i realize that this is a basic take and nobody wants to hear a “poor me” story from someone who generally does well. but i want to confess that ever since i’ve been a kid, i’ve been taught by my parents and upheld this belief myself that it is important to always show your best and aim high in life, which has severely impacted how others relate to me and made me somewhat of a loner.
this is no one’s fault but my own. i’ve met and even dated people like me who care deeply about appearance, high ambition and superficiality, and what strikes me is that at the core of people like this is a loneliness and desire to be loved, desired and accepted, which is only made stranger by the attempts of hiding behind achievements, titles and “unique” experiences.
maybe it is a phenomenon of privileged people, who have skipped over (at least emotionally) every step in maslow’s hierarchy of needs and jumped straight to self-actualization, desperate to climb higher and reach “the” peak, but since they’re privileged, the opportunities feel endless, so it’s a paradox because they’ll always be reaching for a ceiling that isn’t there without comprehending the real work of admiration, which is the foundation they’re already standing on.
in some social groups i’ve had the (mis)fortune of people telling me their first impressions of me, and it’s typically been that, without even interacting with me, i’ve come off as arrogant, cocky, and hot/cold—which is a valid point of view—but i’ve always wished that more people approached me with an open mind.
when i asked them about why this was, they would go on to list things about the way i carry myself, the way my face looks and my expressions, things about me that mean i fit certain conventionally attractive ideals, and these abilities and life experiences they’ve heard about me, which made me seem almost unapproachable. and i couldn’t help but acknowledge to myself and let them know that this is a social image i’ve inherited and carefully crafted, while joking about the actual facts, which is that i am godawful at most basic things, have dyscalculia, and if i took off my clothes they’d probably feel a lot better about themselves and embarrassed for me because of stuff like scars, excessive body hair, body shape, etc.
still, it happens regularly, and there are certain things i can’t do anything about. a tall man, for example, is associated with many positive attributes, and that’s a privilege, which is—for the most part—completely symbolic, unwarranted, and socially constructed. but does it mean that we should inherently judge people based on associations, before we even get to know them? is it any more reasonable than making presumptions of people and disengaging with them because they’re disabled or conventionally unattractive? i genuinely don’t think so, but i understand why this is and that it is a reality that has to be dealt with regularly.
i probably scare some really good people away because they think i’m a stuck-up, lucky golden boy.
but they don’t know that i had an abusive upbringing in a family that faced plenty of mental and physical health issues. that i got misdiagnosed several times at an early age. faced multiple sexual assaults at an early age and into adulthood, got money and benefits for sexual favors pre age of consent. experienced physical violence that keeps me up at night, and received a death threat to keep me quiet about it. that i self-harmed in permanent ways, attempted suicide on multiple occasions. still have an eating disorder to this day, and that i struggle to make deep connections even with the few people who, i’ve been lucky, stuck around long enough and saw past the exterior.
i’m not saying any of this for pity, but to make a point: all these negative experiences are overwhelming and exhausting, but others wouldn’t necessarily know it happened to “someone like me”. they wouldn’t know that it’s what truly takes up space in my life. people see what they care about. i believe that more openness would go a long way, for everyone.