I have my own family and live in a different country from my parents. It’s great and I generally maintain a superficial relationship with them. E.g. video call with my daughter every so often etc.
I suspect my mum has borderline personality disorder so we never had an emotional relationship growing up. I had low self esteem because she was very critical of me etc. I know she has her own trauma etc. but I just generally don’t like her as a person, so I do find myself easily triggered by things she says or does, even when it’s online. It being online obviously helps cos then I don’t dwell on it too much. I know she cares about me, but it has to be in her terms, in her way, through what she judges best, ignoring what you think, so it is hard for me to ever really feel loved by her.
I have a slightly better relationship with my dad but it sort of fizzled out with time and distance and I’ve sort of just lumped mum and dad together. Anyways there’s coming to visit in a month’s time and staying at my place for 2 months.
So lately I’ve started to get anxious about it because past bad events will keep coming back to me. My husband reminded me that the last time they visited, it wasn’t horrible, which was true. My daughter kept them entertained. The previous 2 times however, ended up in silent treatment from my mum, threats of suicide, blasting loud music in the kitchen etc. all while I was fresh postpartum.
I know that my mum’s behaviour will always trigger me and it takes a lot out of me not to talk back or say anything that will trigger an argument. Would therapy help or would speaking to a therapist and bringing up all those past issues make me fixate on them more? I have found that I am less happy thinking about those past events than if I just moved on with my day.
Tl;Dr: I don’t have a good relationship with my mum. She is visiting in a month’s time for 2 months. Would seeing a therapist help or would it make it fixate more on all the little things she does and make me more annoyed at her?
Comments
You can’t fix mom. You can try to fix yourself. Therapy comes with zooming in on certain things, figuring out what exactly hurts and bothers and finding a strategy so you can deal with that pain in a way that helps you. That means that you may have a phase where you are fixating on certain things, but there’s a purpose instead of just ruminating in your head going nowhere. Try journaling when those memories show up.
Also look into an air bnb near you for the visit. Your parents are people set in their ways and you are too now you have a small child. You need that down time. They can visit and then the evenings are separate. Arrange for that as soon as possible. Mom will go kaboom either way. Just tell her that you want them to be comfortable and have an adult space for themselves and don’t take no for an answer. They will object and maybe money be an issue too. The first days they’ll be on your lip and then later they will love a separate space.