I need an outside perspective for what I’m feeling lately. Preferably from a woman but I will gladly take any advice.
I’ll spare the details. A car accident a couple years ago caused me to lose a large potion of my intestines. My surgeon has informed me that it is highly likely I will pass in my 40’s.
In the meantime, I still have the desire for love, marriage, and to have children. However, I cannot seem to feel OK with pursuing that life given my circumstances. If I love a woman enough to marry her and start a family, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for doing that when I knowingly will leave her on her own so soon in life.
Short-term dating has not been desirable for me, but long-term dating seems like the wrong decision in the end. Can I get some advice/perspective on this?
TLDR: Is it ethical for me to try to date to marry when I will likely die in my 40’s due to a health condition?
Comments
Why/how exactly has it been determined you’d likely die then? Wouldn’t you die in the next couple years if it were really gonna kill you?
You don’t know for certain you’ll die in your 40’s. There may be medical advances in the near future that could completely resolve your health problems. I would be honest with any partners, tho, before the relationship turns serious. That way they can make their own decision.
Wow this is a really interesting discussion. I’ve (f, 30) always been a “pursue love at all costs” even if it’s impractical. I personally do think you should date and pursue a longterm relationship but it may take a little more time to find a partner who is on board with loving and losing. There are many ways to set your family up for success before you pass and even leave behind gifts and memories for them for years to come. I really think you should find and enjoy love!
Imo if you are upfront about your condition from the get go it really isn’t unethical to date or pursue long term romance, that’s still 15+ years of time to live and love. I’m sorry this diagnosis is cutting your life short potentially, but also there’s no reason you should have to miss out of love due to this. You deserve love and life as much as anyone else! Personally I think kids in this situation might not be as realistic in this sense, especially since you know you’d be leaving them to a single parent in the near future. But also there’s a lot of nuances to consider and I’m just a stranger on the internet. If you were to get into a serious relationship with someone then that’s a more intimate conversation to have. But also modern medicine is amazing and you never know what the future holds. For now my personal advice is to still get out there and meet people, be honest but also open, and allow partners to decide if this is a path they are willing to take. My boyfriend’s family has a history of ALS and there’s a 50% chance he could also have the gene and die younger, I knew this but I still choose to be with him. To me it’s better to love and loss than to never love at all. While you’re here on this Earth you gotta make the most of it ❤️
I think you should be upfront about your condition and let others decide for themselves.
My friend, you deserve to love and be loved as much as anybody else. You could fall in love with someone perfectly healthy and they could get hit by a bus in a week, nothing is forever. As long as you are honest about your health concerns, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
At the end of the day, none of us know how much time we have left. We’ve all heard stories of people beating the odds on their medical conditions; we’ve also heard stories about untimely deaths. I think if anyone finds someone that they can love for the rest of their life (regardless of how long that is) it’s a beautiful thing.
it may be a bit selfish… but so what? its literally your only life to live and its also really unfair to have to face what you are facing, let alone have to feel forced to sit on the sidelines of life. i bet you will find someone who loves you and wants to share a life with you regardless. also, any of us could die tomorrow by being hit by a bus or anything. tomorrow is never promised to anyone, i say make the most of your life
Are you sure you understood your surgeon correctly? There is so much you can do without the majority of your intestines…if worst comes to worse you have a colostomy/ileostomy and a central line and live off TPN (total parenteral nutrition) for a looooooong time. Especially if you’re otherwise healthy. And like others have said you never know what advances will come up by the time you’re in your 40s.
What is the exact reason that your surgeon said that to you?
If you want to then yes, but make sure you mention it ahead of time. Also consider starting investments and saving money for the family you may have. If possible take out life insurance to insure they don’t suffer financially in your passing
My mom died of colon cancer at 50. Any of us could die early. That being said, the cancer that killed her 20 years ago is much more treatable today and she could survive with new technology. You don’t know what things will be like in 20 years, a lot can change in that time.
I would definitely tell people you date about your diagnosis and what happened. But I would not frame it as “I have twenty years to live.” More like “I’m at risk of complications that could shorten my life span.”
Because that actually is more accurate. I have a different time believing a doctor would really tell anyone “You have 20 years to live” since doctors tend to avoid talking in those terms, and it’s such a long period of time to know.
I think it’s perfectly fine if you are honest and upfront about your condition, but on the children part I think that’s where I lean towards that being selfish
15 years of a loving, caring, great relationship is more than some people get in a lifetime. I think you have every right to pursue a long-term relationship (of course, be up front about your prognosis). As for kids, there are people who freeze their sperm before they die so their widows can decide later whether to bring their child into the world. So I say let the eventual partner be in on the decision about kids.
Pregnancy is a huge strain on the body including the abdomen. Are you sure it is safe for you to carry a child?
Everyone deserves to live a full and rewarding life where they pursue what brings them joy for as long as they are able to. The idea that you should deny yourself this because you have a health issue is absurd…. and if your medical issues were congenital and something you‘ve always dealt with, as opposed to the result of an accident that happened in adulthood following years of you assuming your medical prospects were “normal“, I doubt this would even be a question for you. The reason you’re questioning it now is because, like most people, you’ve got some very deeply ingrained ableist notions… a borderline eugenicist idea that people who don’t have typical bodies shouldn‘t fully participate in society and shouldn’t reproduce.
Put yourself out there. Live your life. I’m sorry to hear that you have health problems but so do hundreds of millions of other people, and every single one of them deserves to be happy. If they’re problems that you believe could significantly alter the life of a potential long-term partner, then you should probably disclose your situation to new partners before the point where you’ve both made a serious commitment… but live your fucking life. None of us know how long we have left… not you, and not anyone you go on a first date with, even if they have no health issues at this time.
One of my uncles found out he had leukemia when he was in his twenties. He figured he’d die young, broke off an engagement because of it. He lived a full life until he was 63.
I think you could date, marry, and possibly even have kids if you want. If you’re upfront when dating, people who don’t want to face the possibility of a partner having a finite lifeapan weed themselves out. But I think there’s a good chance of you meeting someone who will want you in their life even though you have a poor medical outlook. I’m a little fuzzy on if it’s fair on children, but that’s a different discussion.
You deserve to be happy and live a fulfilling life, regardless when it may expire.
There have been many many people who have lived many years past their time, so don’t lose hope or give yourself a determined date.
I personally believe that as long as you are transparent with the person you plan to be with, it is not an unrealistic goal.
OP I had a whole thing typed out but all I can say is, don’t fear love not lasting forever. It won’t last forever in this world regardless. In the next? That’s something we all have to decide for ourselves. Even if you live til 50 and pass, I know a lot of people I’ve spent less than 24 years loving and I’m grateful for every millisecond we spent together.
If you find a woman she is happy to be with you knowing your health condition, take that love and cherish her all the more for it. Don’t push her away and rob both of you of that joy now because you fear sorrow later. Living in fear isn’t living at all.
I will give you my opinion as a 21-year-old woman, married to my high school sweetheart of 5 years!
I would absolutely still look for a long term love. Just be open with her about the possibility of your early termination, and DO NOT be afraid to talk about it. It is 100% important to discuss plans regarding children, medical care, finances, her ongoing relationship with your family, and her eventual “moving on.” (Not that she’ll EVER be “over” you, she will just gain a new love eventually).
If everyone is honest, we could all die tomorrow, no matter our age. My own husband could prematurely expire, as could I. That shouldn’t be a reason not to live life and love others.
Bless you, brother. May God take care of your soul now and after.
You don’t have an expiration date tattooed on your ass. Go live your life, it’s the only one you’ll get.
20 years is a long time to get to be with someone. Also, there’s no guarantee you’ll die in your 40s. You could get hit by a car next year. There could be medical developments that let you live until 70. Just be up front with potential partners about your condition and what one doctor said and let them decide if they want to pursue the relationship with that information