We have all heard about “safe foods” and how important routine can be for neurodivergent folks, but one woman on Reddit is currently living through a culinary hostage situation that would make anyone want to throw the whole kitchen away. Imagine spending nearly $50 a meal on a specific local stew, watching half of it go in the trash because your boyfriend hates leftovers, and then getting called a “selfish ahole” because you dared to reveal the secret ingredient. If you have ever been told you are “ruining someone’s life” because you pointed out that tomatoes exist, this story is a wild ride.
The Original Poster (OP) has been with her autistic boyfriend for four years, and for the most part, things have been okay. But lately, the “stew situation” has spiraled into a total financial disaster. He wants to eat one specific beef tip and vegetable stew from a local spot for every single meal. The problem? It costs $47 for a takeout order, and since he is “grossed out” by leftovers, they are basically flushing money down the drain. When the OP tries to talk about their budget, he hits her with the “you don’t understand my brain” card, leaving her to figure out how to pay the bills.
In an effort to save their bank account and be a supportive partner, the OP did some serious kitchen chemistry. She dissected the takeout stew, researched recipes, and actually managed to make a home-cooked version that her boyfriend loved. It was a total win—until he caught her in the act. One night, he saw her add a bit of tomato paste to the pot and absolutely lost his sh!t. He claimed tomatoes weren’t a “safe food” and demanded she leave them out. Naturally, the tomato-free version tasted like garbage to him, and he accused her of “playing with him” to prove a point.
After spending another $400 on takeout stew because he refused to eat her “poisoned” home cooking, the OP finally decided to get some professional backup. When they went to pick up the next order, she asked the chef if there were any tomato products in the recipe. Surprise, surprise: the “perfect” stew contains a sh!t-ton of tomato paste. The OP thought this would be a “eureka” moment where he realized tomatoes were fine, but instead, it turned into a total psychological meltdown.
The boyfriend walked out of the restaurant in a silent huff, refused to eat the stew he just paid $47 for, and hasn’t ordered it since. Now, he is sulking around the house, using a “whiny voice,” and slamming things like a petulant teenager. He didn’t just lose a safe food; he seemingly lost his entire sense of reality because his brain can’t reconcile “I love this stew” with “I hate tomatoes.” It is the ultimate sh!t-show of logic, and the OP is the one bearing the brunt of his misplaced rage.
To make matters worse, the sister-in-law has now entered the chat. She sent a text calling the OP a “selfish ahole” for needing to “get back at him” by “taking his favorite food away.” Excuse me? The OP didn’t take the food away; she simply pointed out what was already in it so they could stop going broke! It is a classic b!tch move for family members to swoop in and judge the person doing the actual daily labor of caregiving without offering a single cent toward the $47 stew fund.
Let’s be real for a second: being neurodivergent explains the struggle, but it doesn’t excuse the verbal abuse and the household-wide temper tantrum. Slamming things and ignoring your partner of four years because you found out your soup has vegetables in it is a total ahole move. The OP wasn’t trying to “k!ll his joy”; she was trying to keep them from being homeless because of a beef tip obsession. There is a limit to how much “understanding” one person can give before they run out of patience and money.
The fact that he is “grossed out” by leftovers while demanding $50 meals is the height of entitlement. If you have very specific, expensive sensory needs, you usually have to find a way to compromise with the person who is helpfully trying to recreate those needs for free. Instead, he’s acting like she committed a crime against humanity by being right. It’s hard to sympathize with someone’s “safe food” journey when they are actively trying to make their partner’s life a living hell over a can of tomato paste.
The OP says she feels “physically sick with regret,” and that is the saddest part of the whole story. She has been gaslit by her boyfriend and his family into thinking that wanting to save money is a moral failing. She did the research, she did the cooking, and she even did the investigative work at the restaurant—all for him. To be met with “whiny voices” and slamming doors instead of a “thank you for trying to save us $400” is a massive red flag.
If the sister thinks the OP is so “selfish,” maybe she should be the one to open up a tab at the local stew shop. It is very easy to preach about “safe foods” and “empathy” when you aren’t the one watching your savings account disappear into a bowl of beef tips. The family enabling this behavior is only going to make him more rigid and more difficult to live with in the long run.
The OP is wondering if she’s the ahole, but we are here to tell her to put the ladle down and take a breath. She didn’t ruin his life; his own inflexibility did that. You can’t help someone who would rather starve and sulk than admit that their palate is more versatile than they thought. She deserves a partner who appreciates her effort, not one who treats a recipe discovery like a personal betrayal.
So, NTA (Not the Ahole). He needs to apologize for his behavior and maybe find a new safe food that doesn’t cost as much as a car payment. Until then, the OP should cook whatever she wants and let him handle his own “stew budget.” If he wants to slam doors, he can do it on the way to the grocery store to buy his own ingredients.
What would you do if your partner’s “safe food” was costing you $400 a week? Is the OP a “hero” for trying to recreate it, or was she “out of line” for revealing the secret ingredient? Let us know in the comments if he needs to grow up or if she really did ruin his favorite meal!
Being neurodivergent doesn’t give someone the right to behave like an entitled brat. Does the OP’s boyfriend work or deal with people in the outside world? I doubt they would treat him like like a marshmallow whose needs must be considered before any decisions can be made.
The question then becomes, is OP the AH? I don’t think sharing the truth about a recipe rises to the level of AH. Adding tomatoes to beef helps to make it tender during cooking.
SIL needs to be told, quite firmly, to stay out of OP and BF’s relationship.
Good grief, get a smaller apartment and jettison the ah. Are you getting paid by the state to caretake him?
He would surely not like a group home.
I don’t think you two are compatible.
Omg. He’s not a BF, he’s a full time job. He costs way too much money & way too much stress.Do you really want to sign up for 50 years of this bullshit. Dump him, find someone not so picky.