Would you try to forgive and forget so LO can have a relationship with grandparent or is NC best & how to deal with SO problem?

Buckle up because there’s a lot to unpack here. I am definitely looking for advice because I either need to let it go and move forward with my MIL or I need to let it go and leave my MIL behind.

DH and I have been together for 7 years and married for a little over a year. My MIL and I had an ok relationship, not great but ok, up until right before my daughter was born in April. She has a tendency to say and do shit without thinking about how it impacts others. LO is now 3 months old.

Important context:
DH lived in MIL and FIL’s basement until his early 30’s. He moved back in with them after struggling with alcohol and didn’t move out again until 2 years into our relationship when we moved into an apartment together. We were somewhat long distance (1.5 hrs apart) for the first 2 years of our relationship due to us attending graduate school in different states. During that time, he would come visit me more often than I would visit him as I had my own apartment then.

2.5 years into us living together, DH’s father unexpectedly passed away due to a sudden heart attack. His father shoveled the driveway, came inside, and went into cardiac arrest in front of his mom. We lived 40 mins away and drove in a snowstorm only to show up to his father passed away on the living room floor. It was the dead of winter and his mom asked him to temporarily move back in to help her get through (shoveling, wood burning stove, figuring out finances, etc). His father and mother had been together since they were 20 and his dad did everything. His mom has never had to live life independently until her spouse passed. DH still attends his mom’s meetings with her financial planner and any other meetings regarding larger house projects, like getting her windows replaced. I bounced back and forth with our 2 dogs between his mom’s house and our apartment until that spring and he moved back into our apartment.

That summer our lease was up. We put our stuff into storage and moved into his mother’s house to help her prepare to sell as she wanted to downsize while we searched for a house to buy for ourselves. We were able to save money during this time but still split all bills and groceries evenly 3 ways. She decided she didn’t want to sell the house so we helped complete projects, get her through the winter months, and prepare her for the next winter on her own. Around this time DH’s drinking became an issue again as he tried to cope with his father’s death. Honestly, it’s usually around winter time/early spring and summer DH falls back into unhealthy patterns with booze. He’ll start bringing home a bottle of wine on the weekends, I’ll have a glass and he’ll finish the bottle in 2 days. Then he starts bringing home cans of wine on Friday, then Thursday, and it slowly becomes everyday he’s bringing drinks home. He’s told me he’ll likely never be sober. He’s an adult. He has to make the decision to get sober for himself so I’ve never fought him on that. He works hard, provides for our household, and is a great partner and father. He’s the kind of alcoholic that drinks at home and falls asleep on the couch by 7:30 pm. While still not healthy, it’s annoying but not volatile. Also, I’m not a sober person. I have at most 1 drink per week on Saturdays in the summer, and on holidays during the year, but that’s it. Currently though, it’s been almost a year since I drank as I found out last summer I was pregnant. I’ve always called out his behavior and he’ll make adjustments only to fall back into the same patterns. Anyways, all this to say, he fell in pretty deep while we were living with his mom and she noticed. She said she “Didn’t even realize he started drinking again, he could live with her so he could “get sober,” she’ll go to therapy with him, I don’t have to stay with him and deal with his alcoholism,” meanwhile we had already closed on our house and we were waiting for move in day. I was on his ass about it. I said right in front of her, “Get it together or you can forget about our future,” well his mommy came to his rescue and replied with, “He’s sick! He doesn’t need additional shame from you!” She doesn’t even know the extent of his alcoholism. She’s always treated me like I’m the problem because I’m to the point and upfront, but she makes excuses for her son’s issues. Well, DH did go to counseling to deal with his grief without his mommy. We lived there for 1 year and moved into our own house 30 mins away. I found out I was pregnant with our first 3 months after moving into our house (planned pregnancy) and we had LO in April.

Currently:
MIL has become absolutely unhinged as my delivery date approached (planned c-section) and after my daughter’s birth and it remains ongoing. I’ve been very upfront with DH about these issues. I feel like I’m at a crossroads and either need to cut her off or make an effort to move past it. My parents live down south and will likely see LO once a year or every other year. MIL is local and the only grandparent she could have consistently in her life. I was close with my grandparents growing up and I was looking forward to LO having a similar relationship. However, the recent events with her:

-As my delivery date approached MIL looked at my husband and asked him, not me, “Do you want me to be there for the delivery?” I looked right at her and said, “No, I don’t want anyone waiting for me to get out of major surgery,” even though she clearly wasn’t asking me and we had never ever mentioned having people at the hospital for delivery.

-I was 1 week PP and MIL stopped by our house to drop off food. While I was appreciative of that, she handed me a heavy cooler and said, “Here, it’s heavy and hurting my shoulder,” then makes beeline for the living room to see LO as if I didn’t just have major surgery. Then when LO was crying while I was changing her diaper MIL said, “She doesn’t do that with grandma.” I was struggling with PPA, trying to feel like I’m a good mom and doing everything right for my baby, but that made me furious. I let DH have it after she left.

-We were at MIL’s house when I was 2 weeks PP and I had to pump. I had to do it in the dining room because I still wasn’t able to go up and down stairs. She kept telling me, “You can do that upstairs,” like wtf you go upstairs if you’re so offended, you’re not recovering from a c-section.

-She’s is obsessed with hearing LO cry! Obsessed! It’s as if she gets joy from it. MIL, SIL, and myself have all discussed how triggering it can be as a mother to hear your baby cry. In the very same convo, MIL follows up with, “But grandma loves hearing LO’s voice, I don’t mind.” She ran over to LO’s car seat one day while DH was getting her in there to watch her cry with a big smile on her face. Last time we saw MIL and SIL, LO let out a cry while SIL was holding her and MIL said, “[SIL] made her cry!” Again with a big smile on her face. This triggered me and made me think back to the time she said my baby doesn’t cry with grandma and the whole visit I was terrified of my baby crying while I was holding her in fear of MIL capitalizing on that and making me feel like an incompetent mother, which is insane because babies cry, but that’s how I felt.

-MIL is always searching for characteristics of DH/her side of the family in LO even though the baby looks just like me. She’s admitted that the baby looks just like me but she’ll always follow up with, “But we’ll see what color those eyes will be,” “I think LO will have light eyes,” because DH has blue eyes and I have brown eyes. She mentions this every single time we see her. LO’s eyes look like they’re starting to turn brown I said that last time we saw MIL and of course she replied, “We’ll see.” She even asked, “Is that a little curl I see in LO’s hair,” because DH and MIL have curly hair and I have straight hair. Nope LO’s hair was just greasy and sticking up. It’s like she can’t stand the fact that my daughter looks like me and I’m just an incubator to give her side of the family a baby.

-We let MIL know our boundaries before LO arrived – one of them being no kissing the baby. Her response was, “I’ll try not to kiss baby too much.” I just had a feeling it was going to be an issue so I made DH have a follow up convo with her about it. She claimed she understood and she wouldn’t kiss the baby, well what do you know, LO was 2 weeks old and I saw her kiss the baby. I didn’t call her out on it right away, but the second time I saw it I went off. Called her out in person, followed up with a text so she had everything in writing. I was seething because MIL gets cold sores and she doesn’t even know what HSV can do to a baby. We had to have a long and dramatic sit down convo and she played the dumb victim saying she “Lost sleep over this” and she “Didn’t realize she was doing it.” I’m gonna need you to be aware of your actions if you want to be around my child. She said it wouldn’t happen again. MIL was supposed to provide us with childcare full-time, 5 days a week. After the kissing incident (and a lot of well received input from this subreddit) I sent out daycare inquiries like a mad woman. We are so very lucky we were able to get LO into a great daycare for when I have to go back to work. DH still wants his mom to watch LO 2 days a week even though we have to pay for daycare full time whether we send our baby full time or part time so his mom can have that time with her. I was so against this, but he cried to me and said he doesn’t want to lose the only parent he has left and he doesn’t want to have to choose between me and his mom, so I agreed even though I’m not comfortable with it.

After the last visit with her at SIL’s house and her vocally holding out hope LO will look like her side of the family yet again, her calling other people out when LO cried while they are holding her as if it’s their fault and the baby doesn’t do that with MIL, I let DH know I’m at the end of my patience with her and I don’t want her watching LO. He asked what level of involvement do I want his mom to have with our baby and right now, if she doesn’t think long and hard about her actions and make tangible changes, then I don’t want her involved.

Do I somehow put this all behind me so my baby can have a grandparent her life or is this beyond resolvable? How do I deal with my SO problem?