They birthed you. So what. 9x/10, it probably wasn’t by choice.
They guilt you into doing things for them once they realize they cant control you anymore. manipulation.
They tell you what you wanna hear at the right times. They know how to gaslight you.
You’re sitting there guilt ridden because they’re your parents. But fail to look outside the box and see that they do whatever it takes to control you.
Disclaimer: this does not apply to everyone.
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OP must have got the whole “it’s my house, you’ll clean your room when I tell you to” treatment
Hey pal, sounds like you have a lot to unpack. I’d really consider talking to a professional. I’m a 30yr old father of two, and I still have troubles with my folks— they make me feel like a teenager again when they talk to me, so I get it. But I’ve had a lot of success talking to someone (not Reddit).
But sure— I agree with you. I owe my kids everything, they owe me nothing. Part of the whole “bringing life into the world without its consent” deal. Spot on, actually.
But seriously— therapy. Love yourself enough to try, yeah?
Sorry to hear about your rough childhood.
My parents never did that to me. My parents did so much for me and never asked for anything in return, so I help them out when I can.
I think it just depends on the parents. you must have not had a very good experience. I absolutely feel i owe my parents for the compassion and unbelievably difficult things that they did to raise me.
I can feel your frustration.
There are parents out there who are owed gratitude because they did things right, and then there are the parents you described in here who are owed less than jack shit.
In the wise words of Stephen Chow’s shitty subtitles during the 90s, so what if you regret birthing me! The two of you enjoyed the process!
60 million dollar man.
I mean I was neglected. They could have at least given me a childhood idk.
As someone with crappy parents, you seem to be projecting, not everyone’s parents are crap or expect things from their children.
Sounds like you need therapy
I think it’s becoming an increasingly popular opinion
Yes. I am guessing like me you had a less than ideal childhood.
My mother is lucky I still talk to her. She knows I’m only keeping her around as it would hurt my kids not to have granny in her life, and that I’ll drop her like a hot potato if she tries to pull any of her shit.
>9x/10
This is the most insane way I’ve ever seen something written.
9 times out of 10 it wasn’t by choice? What?
My parents were always reminding me of everything they did for me, like basic care was some huge favor I had to repay forever. If I didn’t act how they wanted, it was guilt trips, silent treatment, or being told I was ungrateful.
It took me years to realize I don’t owe them anything just for being born. I still choose to be respectful and kind when I can, but it’s my choice now, not some emotional contract I didn’t sign up for.
I’m sorry for your harsh past. I get where you’re coming from
my parents were so kind and never expected anything from me, so I do my best to return gratitude whenever I get the chance now
You okay there OP? Sounds like you got a bad relationship with your parents. Is this a personal rant to get your emotions out?
But either way you are right. Just because they birthed us does not mean we owe them everything. Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean they automatically get anything from us. Like anyone else in the world, if they want your love and respect, and your help, then they gotta earn it. Some parents are just entitled narcissists who had kids just to have someone to do inconvenient things for when they get older. If your a bad parent, or did the bare minimum to raise your kid, then they owe you nothing.
Bringing you into this world does not entitle you to anything of your child!
I owe my parents everything.
There’s a lot of assholes out there. You’re going to be related to a couple of them. Sometimes it’s your parents.
I mean, I respect my parents, they’ve helped me out financially on multiple occasions, so yeah I do owe them a fair bit
Parenting exists on a spectrum—from really bad to mediocre to truly great. If your parents were even a bit above average, that’s something to be thankful for. They could’ve coasted or done the bare minimum, but instead, they chose to do more—for your sake. It’s worth taking a moment to reflect on where they fall on that spectrum and what that meant for your life. Gratitude doesn’t have to mean ignoring flaws—it just means recognizing the effort when it was there.
You’re right, you don’t. My caregivers were quite similar. It’s okay to walk away; in fact, I encourage it. But really, I suggest you do some type of therapy to have a healthier, more fulfilling life. When we grow in environments like that, we usually don’t learn the best coping mechanisms. We end up shutting down in different ways when something makes us feel defensive. And it’s really good to learn how to deal with things in an emotionally intelligent way.
“We fed, clothed, and put a roof over your head” congrats on doing the bare minimum. The least someone could do for another brought into the world without a say in it.
I had a bad experience with my parents like that too. I never was allowed to explore my own interests or find myself.
This definitely doesn’t apply to my mom. We grew up super poor and she’s not super poor anymore, so she tries to spoil me as a 38-year-old lol. My dad was an absent drunk, but a good guy, and never did any of this either.
If your parents do this to you than I’d agree. That really sucks, though. I’ve had a hell of a life, but one bad experience I haven’t had is my mom.
I think this is an opinion that i see very often. What is really being said is “I don’t owe my horrible parents anything”. Keeping the statement broad to reel in interest to the conversation.
I think most level headed people don’t expect you to give to those who treated you badly. On the other hand, if your parents sacrificed a lot for you and made sure you are 10x more successful than them is another conversation. I would think you would feel obligated to give back.
This is why there is a legal obligation for parents to care for their children but no legal obligation for children to care for their parents.
For the way they’ve done everything for me and were always the nicest parents, i would feel absurdely selfish if i didnt put them in my thoughts and considerations. But as you said there are many types of parents
Nobody owes nobody nothin’. You owe yourself. Friends (and family) don’t owe! They do because the wanna do.
Rocky Balboa
OP you probably have Asian parents and this is a common sentiment so ignore the folks that just don’t get it.
A LOT of Asian Parents just enslave their kids unfortunately, you are their trophy and you owe them everything because they gave you life and it’s sad.
well, i don’t agree but i don’t disagree either. when ur parents birthed you, they should have known what they were getting themselves into and been prepared. if they weren’t prepared, that’s their own problem. my parents never had the treatment of control and ownership over me because they grew up in the 70s and 80s where kids could leave for school in the morning and not be home until late at night, so they never cared where i was as long as i was home at some point. they never made me clean my room because they knew that it was my room and i was the one who slept in it, not them. when i was 18, i never asked them to stay home from school because i was an adult and thought it was weird that i needed my parent’s permission.
the point is, you shouldn’t have to owe ur parents anything or even get their opinions on anything if you don’t want to. i think it’s absolutely crazy that fully grown adults these days still ask their parents for permission on what they should spend their money on or what time they should be home if they still live with their parents.
Hard agree. Didn’t even finish reading the post.
… they guilt you into doing things for them … please give je an example
Sounds like you belong in r/narcissisticparents. Sorry you had that experience. Forgiveness is freedom. I do agree, though, that Texas sucks, but mainly bc property taxes are eating me alive, people here can’t drive for shit, and I do t like living around so many people.
Agreed, however 9/10 children are not planned? I believe that’s pretty pessimistic
I agree with you. I know my mother only had me in hopes of saving her relationship with my dead beat dad.
Look I don’t like my parents either but saying that nine times out of ten you’re an accident is a little wild. I was definitely born on purpose. They just didn’t like how I turned out lmao.
Some parents definitely don’t deserve to have kids.
I will give you the benefit of doubt 😉 maybe for you.You don’t owe your parents anything
But for me?
I owe them a lot I love my mother we made memories that last a lifetime and I still have her and there’s no way I’m just gonna leave her with nothing
Even the Bible says to love your father and mother and I love my parents Greatly!
I don’t owe my parents anything, but my situation isn’t the usual.
I, by choice, will never see or interact with my father or his side of the family again, aside from his funeral.
On the flip side, you’re right, I don’t owe my mother anything, but I want to provide her the support and love she deserved when she was my age. I dream of a giant piece of land with houses for her and me and every single one of my siblings, living close together and supporting each other.
I want my mom to have things. I want her to have a house, to never worry for rent and food again.
You dont owe anyone anything. But if someone helps you out it’s nice to return the favor when you can.
I feel sorry for you OP. It’s obvious you have some trauma relating to your parents and or upbringing. My parents were amazing to me (albeit strict) and I feel sorry for others who haven’t had such a great upbringing. I enjoy helping my parents as they’ve gotten older because they were great parents. Not because I owe them anything.
I spent plenty of time holding onto resentments towards my parents, but a funny thing happened once I became a parent:
I realized that my parents were just people. My parents were normal, imperfect people, just like me.
When you become a parent (by choice or by accident), you aren’t suddenly gifted with the knowledge and experience to be a good parent. I’m going to paraphrase Patton Oswalt, but if you study and use the best possible child psychology and parenting information to the best of your abilities, you’ll eventually find out you did it all wrong anyway.
Your kid will probably still need therapy just like you did, and just like the previous generations should have but most likely didn’t do.
I love my folks despite/because of their flaws.
I fully support people disowning toxic family regardless but those are extreme circumstances and my idealism can’t cover every scenario.
I did spend years with no contact during my 20s, but I’m glad I came around while they were still alive. I hope you are able to do the same, if it’s safe for you to do so.
You def need to check out r/raisedbynarcissists and there are PLENTY of them out there
Boomer/Gen-X, parents used to do that.
Millenial and Gen-Z parents, not anymore so much.
You may have been neglected, I don’t want to assume.
My parents were occasionally shitty, but the majority of the time they cared for me, fed me, let me live and have a great childhood – and because that I do feel like I owe them, I may not give anything back (or at least I’m not currently) but if they asked for help and I was able to give I would.
Op these dude out here trying to tell you about therapy and shit. My therapist happens to agree with your sentiment. I’ve been no contact with my parents for years. By all accounts they did most things right but my therapist remind me that I don’t have to explain that or qualify my decision.
especially toxic parents
The thing is you should WANT to do things for your parents if they are good parents (heavy on the IF). My mom watches my baby without me asking, always offers and respects boundaries. I will do things to help her out all the time. I don’t owe her it, but she doesn’t owe me anything either now that I’m an adult. We just help each other like family SHOULD
I don’t know, my parents gave me a very happy childhood and sacrificed a lot to do it. They continue to help me out now, as an adult, far more than they need to. Do I owe them, I don’t know, but I definitely want to help them however I can and I’m definitely grateful to them.
I also don’t know where your 9/10 births aren’t wanted stat comes from, but I’m pretty confident it was their choice to have me
Sounds like you got my parents.
it took me 23 years of being abused and mistreated and manipulated and gaslit by my mother to finally cut her off and my life is so much fucking better. i feel no remorse as i type that i do not love her anymore. she doesnt love me either. my dad and i didnt talk at all while i was a teenager but thankfully we now have a great relationship. hes a good person, just troubled, carries a great deal of shame. i thank god for my newfound situation every day.
I joined the Marine Corps at 20, specifically to get away from my abusive, addict parents. Completely changed my life and things are excellent now. NC for eight years and I have a personalized shot glass for each when they die.
If you think this is morbid or overkill, congrats – you didn’t grow up in a remarkably toxic household.
They owe you everything
They brought you into this cruel selfish existence
I owe them everything, but they ask for nothing other than that I call them to tell them I love and appreciate them. Only have one of them left to call unfortunately.
This varies wildly. It’s a bummer that it’s just a luck of the draw if you get parents who go above and beyond for you or not.
I’m Indian. My parents view children as their retirement plan.
I pwe my parents almost everything …
any parent that holds it against you is a narcissistic piece of shit trying to manipulate you.
Eh.
Do as you will. The old school Asian part of me used to be like that when I was an angsty punk child/teen. Now though especially in hindsight, I do owe them, I owe them a lot.
Actually I owe my parents quite a bit of money
Thank you, going through some shit and needed this.
Fuck parents who treat their kids as objects at their disposal instead of unique individuals to raise. You’re right, it’s because most didn’t want kids, and in my case, tried to get out of the responsibility from the time I was a toddler. Had a bad fight followed by some nightmares and today feeling sad, but more clear.
Congrats on making it to college
Mine divorced when I was 10. Mother died before I got out of high school. Father showed up again in my early 20s and tried to father me after I’d already put myself through college. Haven’t talked to him since the 90s.
I’m 37 years old, and this is 1000% relevant and relatable for me.
For context, my mother, 71, is narcissistic, emotionally immature, and always the victim.
Claims my success in my career is all because of her, and I financially supported her for years. Anytime I told her no, it was a guilt trip usually involving how she raised me as a single mother.
Funny, she leaves out the fact that I spent half of my time at my grandparents’ house as a kid.
Went no contact. I don’t owe her a thing.
Edit: Yes, I’m in therapy.
Only race I’ve ever won. I’d gladly go back and tag another sperm in.
Well we certainly know who had a rough childhood lmao
I don’t think this opinion is unpopular
I’ve been no contact now for longer than I knew them and my life is exponentially better for it.
When and if you have kids you might realize how hard it is to parent and have a little compassion…or realize that your parents were horrible and move on with your life.
Idk I feel like if you had good parents who went above and beyond for you especially when you were old enough to take care of yourself you do owe it to them to help them out.
I owe them literally everything, and yes I was planned lol
I know that you don’t owe your parents anything but birthing you kinda gives them a lot of credits. And saying that you don’t ask for it is a bit wild because you are still continuing to exist and it’s because of them. Maybe it sounds like controlling or manipulation as you’re saying but they do have some rights to like or dislike some things in you. Like you’re something that they made? Kinda. So if I “make” a kid I think I have a part in their lives. But I’m speaking hypothetically. I know how there are toxic parents and stuff.
I used to think like this.
My dad now has lung cancer, and my mom’s still an alcoholic and benzo addict.
My dad was never around when I was a kid, but I’m still here for him in his last year. I still help my mom as well in her old age, even though she left me alone while she went to cheat on my dad everyday.
I continue to do this for my own character.
Now that I have a son, I do see how they still provided me with everything I needed, aside from emotional support.. but I’m still here right?
I feel if your parents are decent to you and supportive, you at least owe them the respect of raising you. It looks like your issues are beyond simple respect. Sorry to hear. You don’t have to like your parents, but you should probably talk to someone about not feeling guilty about it.
Wow…sounds like someone had a bad experience with parents and now incorrectly assumes all other parents are the same way. Feel for you and I hope you can overcome theses issues.
I’m very lucky to have had wonderful parents who did a lot for me growing up. I feel like Nathan Explosion.
Kid, just take the garbage out. It’s been 3 days.
Never really had guilt but especially after being told I wasn’t welcome to join they moved to a new location.
I really want to know, who was that 1/10 that did choose to be born and HOW??
EDIT: nvm. I just realized you meant the parents choose or don’t choose, not the (unborn) child 🤣
Yeah, this is the take I’d expect with that username. r/usernamechecksout
Hey OP, sorry people are being sheep and commenting in droves about how they’d die for their parents and how they owe them everything.
The least they could do is comment back on your points individually.
I disagree with every word your said and the attitude behind your words.
Hermit human flair checking those boxes.
I don’t think we owe parents anything either. It should be a labor of love and care to take care of our family members. For me, my parents were abusive so they don’t get my presence in their lives. I wish they would have been kind to me so I could still be with them and do things with them. I now give my love and labor to others deserving who care for me too.
My parents treated me shabbily. I was the target of their many frustrations. Whenever I am about to cuss their memory, I remind myself that they did not abort me. They maintained a home that I was allowed to stay in until I was way past ready to leave.
I hate them, but I owe them everything.
Wow. I’m so sorry you feel that way.
What are you like 14?
My dad a homeless crackhead, I make 2500/week
I don’t feel guilty and I sleep just fine
I don’t owe my parents for birthing me, no.
But after that they’ve provided me quite a bit, it would be wrong to take it completely for granted or disregard that fact.
No shit. Having sex and pushing you into existence gives them zero say in your life.
Someone is salty today
I wish I could be half the man my father was.
The real trick for them is to raise their kid in such a way that you actually want to help them if they need it, not because you feel obligated to but because you like them, and to raise their kid so that they don’t become selfish pricks if they really did give them everything, and they do nothing at all in return.
I owe my parents a lot. They loved me, provided for me, cared for me when I was sick (both as a child and as an adult). I love my parents
Hmm. -1 I don’t think the opinion that not all parents are owed anything is unpopular.
Awful opinion nice work
Strictly speaking you don’t owe anyone anything, but generally such attitudes don’t really get you very far.
I don’t owe my parents shit, but I love them and I want to return the favor as best I can for them raising me and doing all they could to give me the best childhood they could. My dad took jobs out of state bc it was the best way to provide, so he wasn’t around much. And my mom, although an alcoholic and struggles a lot with mental health, bent over backwards and put up with so much chaos and stress to help us gain all sorts of experiences and opportunities. We grew up poor but looking back my mom sacrificed so much so that we could have the best upbringing she could offer. Took me many years to realize just how much my parents did for me bc I was too focused on my embarrassment for living in a trailer park and my own anger/acting out that wasn’t their fault.
But if your parents suck I’m truly sorry. We don’t owe them shit esp if they don’t deserve it. But I hope one day soon I can give my mom a life she deserves. As they get older it gets harder and harder and I want to take good care of them so they leave this earth in comfort and love
Sounds like you should tell this to a therapist
My parents gave me a loving home and they did everything in their power to raise me the best they could. Am I perfect? hell no. But I owe the person I am today to them, and they continue to support me as I become a young adult. If I can pay them back in any way, I want to when the time comes. I suppose I don’t “owe” them technically, nor would they admit to wanting anything from me, but I’ll be the first in line to support them in my immediate family.
this is not unpopular, as a parent myself, i completely support your point
The raised you fed you and didn’t fuck u up there are parents out there who kill
Their children. The least u can go is be thankful for your parents. Your dad is the only person that wants u to be better than him. Family is all u got man, they will always be on your side
Clearly in need of mental health help
Depends on the parents..
I agree with this, but how would you apply this to someone who was adopted by good parents?
I owe my dad everything. My mom died when I was 3. He had to man up, without any help, working a job and keeping a roof over my head. He never pressured me to be a certain way or believe in a religion. I never went without or was deprived of anything.
Now, as he’s older and I’m nearing my 40’s. I owe him the same care as he showed me.
agreed. i dont owe my family anything, and they know it.
My children weren’t planned, but they were wanted and loved. They don’t owe me anything ever.
I was not planned or wanted and most of the time I was left with a grandparent. If anything I owe everything to my grandparents. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that until they were gone and it’s too late to tell them how much they meant to me.
My mom barely calls or texts me, but I’ll never do that to my kids. I’m forever their mom and will always be the one to reach out.
Yes. Respect is earned not freely appointed because I came out of ur dick and vagina
R/raisedbynarcissists
Life tends to be easier when you wish together as a team, the circle of life, and all that. Obviously, I’m not talking about situations where abuse is/was involved. There are bad actors in this world, and they’re a different story.
But no one asked to be here. Your parents didn’t either. This is everyone’s first time doing this, and we’re all just trying to figure it out. So you have kids in order to hsv then tabs care of you? No…. should you guilt people? No. But you needed care when you grew up, they need help when they’re old, YOU’LL need help when you’re old, and I don’t think most of us can or will be able to afford the $5k+ a month for assisted care living.
We are social creatures, and we thrive best working together.
Hopefully they didn’t look at you as a crying baby and say they didn’t owe you anything just because the condom broke.
Bad day?
I say return their energy. If they were always supportive emotionally and financially, then you should be the same, because good relationships thrive on reciprocosity.. But if they’re shit parents and you need to go NC for your own good, you go ahead and do that without looking back.
Good parents don’t guilt their kids.
You okay, OP?
My dad only missed 4 of my futbol games, he supported me in the rain snow sweltering heat and took time off work for me to try to make it pro all for it not to pan out and he was okay with all that for people to sit there and talk about how we owe our friends this and this and not even consider our parents it’s wild, I’ll say this some parents suck ass and are manipulating but the majority like 99.9% if parents are not fucking man up and realizing they actually gave you a life all the fuck ups are your fault
Agreed. They could’ve bought and used a condom for 25 cents. I didn’t ask for this.
i say this a lot honestly i have so many friends who had the WORST home lives & think they need to spend their days impressing the people that traumatized them most.. im beyond thankful for my grandparents, my dad & my mom, but i only really owe it to my grandparents to keep my shit together & be able to take care of them once they can’t anymore bc they did that for me when my parents were out being fuckin felons & sluts & forgetting i exist. you are in a sense obligated to love those that gave you life but you really don’t owe them anything more than that depending on the situation you were raised in imho
Someone had shitty parents…