Co-parenting is difficult under the best of circumstances. It requires patience, communication, and a shared willingness to put the child’s needs above your own ego. But what happens when one parent wants the title of “Dad” without actually doing any of the heavy lifting required to keep a tiny human alive? One new mother on Reddit is currently dealing with an ex who is demanding shared custody of their weeks-old infant, despite admitting he has zero interest in actually taking care of her.
The OP (Original Poster) recently gave birth to a baby girl. She and her ex broke up during the pregnancy because they argued too much, which was honestly a mature decision to create a peaceful environment for the child. They are trying to work as a team, but there is a massive glitch in the system. The father wants 50/50 custody immediately. The problem? He refuses to learn basic infant care.
We aren’t talking about complex parenting philosophies here. We are talking about diapers. The OP tried to teach him how to change the baby, but he refused because it “grosses him out.” His solution for handling basic hygiene for his daughter is to have his mother do it. He literally lives with his mom and expects her to be the on-call diaper changer because he is too delicate to handle a dirty wipe. He is essentially asking for custody so his mother can raise the child while he takes the credit.
The logistics of his plan are a nightmare. He lives two hours away and travels frequently for business. When the OP asked what happens when he has to leave town during “his” custody week, he once again volunteered his mother for the job. Never mind that this poor woman works sixty to eighty hours a week already; he expects her to raise his infant in her spare time. He wants the baby as a possession, not a responsibility.
The OP isn’t even trying to freeze him out. She has gone above and beyond to facilitate a bond. She offered him the spare room in her house so he could stay over whenever he wants. She offered to stay in his mom’s spare room. She is twisting herself into a pretzel to accommodate a man who lives two hours away and refuses to buy diapers. She is doing this because the baby is exclusively breastfed and won’t take a bottle, meaning separation is physically impossible right now anyway.
But the real kicker comes down to money. It always does. The OP reveals that the “father of the year” hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Every item at his house was purchased by his mother. He has the money; he just chooses not to spend it. And the reason he refuses to go to court to formalize a custody agreement? He explicitly stated he doesn’t want them to “order him to pay child support.”
There it is. The mask slips. He wants 50/50 custody not because he is dying to bond with his daughter (he won’t even change her), but because shared custody often negates or lowers child support payments. He is willing to drag a breastfeeding newborn two hours away from her mother and dump her on his overworked mom just to save a few bucks a month.
He is angry at the OP for “implying he’s not a good dad,” but she isn’t implying anything. She is stating facts. A good dad changes diapers. A good dad buys onesies. A good dad prioritizes his child’s well-being over his bank account. He is failing on every single metric, and his defensive attitude proves he knows it.
The OP is absolutely not the ahole here. She is the only adult in the room. You cannot hand over a newborn to someone who treats parenting like a spectator sport. Until he learns to wipe a butt and buy a pack of diapers, he can enjoy visiting hours in the spare room.
What would you do if your ex refused to learn basic baby care but demanded custody? Would you let him take the baby, or would you lawyer up immediately? Let us know in the comments if you think this mom is protecting her child or being unreasonable!