfriend to want to ask her to sign a prenup, then you shouldn’t get married to her.
Divorce rate is close to 60% in north america assuming that’s where you are. 70% of divorces are initiated by the woman. At this point it is irresponsible to not have a prenup in place. I don’t see why it would ever be a problem if the goal is for both of you to stay together for the rest of your lives.
Be prepared to shell out 10k or more. In many states, both sides need their own lawyers to prevent a conflict of interest.
You know your deal breaker. Stick to it. Look at the numbers and you will see your odds of divorcing are 50%, and with divorces, 78% are initiated by women.
If you have all these doubts about how she would behave after marriage then you shouldn’t marry her at all probably. Prenups will work to protect you but will also break part of the trust.
You need to have a conversation about it, but keep in mind that a prenup should protect both parties. What happens to her if you leave her ten years into the marriage? Make sure you are not discounting her non-monetary contributions to the household.
What you have before marriage is 100% yours. Anyone who doesn’t want to put that down in writing shouldn’t be someone you are willing to marry. Hopefully your girlfriend is levelheaded and a simple prenup won’t ruin your relationship.
My fiancé would never ask me to sign a prenup. The only situation in which I would, would be to divide assets equally. A marriage is a partnership, even in the case of divorce. What’s yours is hers & vice versa.
If you’re not ready to share your things, you’re not ready for marriage, and quite frankly you sound completely flat and unexcited about that prospect. When you can’t imagine your life without another person, they will feel more important than your apartment. People who are deeply in love aren’t keeping score.
Sure, talk to her. Be prepared to accept that she may make demands to change it. For instance, by your own admission she does a ton around your home; you would not have the same lifestyle if you were wholly accountable for those things. And you two should probably nail down how having kids could affect things— if she’s a SAHM, the prenup should account for that.
I have no issue with prenups. I do take issue when people (who are more often than not men) fail to recognize how unpaid labor contributes significantly to their quality of life and earning potential at the detriment of the partner who does not receive a paycheck. So if you want a prenup, fine, but be prepared to be honest with yourself about the more nuanced conversation that will need to take place
In general what you have before marriage is yours and what you build during the marriage belongs to the couple. You cannot have someone sign away their rights to assets built during a marriage they contribute to. Well you can, but it’s unlikely to hold up in court during a divorce. If you are worried that she won’t contribute fairly to a marriage break up.
Breakup with her bro u don’t want to be with someone who’s a grocery store worker the rest of your life.
If she reacts super negatively to the idea, that’s already telling you something. I mean a healthy partner should understand where you’re coming from right
I get that you say it isn’t a deal breaker but I feel like 90% of people over 30 who aren’t millionaires will tell you that if her desire for nice things is not matched by her drive you should run.
I know that is not what your here for but that is a huge red flag. Prenuptial away or walk away. Either way don’t loose everything to someone who is to lazy to earn what they want.
you choose. pretty girls need high maintenance. The thing is if these pretty girls also earning alot themselves or not. She looked nice to you because she likes fine things. Now you choose her despite you know she doesnt earn much but likes nice things. She also does things around the house. Women who earn high maybe too busy for that. Ofcourse if I were her i’d be offended, like doing chores around the house are basically not free.
You’re 27, earning $160k a year with two cars and an apartment.
Your girlfriend is 24 and works part time at a grocery store.
You have, and likely always will have, a massive disparity in income. And, if you were to ever divorce, you would come out on the losing end of this disparity. Even without kids, marriage could mean that she could get half of your assets, plus alimony
You absolutely, positively need a prenup. You also need to keep all of your finances separate. This is the only way to protect yourself in the event of a divorce, which has a 40% chance of happening to you.
You really don’t sound that into her.
>she likes the nice things in life but she’s never been super motivated to earn more herself
Think harder about whether this person’s values align well enough with yours in the long term. Also, check with your attorney about whether pre nups hold up in your locale.
Never understood the argument here. I’m all for prenup/postnup. It protects everyone, not just you. They see at as you already thinking the marriage will fail. No, otherwise I wouldn’t get married at all. I see it just like car insurance. You don’t intend to get into an accident, BUT if you do, you’re covered.
Also, they claim they love you for you and don’t care about your money etc. ok cool, then sign it and prove you don’t.
If you guys aren’t eady I talk about money and prenups, then you aren’t ready to get married.
I think you sound like you’re coming from a reasonable place. One piece of advice, which may be totally unnecessary- don’t make it about gender. You two are contemplating getting married, and you want an agreement that clearly preserves some of your assets in the event that you two were to get divorced. That’s all. Don’t make it about “women do this, men do this”
Prenups are important but make sure it is fair for both of you.
Smart. Very smart pre nup. Don’t get married without it. Marriages don’t last based on statistics
I don’t know what country you’re from so I can only speak from my perspective in my country. A prenup is there to protect both parties in the case of divorce so it’s not entirely one sided and may help you get her on board with it. She needs to be represented by her own lawyer, not yours, to negotiate for her in the contract. If she isn’t represented by her own lawyer that may be grounds for a judge down the line to throw the entire prenup out the window. You may or may not like the terms from her lawyer and if you reject it or she rejects it, then there’s no meeting of the minds and no contract.
From there you can either change the terms, forget the prenup, or find a woman that shares more of your values.
A prenup is absolutely necessary. No alimoney at all. If you have kids by her and allow her to become a SAHM, you will be supporting her for the rest of your life.
Can you afford a budget for a pair of lawyers?
Go to a firm that specializes in mediation and friendly relationships. Tell them you want a friendly and easy to read agreement.
It should specify that if one of you takes a year off to do childcare, the other contributes a moderate amount to their retirement plan and necessities budgets during that time.
“I’m fine with that in theory” is not a good basis for a marriage. I think you need to back up a couple steps before worrying about a prenup.
Doesnt sound you like you have enough to bother with a prenup. If you feel the need, she’s not the one
Talk to a good lawyer or advisor. You’re just looking to protect yourself in the short term probably with some run off clauses.
Is this really what you want? Do you want a stay at home wife, who works for “pin money” and who probably won’t work after having kids, maybe not even after getting married? Or do you want a partner who is more on your level, economically?
Do you own the apt and the cars outright, or are there loans and mortgages on them?
The cars will eventually be gone, unless they’re classic collectibles that you keep in garages and only drive to car shows. The apt, however, is likely to increase in value. If you’re paying a mortgage on it during a marriage, your spouse would be entitled to some of the increase in value, since it was paid on during the marriage.
Unless that apt and those cars are extremely valuable, with no loans on them, it’s probably not worth worrying about protecting them. Also, prenups are often unenforceable.
Consult a divorce atty and see what you can do to protect the cars and apt, assuming you own them outright. Talk with her about how you want to keep those separate, protected by a pre-nup. I have a feeling it’s not going to be a dealbreaker. She’s probably making only about 15K/yr, but living pretty well, I bet, since you own an apt and cars and make 160K/yr.
USA?
Find out whether you are in a so-called “community property state”. Prenups are more important in those states.
Then get a few form prenup contracts, and read them carefully, yourself. Get a lawyer to help you understand what you read if you’re not sure.
Then, when you have an idea what you want your contract to say, you can approach her. You can pitch it as the two of you deciding, rather than generic and outdated laws deciding, what happens should you, heaven forbid, split up.
Tell her that the prenup is a condition of getting married.
Wait ….. are you guys getting married ?
Id sign a prenup in a flash no questions asked if the live of my life asked me to marry him. You never want a divorce, of course, it happens all too often though… you have a right to protect yourself. Anyone not willing to sign male,female or otherwise, is not in it for love.
Deep in your heart you know for her age she has little motivation. Being young this his her time to excel. Don’t see her getting better with age.
As the Germans say, Vertrauen ist gut, Verträge sind besser. (Trust is good, contracts are better).
Absolutely get a prenup. Imo, everyone should.
Wanting a prenup doesn’t mean you don’t love or trust her it means you’re protecting both of you from worst-case scenarios. Be upfront, frame it as a mutual safeguard, and emphasize it’s about keeping pre-marriage assets separate. If she’s reasonable, she’ll at least have the conversation. If she refuses outright, that’s a compatibility issue worth nothing
PLEASE book some sessions with a couple’s therapist. She’s an adult too lazy to work a full time job but wants the “nice” things in life at your expense. In some jurisdictions any property before the marriage wouldn’t be considered marital property in a divorce– though some states would count the income derived from the property and/or appreciation of the property as a marital asset particularly if you use comingled funds to pay the taxes, insurance or other maintenance on that property.
If you can’t bring up a prenup then your relationship isn’t in a place to be considering marriage.
I’m not a lawyer nor do I know about the subject but a prenup protects you from what you being into the marriage. Since you’re fairly young I’m assuming you don’t have millions saved up yet. The real money you’ll be making is if your marriage lasts a long time which I don’t think is necessarily protected.
Marriage is grand, divorce is 100 grand…
Protect what you’re getting into before it’s too late. Better proactive than reactive. Money is the main reason relationships fail.
I guess you’ll find out how interested she is and you or your money by asking her about the pre-nup
I think you should take her to therapy and have a therapist help you navigate some discussions to determine what your individual expectations and concerns are long term. It will be less threatening to both of you to have a moderator direct the conversation, with the ultimate goal to identify underlying concerns.
I sense that you see an incongruence between what her expectations are in terms of lifestyle (high) versus what her level of contribution is (low in cash, higher in domestic labor contribution). You need to explore what this economic inequity/inequality means to you, e.g. does it translate into putting you under too much pressure economically down the road. It’s important to make sure core values line up to determine successful compatibility. She may or may not expect a higher standard of living than what you would like. Your time and health are your most valuable resources and all of these factors need to be addressed.
The fact that you feel you need to be financially protected from her is definitely a red flag. It suggests that you already have some significant doubts.
More than half the parachutes fail. Would you jump? 75% of divorces initiated by the woman. Would you jump?
Prenups should include a children policy. Women who give up their careers and retirement earnings , no matter how low paying the job, deserve compensation in case of divorce.
Honestly if you can’t have a conversation about a prenup i dont think problem solving will be your forte in the future. You are allowed to want to protect yourself and her.
No
Everyone gets a prenup. Some people write their own, and some people let the state write it.
Prenups are supposed to protect both parties not just one. So if you keep the physical asset, house/car but she is helping maintain them then she would get a benefit ($) too.
I am the girlfriend in this situation. 2.5years together, he started (the relationship) with a house, 2 cars, a business he and his brother started, they opened a camera store in April 2024. I am adamant I want a prenup FOR HIS SAKE! He should not worry about the reasons I want to be with him. He should not worry about “what if”. I love that man for who he is. I came into the relationship living in a friends livingroom, a car that broke down a month after I started seeing my partner, and only the belongings that would fit in my car. I refuse to have anybody think I’m with him for the wrong reasons. I don’t want his brother to worry about anything either, as they are business co-owners. I don’t make much money, but I’ve worked 2 jobs before to be able to contribute to the household. He says my earning doesn’t make a difference in us being together, but for the sake of being a genuine person who cares for him and his family, I’m demanding a prenup.
Always have your own account, if you have a joint account have the money hit your account first and move to the joint one second.
I know I’m probably an outlier but I wouldn’t marry someone if I felt I needed a prenup. Possible exception for significant wealth (10m+) or family money but I feel like marriage is supposed to be combined. Finances are important but not the only part of a relationship or life. If you’re married long enough where she would have a right to some chunk of your income/assets then she’s probably put in a lot as a homemaker (maybe mother too?). I also don’t think you own enough to warrant a prenup and this post is more about how you want someone more ambitious. You don’t want to resent being the one who picks up the tab every time, maybe talk to her about future career goals?
Valid. I’m a female & would have no problem signing it. What’s yours should be yours if it doesn’t work out. Just explain it like you did here. If she’s a mature women she will understand that. I think it’s fair.
If you’re not excited to get married, she’s not the one. Ask yourself why you wanna be married to this person…..good reasons should flow freely.
Would she be a good nurturing Mother to your kids?
Is she supportive of you and your career?
Just b/c she’s not “ambitious” or focused on making money doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be a wonderful wife and life partner.
Lots of men don’t really want a woman who puts her career over her family.
The happiest marriages seem to be the ones with well defined roles. And while that may seem old fashioned, it certainly seemed to work.
As for the prenup, like U said you’re not rich. Is it worth the effort for some equity in an apartment and a couple of cars that are dropping in value??
Your focus needs to be on whether or not you want to marry this woman…..
Don’t get legal advice from randos on Reddit. What becomes marital property depends on the law of your state. See a family lawyer. She will need independent counsel.
It doesn’t sound like you love her or want to spend the rest of your life with her. Do not get her pregnant.
If you’re serious about marrying this girl even though she sounds like a bum. Give your mom or dad all your assets, so you have nothing left. Your girl doesn’t need to know, and the only time she will know is if you get divorced.
You should talk to a lawyer and lay out exactly what can and can’t be done before considering. A prenup can be thrown out of it leads to a very uneven situation, like one party keeping the home and the other party being homeless.
My personal thought here is that you aren’t compatible.
What do you do for a living?
I would wait until you at least get engaged and set a wedding date
If she’s got expensive tastes, but doesn’t want to fund those tastes herself, I’m wondering if she even loves you for you at all. You’re funding her lifestyle. She won’t like the idea of a prenup, but I would want one in your situation
She barely contributes financially to the household, is a part-time stay-at-home girlfriend, and her part-time job makes her probably close to minimum wage.
You need the most rock-solid pre-nup Earth has ever seen. If she won’t sign, you have your answer that she is probably in it for your stuff and your money.
No prenuptial, no wedding.
But a pre-nup is just the beginning of your many, many financial problems here. You need to expect better.
Are you prepared to support you both until one if you dies? Because that is what you are signing up for. She isn’t even caring for herself financially now and she sure as Hell couldn’t support you. What if you get sick? Or hurt? What if you CAN’T work? She won’t have anything that pays a living wage to fall back on. She isn’t prepared to step up and be the breadwinner if you can’t. No matter how much you make, a single-income household (which yours effectively is) is a house of cards that’s easily knocked over.
Add some kids to the mix and the financial risk just skyrockets even more.
I regret not doing so
A prenup is essential. Divorce is the worst hell, people have become homeless because of it. A prenuptial agreement should be a requirement. If she says no then walk. You have no idea what misery awaits you going through a divorce with no prenup.
You want to enjoy the domestic services that your girlfriend provides without paying the security price. Gross. Choose decent behavior. Accept her lack of ambition or pick a different partner and know that a more career focused lady isn’t going to tolerate your domestic lack of contribution. Thank you sweetie is not a security substitute.
It’s fine to ask, but you’re attitude in general here seems like you’re not so interested in marrying her and are more so marrying her because you’re giving in to what she wants. And like you’re not happy with the situation you’re in here.
I understand you’re protecting yourself but if you care about her you should also look at protecting her. It sounds like she’s financially dependent on you and doesn’t have any sort of real career, doesn’t even work full time. If that’s the case, is that really best for her? It seems like it would be in both of your interests for her to be working full time and be looking at jobs where she can actually support herself. If you’re putting her in a position where you’re enabling her not really working, while you’re also not looking to be financially supporting her for the rest of her life, that’s hurting both of you. At some point if you pull back and don’t want to support her anymore, what will happen to her? She should have some financial independence here and not be relying on you solely for basic necessities at least. Especially if you resent it and aren’t entirely happy with it.
Another factor I would mention here is kids. Usually a woman’s career takes the backseat when it comes to pregnancy, post partum, childcare when the kids are young, if they’re in daycare needing to be available if they’re sick to keep them home, take them to appointments, also sacrificing her body and health, etc. so if you plan to have kids make sure to take that into account. It doesn’t sound like you are interested in that because it doesn’t sound like you want her to be dependent on you or like you want to take on that responsibility, but I still figured it’s a factor worth mentioning.
Think of it like this- you have 2 siblings. Both parents pass suddenly without a will. You are you, you have a recently widowed sister with 3 young kids, and a brother whose a meth addict and doing 2 years for assault. Since your folks didn’t have a will, the state now decides (probate), according to it’s laws, that the 3 of you split the assets 1/3 each. This includes 2M in cash and a small paid-off house, which has to be sold.
Would your folks have wanted it this way if they had planned better and left a will?
If you divorce, do you want the state to divvy up your assets according to the laws on the books, as opposed to a thoughtful planned out predetermined scenario?
If to you she’s “pushing marriage” then it sounds like you might not be ready to marry, or maybe she isn’t the one. I’d be wondering what’s going on after 4 years tbh but that’s just me. Make sure you actually want to marry her, and if she’s mature enough she’ll understand the reason for the prenup.
If she doesn’t have a job or a job equal to yours, you say you don’t mind. But if you have been married for 15 years and all she has been doing is working low paying jobs or staying home and taking care of your home and your children she is probably going to realistically need a clause or stipulation to insure she doesn’t come out of it 15 years older and broke. If you ask for a Prenup do you really believe she’s going to let you have everything all your way? Nuh uh dude. You feel you need to protect yourself, so does she.
A prenup is something that both parties would want and ask for in a good relationship.
Someone posted a link to hoe_math on YT and I’ve been binging for the last two days. She needs to get real. One reason why I needed my space with my exGF was for me to make my own money, and not move to her city and have to find a shit job, while she made bank. I didn’t like the idea of a power imbalance.
If you’re scared to talk to your significant other…..YOU’RE….NOT….READY….FOR….MARRIAGE
Everyone should get a pre-nup.
Refusal to sign a prenup should always be a dealbreaker.
Why can’t you just do this:
Sit down with your girlfriend and have a proper conversation with her.
Ask her why marriage is important to her and be open to hearing her views.
Explain why you want a prenup and what exactly it would entail, and allow your girlfriend to explain what she thinks of it. If she’s not happy about it, ask her to explain why, and again be open to hearing both sides.
The conversation may need to continue another day if either of you want to research more about prenups and marriage after you initially bring the idea up.
If you have any other concerns, you can also bring that up, and ask her if she’s got any concerns herself.
If you don’t think having a calm conversation like this is feasible, if you don’t respect her enough to listen open-mindedly to her side, or if you don’t think she respects you enough to listen to your explanation of why you’d like a prenup, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with her at all.
As others have said: worrisome that you don’t seem to be excited about marrying this woman.
Please don’t settle. Coming from an amicably divorced 55 year old with a lot of relationship experience: there is someone out there that will knock you off your feet that you can’t imagine living without! That person will be a true complement to you – whether it’s building a financial future or contributing to a thriving household.
That said, check the laws in your state (assuming you’re in USA). Laws are different. In CA, pre-nups can be invalidated or skirted. Best thing to do is get that pre-nup, but also learn how to establish and maintain separate property. Do not commingle funds or assets. For example: the apartment is yours. But if you pay the mortgage out of a joint account, you’ve commingled funds and just made the property a community asset.
Think long and hard about marrying this person. You’re young. Honestly, she’s too young. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed into marriage just because it’s the next step and life right now is “good enough.”
It’s confusing that you ask us if you should ask her, but then say if she said no it’d be a deal breaker.
Personally I think prenups are a pretty bad idea. A marriage is a relationship, not a busy deal. Not trusting your wife is a much bigger deal than not trusting your business partner.
When my wife and I got married, we no longer had personal property. We both owned everything either of us owned. That’s how it should be, not this “this was mine, this was hers”. Sure, it makes the divorce easier, but that seems like a poor thing to plan for.
If you feel like you need a prenup because of how your girlfriend is, you probably shouldn’t be marrying her.
No. It would be smart.
You can, but also consider if she is really the kind of woman you want to marry.
The way you describe her reeks of disdain (for her job and lack of ambition), so maybe dont get married to someone you dont respect. A marriage partnership where one person is the earner while the other person keeps the household humming can be fruitful for both people, but only if you both agree to those roles and respect what the other person brings to the table.
If you see her as a gold digger who is lazy, unambitious and don’t see her contributions to your shared home just as valuable as your monetary contributions, then you will have an unequal power imbalance and you shouldn’t marry her.
Well does she do other things besides just liking nice things ? Does she cook , clean your apartment ? Does she want a family ? Does she listen when you ask her to do things ?
I don’t care about a woman’s ambition, if she does the other things I just mentioned.
But if she’s not ambitious, but also doesn’t want to cook, doesn’t really want kids, is disagreeable, and is pushing for marriage ? You’re setting yourself up for a giant headache
A prenup is wholly fair. First off, wealth is relative so I would not scoff at being careful about real estate assets that you have, whatever their value. This is stuff you worked hard for and you need to be smart about protecting them. She is not entitled to any assets you had prior to the marriage. A clear delineation of what is a marital asset and what is not a marital asset is the right way to go. If she balks, do not marry her.
I don’t get it, no prenup => dealbreaker and asking if it would bad idea to ask it
This is really simple. If you and the girlfriend decide to spend a life together, enjoying each other….old school,as it were….til death do us part….just get married and grow old together.
If you feel the modern definition of marriage is more your style, marriage until it gets hard for one or both, then divorce…..so much so that you feel a prenup is necessary….then why get married at all? Just keep playing house. If she is depending on you to be the principal breadwinner, she will either settle for the status quo, or look for greener pastures. Which is the same thing she will do with a prenup in place.
If she loves you, then a prenup won’t matter.
Have a Sunset clause in your prenuptial agreement; it provides a built-in expiration date after which the agreement ceases to be effective.
No alimony.
Marital Residence remains yours, not hers.
You could, also, include a clause about the marital residence passing to her in the event of a divorce if children are involved.
Or about splitting the value of the equity increase of the home after marriage.
Infidelity.
A prenup shows that she loves you more than money……I have done it and let me tell you, saved me thousands of dollars on the divorce and years of fighting. Is it pleasant to talk about, no, but if she really loves you; money shouldn’t matter.
My now husband didn’t sign a prenup and his first marriage took 7 years to finish…..mine 4 months. Just shows you what a prenup can do. We signed another prenup for this marriage and let me tell you he jumped at the opportunity.
I look at it as a test, if they love you they will sign. If they don’t sign, they don’t really love you.
I think it is necessary to sign. lt is always rightto protect your rights. You are afraid becauseyou are afraid of losing her, but girls admirestrong men. As long as you are strong enoughand valuable enough, she will be afraid oflosing you. This is the best way.
Are you or she going to inherit anything when your parents die? A prenup will insure you get none of that.
You could instead have separate bank accounts and things in your name like your cars and your home, though if you put her on the deed and later on you need a heloc, your rates might be better if there are two working people with good credit.
Why not have a conversation about the future, since she’s brought it up, about credit scores and saving for the future?
My wife and I had this discussion 40 years ago when we were considering marriage, and this is how we dealt with it. No prenup. We discussed a prenup.
Love and finances should be kept separate
Most of your income is forward income, and your net assets while very nice, could be seen as a decent down payment on a house. I just don’t know how much of an actual advantage you are getting here. If you had very large bequeathments coming your way or trust funds, I’d say you have a serious concern.
If you do a pre-nup, it should be done in step stages up to a full or partial nullification. Most people don’t reach 2 years. And that 7-10 years is not easy. After 20 years you are clearly very comfortable and have weathered storms as kindred and close spirits
If girlfriend loves you then she will sign the prenup. You are making a wise move to have a prenup especially if you plan to follow thru and marry a woman who is not compatible with you financially or goal wise.
You might want to rethink marriage because her lack of ambition or desire to improve herself will likely lead to resentment for you.
I am female and I would NEVER get married without a prenup!
Brother protect your assets and your income. The sweetest people get vicious in divorce.
My two cents is that it isn’t bad to ask for a prenup. And if you’re considering marriage, figuring out things life matters like money are critical.
I don’t think it is as simple as making sure what was yours before stays yours, especially if there are comingled funds post marriage. What if you wanted to refinance the apartment and needed to use post-marital assets?
My recommendation is to have the candid discussion as to what you expect from her as to her career, earnings, etc. What are your respective roles? Do you expect her to get a full time job and develop her career? Do you want kids? Do you intend to keep your finances separate post-marriage as well? What happens if you lose your job? Or you get sick and cannot work short term, long term, temporarily, permanently? If the premarital property is covered by a prenup, and you pass unexpectedly (God forbid but it happens), who inherits?
Before jumping into marriage, I recommend getting on the same page.
The reality is, over 50% of marriages in North America end in divorce. The tradition has been lost, values have been corrupted and people just change.
A prenup is settling everything in advance while you still love each other and want the best for each other, assuring you won’t go after their assets, and they won’t go after yours.
Example of a prenup that looks out for you and your SO in the event of divorce:
Every asset owned prior to the relationship is solely owned. (This negates anyone marrying for money on either side).
Joint bank account is to be formed where each partner contributes an agreed upon amount that is distributed back at the same rate. (This adjusts for a “breadwinner” situation. If the lesser income earner is contributing 30% of their income, they receive 30% of the shared account, pro-rated. They may make money here, but they worked just as hard).
Every asset purchased from the joint account is sold or divided 50/50, if not agreed upon within 14 days it is to be sold and money is divided 50/50. (This makes things easy and makes sure neither party accrues additional costs in court fighting over “who keeps the couch or the dish towels”).
Assets purchased with personal bank account is kept by purchaser. (Your SO bought their dream car with money they’ve set aside, while keeping the joint account topped up and bills paid? Sorry, you have no access to this car in the event of divorce! Why should you? This keeps things from becoming unreasonably messy and vindictive).
God forbid there is children involved, both parents must live within a 50km radius of the children’s primary school district until the age of 18 or give up joint physical custody for visiting arrangements. (In this event, YOU BOTH signed up to be parents first the moment you had a child. This means you negate job opportunities that are far away, negate your new partners wish to pick up and move to a new city. All because you are a parent first, and the child comes first. Their parents already split, now you want to move them away from their friends? Some people are very selfish, this ensures that does not happen).
Clause cancellation
Abuse
(If you abuse your partner, mentally or physically, proven beyond reasonable doubt, protection from the agreement is lost for the guilty party).
Infidelity
(If you cheat on your partner, mentally or physically, proven beyond reasonable doubt, protection is lost for the guilty party).
Everyone should have a prenup
In most places you can’t prenup your way out of the marital home being a 50/50 asset.